Entries in Life (19)

Thursday
Feb272014

just a laundry list to get the creative juices flowing

Trust Mrs. G. when she tells you she has continually sat down at this computer over the week and tried to generate something entertaining, suffering for her art, twirling her hair with one hand and swigging a Diet Dr. Pepper with the other. She shall suffer no more, Reader, because it occurred to her she could just tell you what she's been up to, with the faith that more interesting content will follow.

1) Mrs. G. has been running around her town looking for interesting women to photograph and talk to for her new pet project "Dames of the Pacific Northwest."  She has finally reached a point where she doesn't mouth breathe and sweat when she approaches a total stranger to ask personal questions. She loves connecting with fellow women and sees this delightfully rewarding project as one more opportunity to challenge her self-assigned mediocrity. It's exciting to be excited.

 

2) Mrs. G. has been obsessed with the new HBO show "True Detective." She has watched each episode twice attempting to tease out symbolism, innuendo and, of course, the identity of the Yellow King. She's not going to bore you with her carefully crafted manifesto but she's pretty sure she has the whole damn thing figured out. She'll wait until the conclusion to gloat because that's the good and right thing to do.

 

3) These bastards have been invading Mrs. G's dreams.

 

 

4) Mrs. G's "friend" Aaryn sent her this shirt in the mail. This offering follows on the heels of her I-Put-Your-Cat-Christmas-Card-In-The-Toilet Clash of 2013. Mrs. G. was simultaneously flattered and floored when she opened the package. Mrs. G. tried the shirt on and her shelf-like bosom only made the cat's eyes even more aberrant and narcotizing. Mr. G. was so alarmed and apprehensive about the cat's soul-sucking soulful glare and hallucinatory vibe, he made Mrs. G. put the shirt in the car before they went to sleep for the night.

Mrs. G. plans to wear it with a denim skirt to her next job interview and talk about her love of Sudoku puzzles along with her other job skills, like homeschooling, cutting her own hair and rug hooking.

 

Mrs. G. was so touched by Aaryn't thoughtfulness she has been doing some browsing of her own.

 

And then Mrs. G. discovered Aaryn's gift is a man's shirt that can go with Mrs. G's man shoes. Just when you didn't think it could get any worse, Mrs. G's mother. Thanksgiving, here we come.

 

5) Mrs. G. has been knee deep in the roller coaster ride that is Five Days at Memorial: Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital. If you haven't joined the Derf Book Club, it's not too late. You can find the books and info here.

 

6) Mrs. G. got her first pair of bifocals last week. Hey, they aren't so bad.

 

What's up on your spot of the planet?

 

Sunday
Jul072013

Liberation

Originally published April, 2008

When Mrs. G. went to meet all her new blogger friends last week, she spent more than three minutes her usual amount of time deciding what to wear. After much consideration and heavy sighing, she chose her favorite pair of Chico pants and a simple black shirt. Mrs. G. had every intention of losing 27 pounds in the two weeks prior to the gathering, but due to lack of diet and exercise for a number of reasons, things didn't work out as planned. She lost approximately zero pounds, so she was faced with two choices: amputating a leg or wearing the new pair of Spanx underwear she purchased after hearing Oprah go on and on about how these power panties had changed her life.

For those who don't watch Oprah, Spanx are the world's first line of performance underwear to combine the comfort of regular panties, the feel of hosiery and the power of a shaper. According to Sara Blakely, the creator of Spanx, these underwear provide body-shaping control that's both comfortable and flattering. According to Mrs. G, these underwear took close to a half an hour to waggle and writhe into and, other than limiting her ability to bend and breath freely,

made no significant difference to her body's original pattern and design. These were clearly poorly performing performance panties.

Perhaps Mrs. G. was too optimistic in her choice of size C rather than D, but midway through her dinner with these wonderful women, Mrs. G. had had enough. Her stomach hurt, her ass was numb and her thighs were itching from unnatural constriction.

 

So she excused herself from the table and went into the ladies' room. She stood in a bathroom stall and realized that for the sake of her physical comfort and her enjoyment of such a special evening, the underwear needed to go. Mrs. G. considered taking her pants off and removing the Spanx old school style, but she was concerned that one of the other bloggers might enter the bathroom, see her naked ankles or spy her physical struggle to remove the offending underwear through the stall door's cracks and wonder why on God's green earth Mrs. G. was in the ladies' room wearing no pants. The possible interpretations of such a scenario were unsettling.

So Mrs. G. reached into her purse, which is really a small book bag she uses to carry school papers and supplies and took out...
these children's scissors that she carries around at all times just in case. Just in case she needs to snip something out of a magazine, trim the ragged edges of a piece of spiral bound notebook paper, or saw off her $36 underwear.

Mrs. G, without removing her pants, cut her way down each side of the Spanx and, in what can only be described as a Chippendale dancer's move involving magic, defying the earth's gravitational pull and a mighty yank, freed herself from the jaws of death underwear and discreetly buried the Spanxremnants underneath some paper towels in the trash. She washed her hands, slid on some lip gloss, left the bathroom to rejoin the group and spent the remainder of the evening breathing and laughing with abandon.

 

Mrs. G. is pretty sure she will not be an active member of the Spanx Revolution. She experienced more of an uprising of her flesh. An insurgence of her thighs. All in all, an underwear insurrection.
Saturday
Jul062013

16 Things That Rub Miss and Mrs. G. the Wrong Way

stopnow

None of these apply to you of course.

1) Mrs. G: People using "K" verbally and in writing. Example: "I'll see you in a couple of hours K?"

2) Miss G: People who overuse hashtags outside twitter, #giveitup.

3) Mrs. G: Asking an employee at Home Sleepo if they have an item and he says "no" because he is too lazy to go and look. You find the item on aisle 14,356.

4) Miss G: People who humblebrag. Example: "People don't understand that it's hard to be beautiful." or
"I haven't been shopping in years because I wear the same size as in high school." or "I lost weight while I was pregnant."

5) Mrs. G: People who go for the gold in the Tragedy Olympics.

6) Miss G: People who are only capable of having conversations about their boyfriend/girlfriend/child.

7) Mrs. G: People who play dumb and act like they don't need to bus their own damn table and leave their crap behind.

8) Miss G: People who shut down conversations about race by stating their best friend is black.

9) Mrs. G: People who tell you you would be so much prettier with a little make-up (extra asshole points if they sell Mary Kay).

10) Miss G: People who engage in conversation simply to talk about themselves - alternately, interrupters.

11) Mrs. G: When you are waiting on hold with the insurance company for an hour and "accidentally" get disconnected. 

12) Miss G: People who glare at fussy babies and their parents on airplanes. They're babies!

13) Mrs. G: People who put their backpack on an empty bus seat and refuse to move it when a new passenger gets on.

14) Miss G: People who don't order what they really want at restaurants because they're dieting and then eat off everyone else's plates.

15) Mrs. G: People who preface rude statements with no offence. Example: "No offence, but did you cut your own hair with pinking shears?"

16) Miss G: Childless people giving parents self-righteous parenting advice (extra asshole points if there are comparisons to dog training).

 

What currently rubs you the wrong way?

Tuesday
Jul022013

just one of many reasons mrs. g's vigilante ass is driving to to los angeles with her daughter

wrestling

In a few weeks, Miss G. is relocating her life to Los Angeles. She is doing as much apartment hunting as she can from Seattle...with Mrs. G. hovering over her shoulder.

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
May292013

The Evolution of Intimate Relations in 5.5 Hours,

airlineseats

A jittery flier, Mr. G. took a Xanax 45 minutes before boarding the plane last week to Boston. Within 20 minutes, he wandered, wild-eyed, away from Mrs. G. and their son to lean against a wall a ways from their gate.

Click to read more ...

Monday
May062013

Everything Old Is New Again or The Fizz That Izz

zotz

Three weeks ago, on the advice and under the supervision of her well-meaning but narcissistic psycho-pharmacologist, Mrs. G. eliminated an antidepressant from her prescription lineup.

Click to read more ...

Thursday
May022013

How Karma Broke Faith With Mrs. G.

good karma

A couple of weeks ago, some punk thugs went up and down Mrs. G's street rifling and stealing items from unlocked cars. Mrs. G's wallet and prescription sunglasses were stolen.

Click to read more ...

Sunday
Feb052012

Monday Update

Bennett Sisters (LOC)

Mrs. G. is wrestling with some stuff she will share as soon as she can get it to sound good on paper. The last few days she feels like she wouldn't know a creative thought if it dropped down from the sky and landed directly on her shelf-like bosom, just waiting, begging to be plucked from her substantial CLEAVAGE. Speaking of shelf-like bosoms and substantial CLEAVAGE, is Mrs. G. the only one who has had a tortilla chip fall out of her bra when she took it off, or a rogue cocktail peanut? This isn't a rhetorical question. She's not is she? The only one?

Mrs. G's spent many hours this week trying to write the story of her beloved dog, Schnapps, who died thirty-five years ago, but she can't get it right. Just trust her, Schnapps was a good dog. We're going to have to leave it at that for now.

Mrs. G. begins working out with Derf Caro via Skype at 5:30am this morning. Once they have established a routine, Mrs. G. will plug everyone into the process in case they want to follow or play along.

Happy Monday, pals.  Not to be corny but today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Corny. But still. Look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself. Smile at a stranger. Oh, and your hair looks great!

 

Photo: Bennett Sisters [between ca. 1910 and ca. 1915], phoographer unknown, no copright.