Entries in Blogging (133)

Wednesday
Mar132013

Step Right Up, Folks

 

Barbara Lee dog act at the Sarasota High School Sailor Circus

Barbara Lee dog act at the Sarasota High School Sailor Circus

Mrs. G. liked one reader's idea to throw the blog open to questions. Ask Mrs. G. anything you want to know and she will turn it into a post. If you have a blog, leave your link when you comment.

Ready? Mrs. G. is doing the jazz hands!

Tuesday
Mar122013

advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer* 

face4b

Don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are always ready enough to tell them....because they are assholes.

~Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. and Mrs. G.

 

*Erica Jong

Monday
Mar112013

A Mrs. G. Social Inquiry: Honesty Sought Even If It Hurts

projectcat

Let your hair down and speak the truth...

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Feb202013

Before Sleep

Floral Henna Tattoo Love

Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography 

It's 7:50pm and Mrs. G. is soon headed for her bed. She's sitting by the fire wondering what she should write, just a little something, a little something that feels right before sleep. She's feeling sentimental and grateful.

This community gives Mrs. G. so much, scattered voices all. She wishes she could rub each of your backs and ask about your day, maybe bring you a cup of tea and a handful of almond thins. She'd like to massage that web of flesh between your thumb and forefinger while you tell her what's on your mind.

Mrs. G. knows that in blogging and, actually, all social networking there are often boundaries not to be crossed or well meaning but empty words of love and light. From day one, Mrs. G. was less interested in shaking hands than giving bear hugs. She was a little clumsy with the lines of demarcation and this hasn't changed. But she would appreciate it if you wouldn't call her late at night and damn her to hell. Unless you really need to, then go right ahead. For you, she'll let it slide. Just say Job is calling and she'll wake up.

One of the best things we can all do for our health is reach out and connect with others, even when we are tired and up to here with the talking and the doing. We need fellowship, we need to feel valued and we need to love and be loved. We need to be brave and ask for what we need. Need to talk? Call Mrs. G. Need to borrow a stretched out $5.99 Old Navy turtleneck? It's yours. Clogs? You don't even need to ask.

It's scary to need and be needed, but not here. The success rate at this joint is in the positive numbers.

Besides Mr. G. and her kids, Mrs. G's biological family is down to two. Thank you for including her in yours. She welcomes all of you into hers. 

She promises to pluck your chin hairs if your pluck hers. Pinky swear.

These things matter.

Nighty night pals.

Wednesday
Feb132013

the tube is temporarily empty....whatayagonnado?

toothpaste-tube

Mrs. G. has written, deleted, written, cursed and deleted. She's temporarily out of even one interesting thing to say. Be patient. But in the meantime, she has a few tricks up her sleeve she hopes you won't mind as they involve you.

Show up tomorrow for Suburban Correspondent and Barb's Slow Cook Thursdays.

And if you have a sec, wiggle your fingers and send Mrs. G. some creative mojo!

Friday
Feb012013

From the Derfwad Mailbag and/or Heavens to Betsy, Mrs. G. Has Grown

Dear Whoever,

A couple of years ago, an aquaitance (sic) introduced me to the Women's Colony, and I enjoyed the variety of writing and the community. I published a piece, "_____________" which generated considerable comment.

I haven't visited the site in a while, but recently wrote a piece that I thought would be perfect for it. When I revisited the site, much to my chagrin, I found that the Women's Colony had devolved to a self-promotional conceit of one person. What could have been a powerful voice for women is now one woman's self-referential blog. Sigh. How sad.

Well, suck up your self-referential accolades. The rest of us will continue to live in the real world.

Oh, and 15 g's? My daughters gave that shit up in middle school.

Mrs. G. received this email over the holidays. When she first read it, she immediately hit "Reply" and wrote Dear ________, put down your beer and go to bed. But after only a moment, Mrs. G. decided it was a waste of her time and dignity to reply. This, Reader, represents personal growth and emotional maturation for Mrs. G. Clearly this broad wasn't open to reason and, really, why even bother? It did tickle Mrs. G. that this woman believed Mrs. G. had somehow covertly dominated the creator of the Women's Colony and overtaken this poor woman's mission for her own narcissistic needs.

Mrs. G. gets trippy email on a semi-regular basis but __________'s diatribe was particularly priceless, ill-conceived and half-baked, much like Mrs. G's stance on yetis and her future as a badass Vegas croupier when she was in college and fully baked.

She thought you might get a kick out of sampling some of her less than enthusiastic weekly correspondence, but please excuse Mrs. G. while she retreats back to her fantasy world to catch up on the laundry, clean her scummy shower doors and self referentially scrub Gus's pee from beneath the dining room table. You real world derfs just go on about your business.

And, hey, Mrs. G. luv, luv, luved middle school, like 4-ever.

 

Tuesday
Jan292013

"Buzz Cut Scruffy" and "Yarnall Richie For Sale"

Mrs. G. doesn't look at her blog's Search Queries very often, because she is afraid she will see the words "Heifer Copeland Four Eyes" and know with certainty Philip Wong, her third grade bully -- no, her third grade affliction -- from Blessed Sacrament Elementary School, is searching for Mrs. G. to finally finish her off. You had to know Philip Wong to appreciate his devotion, his hearty enthusiasm for the follow through. So, when Philip Wong told Mrs. G. he was going to rub her out on the last day of school, she skipped the end-of-the-year picnic and called her grandfather and asked him to come pick her up early. She told him she had an earache, and he stopped at the Kroger on the way home and bought her an entire box of banana popsicles because he felt sorry for her. Mrs. G. considered the popsicles validation and sweet, sweet remuneration for her cowardice pacifism. 

The good news, based on the past several months of query searches, Philip Wong is not looking to finish what he started. Apparently, the trail is cold...unless you are the six people looking for a red hot hole. Mrs. G. hopes it's The Red Hot Hole she wrote about back during her son's Little League years. She really does.

Search Terms That Made Mrs. G. Smile

1) Hugh Jackman Smile

2) Disco Three Graces

3) Raoul Bova  (Raoul and Mark Harmon and Adam Levine are the most searched mancake in this blog's history)

4) Danskos Red

5) Blueberries for Sal

6) Handsome Hispanic Actors

7) Johnny Depp F%ck Off Island

8) Joseph Gordon-Levitt Glasses Funny

9) Dominoes Pizza Wedding

10) Cher Wallpaper

11) Dusty Springfield Legs

 

Search Terms That Gave Mrs. G. Pause and Confirmed Her Decision to Avoid Future Search Queries

1) Pee Inside The Toilet Bowl

2) Hot 40ish Hands

3) Sweaty Shins At Night

4) Hot Priest

5) Mother Like Bosom

6) Thongs

7) Clown Poop

8) Enema Bag

9) Bert And Ernie In Bed

10) Sudden Onset Of Adult Acne

11) модель эдуардо

These are just a few of the hundreds of search terms and the tamest fit to print. Search Queries. Like Philip Wong, they are hazardous to your health. Yes, Reader, the truth will usually set you free, but in this one instance, let ignorance prevail. Trust Mrs. G. on this one.

Or research clown poop. Mrs. G. can't save you all.

Monday
Jan212013

it's been a week...let's spill it on monday

Mrs. G. apologizes for Derfwad Manor's absence the past 10 days. The site crashed Thursday before last and she had to spend many hours spacing wonky text and reentering photographs. She has managed to restore the last four years of posts, but the first two years are a mess. Enter at your own risk.

Come back tomorrow and she will attempt to be funny.

So, what's up with you?