Entries in Blogging (135)

Tuesday
Oct142014

The Certainty of Uncertainty

Mrs. G. sat down six hours ago to write a long overdue update of her life in the margins. September was a trying, uphill month for a number of reasons she is incapable of explaining with any clarity. And should she? Of course she should, because who wants to miss a minute of her ongoing, continually unfolding Lifetime drama: Stout Middle-Aged Woman Searching for Meaning in the Walgreens Candy Aisle

That's right. Mrs. G. lives at the corner of happy and healthy. Just not in September.

It all started with Algebra, hours and hours of tackling it head on, day after day. Mrs. G. couldn't get it because she never got it. Her last required math class was in high school, taught by a man, Dan Hedgeman, who was counting the months until he was eligible for retirement, Mr. Hedgeman smelled like old coffee and anguish. He frequently referenced ships that didn't come in and warned his students to "Just wait, you'll see."

Mrs. G. finally saw...she needed a tutor. The battle continues. Mrs. G. is winning.

Algebra was followed by family visits and a stomach issue that required consistent vomiting for a couple of weeks. She'll spare you the details but Mrs. G. feels the need to share that her visit to a gastroenterologist further compromised her lifelong commitment to the sanctity of her ass. When she called Mr. G. to report the security breach, he told her Sanctity of My Ass should be the title of her first novel. She hung up on him. He called her back and asked her if she had just hung up on him. She assured him she hadn't, that he must not have heard her say goodbye. It's these kinds of games that keep their love alive.

In between throwing up and solving for x, Mrs. G. would sit down and try to write, but she kept coming up empty, so empty she started to question her ability to write, to even discern good writing. She felt like a fraud. She was embarrassed. Rather than pouring a glass of ginger ale and calling it a day, Mrs. G. shut her laptop and didn't open it up until yesterday when her daughter called and told Mrs. G. that someone had contacted her to see if everything was ok.

Everything is ok. Thank you for asking. Mrs. G. just needed to take a break...a long ass break. Her laptop sat on the dining room table, untouched, for nearly thirty days. This is odd to admit but Mrs. G. was wary of it. She would walk by and avoid looking at it. There was a peculiar stand off that Mrs. G. is unable to clearly explain. Like her, the whole deal was weird. Particularly since September is typically her favorite month of the year. October, though, is looking a-ok.

There you have it in 521 words. Mrs. G. intended to just quietly slide back in with no fanfare because she hates writing slushy accounts of her good, little, typical life. There are so many bigger fish to fry. Truly.

Fair is fair. How was your September?

Monday
Jul282014

OPEN POST...COMMENTING REQUIRED

Mrs. G. enjoyed the post where all of you commented where you were from. Thank you for that. It made Mrs. G, who occasionally feels alone and flummoxed behind the screen of her laptop, remember this is a thriving community of the world.

So today, she would love it if you would fill her in on what's happening in your life. What's something you are enjoying, looking forward to, struggling to master -- how's your summer? How's tricks? Other Derfs are as interested to read your responses as Mrs. G. is.

So here's Mrs. G's update...she is enjoying finally whipping her yard into shape and hoping to replace her rotting back deck in the fall. She is really (no joke) struggling through college biology and algebra (pre-requisites to entering into her teaching program). It's been a while since she was a student and she's finding the amount of information she's expected to retain overwhelming, but she is determined to muddle through until she UNDERSTANDS it. She cut her hair short after an unfortunate night she "trimmed" her hair herself and she really likes the new cut. She and Mr. G. are rolling along (he's thick in his summer umpire duties) and they are both enjoying having their son around for a few more weeks. She hasn't dealt with a depression in months and she'd like to think, realistic or not, that she may enjoy many more months of what she imagines normal people feel like. Her extended family is heading to Seaside, Oregon in August for a family reunion/memorial service for Mr. G's mother, who passed away last month. The family is going to celebrate her life and scatter her ashes in her favorite place on earth. Seaside was the location of many precious family memories. So, there you go.

One more thing. The Derf San Diego gathering Friday, September 12th and Saturday, September 13th can only happen if 40 people commit. Mrs. G. is trying to find a moderately priced hotel that can serve us, but she has to put down a deposit. A gracious Derf has tentatively offered to host us one evening at her beach front home. So, in order to attend, you must submit a $100 deposit (folks tend not to back out when they've made a financial commitment) which will go towards food and drink by Friday of next week. So, if you plan to attend, please leave a comment and Mrs. G. will contact you. She hopes this works out, but if not, there's always next year. If we really intend to be a genuine community (not just online, which is so satisfying, don't get her wrong), human contact should be enjoyed. We don't want to show up at the Colony and not know anyone. Oh, the Colony, it has been on Mrs. G's mind so much these days. Mrs. G. has longed to live in a commune setting since she was ten-years-old. This dream will come true in one fashion or another. Even if six of us settle down in an old rambler with acreage. So let Mrs. G. know if you are definitely coming (sorry, maybes don't count at this point).

Let's pretend we are sitting around Mrs. G's living room drinking margaritas and getting the low down. Mrs. G. looks forward to reading all your responses. When Mrs. G. was on her trip, several people commented that they were surprised that Mrs. G. knew so much about them. The point being Mrs. G. reads every comment on this blog, she has been reading them for seven years. She thinks about you at stop lights, she thinks about your struggles and your children and grandchildren. She sees you. 

Need a reminder?

Happynewyear from Heather Copeland Gattuccio on Vimeo.

 

So let's get this open post going!

Wednesday
Jul232014

You're Invited

OK, Derfs, it's now or never! Planning a Derf Weekend in San Diego (Mission Bay) Friday, September 12th and Saturday, September 13th. Are you game? You should be...meeting new (and old) friends, dancing, drinking, fraternizing on the beach, and no shortage of shenanigans! Leave a comment if you're interested. Mrs. G. hopes to meet you there! Bras optional.

Thursday
Jun052014

Objects of Affection

Mrs. G. received the following untraceable email from someonehadtosayit on Saturday night at 3:19am:

Dear Mrs. G,
 
I notice that you have referred to yourself as a feminist in many of your blog entries. You are not a feminist. You are a sexist! You objectify men in the same offensive way men objectify women. I'm sure I am the only person willing to tell you what many of your readers think. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am.

Make no mistake, reader, Mrs. G. takes her Derfwad Manor mail very seriously. So her first thought upon reading this was: very seriously, you are so not invited to join the Women's Colony.

Her second thought was that perhaps one of her four male readers might be chafed that as civilian men they would only be allowed on the Colony's property on Thursdays and Sundays, riled that they wouldn't be permitted to use the indoor bathrooms, indignant at the notion that they might need to ask for directions. 

Her third thought was wringing-wet with sadness that a regular reader might think that she was an objectifying sexist when she has spent so many months baring her soul, conscientiously cultivating her internet reputation as a middle aged perv with a theatrical vision. It's not as easy as it looks, someonehadtosayit, to do the physical and emotional legwork of fulfilling so many women's Secret Boyfriend needs. Mrs. G. is not paid for her Internet surfing social services. It's just something she offers up to the universe...sort of a female-friendly, grassroots version of the good kind of global warming.

So Mrs. G. asked Mr. G. if he thought she objectified men, and he said:

No, you do not objectify men; you only objectify parts of them.

And as Mrs. G. sighed with relief, he hugged her, kissed her on the head and asked her who he had to talk to about applying for the handyman's position at the Women's Colony.

She told him there would have to be a vote. An objective vote.

He didn't seem worried.

Friday
May022014

Derfwad Book Giveaway!

Updated 5/5: The winner of Kicks Like a Girl is  Ilyanna. Congrats you! Send Mrs. G. you're address and she'll order it to be sent to you pronto. Thanks to all who threw their name in the hat. We hope it becomes a best seller, Melissa!


Our very own Melissa Westemeier (Green Girl in Wisconsin) has written her third book, Kicks Like a Girl. A former high school English teacher-turned SAHM, Melissa blogs about environmental issues (Eco Women: Protectors of the Planet), and her adventures raising 3 boys and a ton of fresh produce on her family’s 60-acre homestead in Northeastern Wisconsin. Her current projects include a trilogy about a river town in Wisconsin, earning her 3rd degree black belt in karate and figuring out what to make for dinner tonight. Mrs. G. met Melissa during the Derf Road Trip and she is a very cool woman, strong and fierce.

Gretchen Benton is the maid of honor at her best friend's wedding when she gets drunk, says exactly the wrong thing and feels alone in the midst of all the couples. She can't avoid weddings--she's a florist. She also can't avoid the thugs who break into her shop and assault her the following night. To combat her fear after her attack, Gretchen enrolls in karate classes at a local dojo. Soon she's caught between her handsome martial arts instructor and the cute cop assigned to her case. As she begins mastering the basics of karate (while sweating enough to make her mascara run), Gretchen learns that kicking like a girl doesn't imply weakness, it means striking hard and striking with style.

Mrs. G. loves the sparkle and humor in Kicks Like a Girl. She read it in two nights. The main character, Gretchen, is Mrs. G's kind of woman.

If you would like your own brand new copy of Kicks Like a Girl by Melissa Westemeier, just leave a comment and that's it. Comments close Sunday night, May 4th @ 12am EST. Mrs. G. will announce the winner on Monday and ship it out the same day. She is happy to ship international. Good luck and happy reading.

Thursday
Apr172014

I Just Can't Let You Miss This. I Love You Too Much

Not safe for work or shrinking violets or nuns. Mrs. G. promises she will wash her mouth out with soap tonight and get her ass back on the track of righteousness. Profanity and such.

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Mar202014

Spring

Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography

Mrs. G. apologizes for her absence the last couple of weeks. She went to visit family and decided to leave her laptop at home. While many of you have figured out how to write on your phones, Mrs. G. hasn't, not to mention her bear-like paws would produce text like the following:

nowr It thE tyMw furr yWq 3mat

Nobody wins in this situation.

Now, Mrs. G. has to apologizes for her absence in the future. The next few weeks, she has to focus on three important things...

1) Throwing herself passionately into a program that should help her reclaim general health and wellbeing.

2) Finding a job that pays money. A deadline looms.

3) Finishing a book of essays she was invited to submit. A deadline looms.

This blog is not closing and Mrs. G. plans to pop in with stories if she just can't help it. She will continue to put up the Confessional each and every Friday so we can continue to stay in touch on a regular basis. Please stick your head in to say hello even if you usually don't. The book club is still on. Speaking of book club, Mrs. G. was not able to log in to her own blog during the last one due to debit card issues (don't ask). If you are interested in discussing Five Days at Memorial next Sunday at 6:00 PST, Mrs. G. will be there. This book is too intense not to talk about.

Should you want to stay in touch with Mrs. G. through Facebook, feel free to friend her personally. Up above under "Mingle" you can find her personal page. All welcome.

See you in a few weeks, friends!

Thursday
Feb272014

just a laundry list to get the creative juices flowing

Trust Mrs. G. when she tells you she has continually sat down at this computer over the week and tried to generate something entertaining, suffering for her art, twirling her hair with one hand and swigging a Diet Dr. Pepper with the other. She shall suffer no more, Reader, because it occurred to her she could just tell you what she's been up to, with the faith that more interesting content will follow.

1) Mrs. G. has been running around her town looking for interesting women to photograph and talk to for her new pet project "Dames of the Pacific Northwest."  She has finally reached a point where she doesn't mouth breathe and sweat when she approaches a total stranger to ask personal questions. She loves connecting with fellow women and sees this delightfully rewarding project as one more opportunity to challenge her self-assigned mediocrity. It's exciting to be excited.

 

2) Mrs. G. has been obsessed with the new HBO show "True Detective." She has watched each episode twice attempting to tease out symbolism, innuendo and, of course, the identity of the Yellow King. She's not going to bore you with her carefully crafted manifesto but she's pretty sure she has the whole damn thing figured out. She'll wait until the conclusion to gloat because that's the good and right thing to do.

 

3) These bastards have been invading Mrs. G's dreams.

 

 

4) Mrs. G's "friend" Aaryn sent her this shirt in the mail. This offering follows on the heels of her I-Put-Your-Cat-Christmas-Card-In-The-Toilet Clash of 2013. Mrs. G. was simultaneously flattered and floored when she opened the package. Mrs. G. tried the shirt on and her shelf-like bosom only made the cat's eyes even more aberrant and narcotizing. Mr. G. was so alarmed and apprehensive about the cat's soul-sucking soulful glare and hallucinatory vibe, he made Mrs. G. put the shirt in the car before they went to sleep for the night.

Mrs. G. plans to wear it with a denim skirt to her next job interview and talk about her love of Sudoku puzzles along with her other job skills, like homeschooling, cutting her own hair and rug hooking.

 

Mrs. G. was so touched by Aaryn't thoughtfulness she has been doing some browsing of her own.

 

And then Mrs. G. discovered Aaryn's gift is a man's shirt that can go with Mrs. G's man shoes. Just when you didn't think it could get any worse, Mrs. G's mother. Thanksgiving, here we come.

 

5) Mrs. G. has been knee deep in the roller coaster ride that is Five Days at Memorial: Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital. If you haven't joined the Derf Book Club, it's not too late. You can find the books and info here.

 

6) Mrs. G. got her first pair of bifocals last week. Hey, they aren't so bad.

 

What's up on your spot of the planet?