The Women's Colony

The Women's Colony

Many years ago, Mrs. G. and her beloved friend Faye showed up at the same mom's group. They connected instantly, and it didn't take them long to ditch the group (as Mrs. G. recalls many in the group were overly invested in and vocal about just how important they were prior to having children) in favor of a more intimate connection. Mrs. G's three-year-old-daughter adored Faye's three-year-old son, and Mrs. G. grooved on Faye -- the years they spent together are some of Mrs. G's most cherished. While Mrs. G. is lucky to have made many dear friends since she and Faye moved to opposite ends of the country, there has never been another friend who Mrs. G. has truly felt got her the way Faye did. And even though Mrs. G. hasn't seen Faye in six years, she holds Faye in the nook of her heart that she reserves for those rare people who offer unconditional friendship, unconditional love. In other words, if Faye ever flipped her lid and accidentally committed a premeditated murder, Mrs. G. would not only help her move the body but store it in her freezer and lie under oath.

During their many days and months of hard core mothering, birthing of additional babies, sapped marriages and overall weariness, they would frequently talk about the Women's Colony they would retire to when the kids were grown, and the husbands were gone. Just exactly how the husbands would be gone wasn't examined at any dangerous length. The fantasy was more about the sanctity of a female refuge for older, tired women who needed some sort of estrogen infused utopia. When times were tough, Faye and Mrs. G. would simply utter "Women's Colony" and nerves would ebb, hope would rally, dinner would make it to the table, children would be bathed, bedtime stories would be read, and, finally, wine bottles would be drained.

The Women's Colony would be in some out of the way place, some little slice of paradise that was off the grid and extremely difficult to access. Men would find it particularly hard to locate because without a doubt, they would be required to stop and ask for directions. Like that's going to happen.


It would be a place where women could come to spend their post mothering/wifing/working woman years to live completely as themselves. The selfish pursuit of individual desire and authenticity would be encouraged and allowed -- guilt free and without any emotional cost. No scales, no mirrors and fat asses, cellulite, age spots, chin hairs, crows feet and bras optional. For those reluctant to cut all ties with their heterosexual needs, husbands and boy toys gentleman friends could be bussed in on Thursdays and Sundays for conversation and such. Appreciative children, grandchildren and emotionally stable relatives could come to visit every other Saturday and all major holidays.

This Women's Colony would not be any sort of Hee-Haw existence. No one would have to live on a school bus or make hemp hammocks to support her diet of quinoa and tempeh. Or kale, no motherfucking kale. 


Each woman would have an entire floor of a house like this...


or this...


or this.


Faye and Mrs. G. felt strongly that there should be a row of connected rocking chairs on the front porches of the various houses, and each evening, it would be one woman's responsibility to do the rocking. The rest of the women would just sit there and sip gin chill.

There would need to be a butler to overlook the running of the house and the division of labor that would not involve any of the women.


After years of full calendars and the juggling the lives of others, every woman's "to do" list would basically be nothing, nothing and nothing. For those with a need to be productive, they would be free do whatever the hell they wanted. There would be no pairing of socks or locating anything for anybody. Anyone who uttered the phrase, "What's for dinner?" would be told to shut up, just shut up.


In the Women's Colony, bathrooms would be sanctuaries of solace and joy. No bathtub or toilet scrubbing or dealing with hairs whose origins are too disturbing to contemplate.


There would be creative spaces for each woman: writing and pottery studios and crafting spaces and dark rooms.


Communal dinners would be optional.

But this guy would be the Colony's personal chef. We'll get to the maid and dishwasher momentarily. Bourdain doesn't do dishes.

Fresh organic vegetables,fruits and herbs would be grown right on the property


And, of course, a full-time gardener would be on site.


Oh, and there would be flowers...fields and fields of flowers.


Despite the Colony not having an in-ground pool, a pool boy would be available for serving cocktails, rubbing in sunscreen and gratuitous eye candy.


There would be no no pool, because the ocean would be just a stone's throw away from everyone's homes.


As mentioned earlier, members of the Women's Colony would have no mandatory chores. Those would be completed by the Colony's full-time maid.


Yes, another pristine woman-only bathroom. Mrs. G. is willing to admit that the concept of a man-free bathroom was the cornerstone of her Women's Colony fantasy.


Despite the Colony's rural setting, regular house calls would be made by a prominent physician.


There would be a music room with a roaring fireplace.


And a yoga/meditation space amongst the luscious trees.


And a library overflowing with books and flanked by overstuffed chairs.


Please forgive Mrs. G's obsessive need to keep returning to the clean bathroom.


In recognition that men need to pee too, an outhouse would be provided. Toilet paper at no extra charge.

All animals welcome.


No shortage of spaces to be alone and spy on the gardener read a good book.


Mrs. G. would assume the responsibility of taking care of the laundry, so it wouldn't take too long before clothing became optional.


Rocking chairs, gardens, beach front property, no chores, clean bathrooms, gourmet food, conjugal visits, handsome servants...paradise, people. Female paradise. And in the meantime, when the boss is bitching, the kids are mouthy, the spouse is cranky, the relatives keep reminding you of all the things you could do better, take a deep breath and exhale Women's Colony...Women's Colony.

But with better hair. Who's in?

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Reader Comments (8)

In, in, in! Like, already on my way in. I've missed you, Mrs. G!

November 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenn McCowan

Mrs G! Missed you, how delightful to read a post from this very month. I am just as in as I ever was. More power to you and everyone's "Faye".
Also, whenever I see schmould scnavy items, I always think of your daughter and smile

November 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHer Imperial Majesty

As always I’m all in. What a glorious life it would be to live with all of my internet aunties and uncle gary.

December 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTonya

I was just thinking of you yesterday, when I saw a picture of Brad Pitt. Good to hear from you!


December 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMary W.

Nice surprise to see this pop in my reader today.
I've loved this idea so long. And Brad/George/Matt has made me think of you since the early days of derfwad manor. Hope you're doing well.

December 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEliz

Love it! Am kinda living it already, I realize, as I'm scrolling through this delightful post. Except no manservants. But with no men, Chez Badass doesn't get dirty. And my toilet is ALWAYS that clean.

December 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterThe WB

So it's in our heads, our hearts, which on the coldest, angriest day feels like enough. Thank you for this space.

December 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa Westemeier

Oh, the wonder of it all! Thank you so much for this bright spot.
This could be a fabulous ongoing serious “just another day at the women’s colony”

March 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterDianne

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