The Women's Colony

It has come to Mrs. G's attention that many new readers (this was published nearly seven years ago) have not read this post. Mrs. G. felt compelled to repeat it because you can't truly understand her (or this blog and much of its lingo) without knowing about the Colony, a concept that when exercised daily is likely as effective as any antidepressant on the market. Mrs. G. texted her son a few days ago asking him to bring home some milk, toilet paper and Fanta. Autocorrect morphed Fanta into fantasy. Mrs. G's son called her and said, "Mom, I can buy you a lot of things, but fantasies aren't one of them. QFC doesn't sell the Women's Colony." He brought home grape Fanta, which on the right day can fulfill a fantasy, but it just doesn't have the staying power. Mrs. G. has a dream...and this is it.

P.S. Mrs. G. is currently writing a novel with this plot so if you steal the idea, she will hunt you down and kill you. It just so happens she knows a few women who would help her move and hide the body. You've been warned.


The Women's Colony

Many years ago, Mrs. G. and her beloved friend Faye showed up at the same mom's group. They connected instantly, and it didn't take them long to ditch the group (as Mrs. G. recalls many in the group were overly invested in and vocal about just how important they were prior to having children) in favor of a more intimate connection. Mrs. G's three-year-old-daughter adored Faye's three-year-old son, and Mrs. G. grooved on Faye -- the years they spent together are some of Mrs. G's most cherished. While Mrs. G. is lucky to have made many dear friends since she and Faye moved to opposite ends of the country, there has never been another friend who Mrs. G. has truly felt got her the way Faye did. And even though Mrs. G. hasn't seen Faye in ten years, she holds Faye in the nook of her heart that she reserves for those rare people who offer unconditional friendship, unconditional love. In other words, if Faye ever flipped her lid and accidentally committed a premeditated murder, Mrs. G. would not only help her move the body, but store it in her freezer until the coast was clear.

During their many days and months of hard core mothering, birthing of additional babies, sapped marriages and overall weariness, they would frequently talk about the Women's Colony they would retire to when the kids were grown, and the husbands were gone. Just exactly how the husbands would be gone wasn't examined at any length. The fantasy was more about the sanctity of a female refuge for older, tired women who needed some sort of estrogen infused utopia. When times were tough, they would simply utter Women's Colony and nerves would ebb, hope would rally, dinner would make it to the table, children would be bathed, bedtime stories would be read, and, finally, wine bottles would be drained.

The Women's Colony would be in some out of the way place, some little slice of paradise that was off the grid and extremely difficult to access. Men would find it particularly difficult to locate because, without a doubt, they would be required to stop and ask for directions. Like that's going to happen.



It would be a place where women could come to spend their post mothering/wifing/working woman years to live completely as themselves. The selfish pursuit of individual desire and authenticity would be encouraged and allowed -- guilt free and without any emotional cost. No scales, no mirrors, fat asses, cellulite, age spots, chin hairs, crows feet and bras optional. For those reluctant to cut all ties with their heterosexual needs, husbands and boy toys gentleman friends could be bussed in on Thursdays and Sundays for conversation and such. Appreciative children, grandchildren and emotionally stable relatives could come to visit every other Saturday and all major holidays.

This Women's Colony would not be any sort of Hee-Haw existence. No one would have to live on a school bus or make hemp hammocks to support her diet of quinoa and tempeh.


Each woman would have an entire floor of a house like this...


or this...


or this.


Faye and Mrs. G. felt strongly that there should be a row of connected rocking chairs on the front porches of the various houses, and each evening, it would be one woman's responsibility to do the rocking. The rest of the women would just sit there and sip cosmos chill.

There would need to be a butler to overlook the running of the house and the division of labor that would not involve any of the women.


After years of full calendars and the juggling the lives of others, every woman's to do list would basically be nothing, nothing and nothing. For those with a need to be productive, they would be free do whatever the hell they wanted. There would be no pairing of socks or locating anything for anybody.


In the Women's Colony, bathrooms would be sanctuaries of solace and joy. No bathtub or toilet scrubbing or dealing with hairs whose origins are too disturbing to contemplate.


There would be creative spaces for each woman: writing and pottery studios and crafting spaces and dark rooms.


Communal dinners would be optional.

But this guy would be the Colony's personal chef. We'll get to the maid and dishwasher momentarily. Bourdain doesn't do dishes.

Fresh organic vegetables,fruits and herbs would be grown right on the property


And, of course, a full-time gardener would be on site.


Oh, and there would be flowers...fields and fields of flowers.


Despite the Colony not having an in-ground pool, a pool boy would be available for serving cocktails, rubbing in sunscreen and gratuitous eye candy.


There would be no no pool, because the ocean would be just a stone's throw away from everyone's houses.


As mentioned earlier, members of the Women's Colony would have no mandatory chores. Those would be completed by the Colony's full-time maid.


Yes, another pristine girl's bathroom. Mrs. G. is willing to admit that the concept of a man-free bathroom was the cornerstone of her Women's Colony fantasy.


Despite the Colony's rural setting, regular house calls would be made by a prominent physician.


And this would be Susan Carlin's personal art studio. Mrs. G. will be disappointed if Susan, her daughter, Professor J, and their dogs don't plan on becoming charter members.

There would be a music room with a roaring fireplace.


And a yoga/meditation space amongst the luscious trees.


And, of course, a library overflowing with books and flanked by overstuffed chairs.


Please forgive Mrs. G's obsessive need to keep returning to the clean bathroom.


In recognition that men need to pee too, an outhouse would be provided. Toilet paper at no extra charge.

All animals welcome.


No shortage of spaces to be alone and spy on the gardener read a good book.


Mrs. G. would assume the responsibility of taking care of the laundry, so it wouldn't take too long before clothing became optional.


Rocking chairs, gardens, beach front property, no chores, clean bathrooms, gourmet food, conjugal visits, hot servants...paradise, people. Female paradise. And in the meantime, when the boss is bitching, the kids are mouthy, the spouse is cranky, the relatives keep reminding you of all the things you could do better, take a deep breath and exhale Women's Colony...Women's Colony.

But with better hair. Who's in?


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Reader Comments (225)

OMG - I'll come!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Sign me up. And my "Faye" too.
As if the rest of it wasn't enticing enough, you had to go and hire my personal butler. Don't worry, I can share. I'm not the jealous type.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteraaryn b.

I honestly don't know whether to cry or laugh, or both. Forget the afterlife. I've got my sights set on this.

You should get your own Founder's House, for thinking of this place. From now on, deep in my heart, I choose to believe that it's real.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjennifer h

Mrs. G, what about someone like me who prefers the female version of eye candy? Also, I have no children (yet) but I spent the last several years taking care of other peoples kids. Can I come too? Will female eye candy be provided for me?

Of course, I'm "in." What sane woman wouldn't be?
My friends and I have this same dream haven. (Wonder how many women all over the world have this fantasy?) However, we neglected to include male "help." A significant oversight.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeth would be positively heaven, honey. Sign me up please...and I will be bringing a few guests, who also deserve all that.
May we do "body shots" off either the waiters serving our margaritas or the cleaning staff?!? It's not important, but...well...just would like to know so we don't cross any lines!!
(Man oh man, did I miss you while I was "gone"!!!)

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdkuroiwa

Whodoesshethinksheisanyway: it's a WOMENS'S colony. There will be no shortage of female eye candy. And lesbians have an advantage, they don't have to wait until Thursdays and Sundays for their paramours to be bussed in. It just wouldn't be right to have female domestics at the Women's Colony, so you are just going to have to bring somebody along or woo someone on the premises.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. G.

Oh Mrs G....this one is wonderful! I can't stop laughing at the last pic :D.
I am however passionately in love with that bathroom. Divine.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhippyhappyhay

I love it! I've talked with my friends about this place too. My Heavenly Retreat also includes gay men.

My only change to your BRILLIANT plan is to be able to clone the gardener. Seriously... We'd need a lot of him.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlog Princess

this post must have been great fun to put together.

i'm deeply disappointed that there is no employment opportunity there for my man Ciaran Hinds.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlaurie

We'd need to have better hair than that, though. I'm in - reserve me one of those pristine bathrooms with a soaking tub. And that blank To-Do list. I'm allowed to bring knitting, right?

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuburbanCorrespondent

I'm totally in. I'll keep the kitchen stocked with chocolate at all times.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Yum Yum

I'm in! Though I think I might only need that clean bathroom to live in (with a chaise perhaps), and dibs on an outside chair to nap in. Heaven. Completely blissful heaven!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterherM

I. Am. In.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sez..

I started reading your blog recently (thanks to She's a Rebel, She's a Saint) and OMG I am soooooo in! Where do I sign up and when can we go??? I'm ready now.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeck

Oh yes, count me in. I actually get a little taste of this when I go to the Mt. House alone or with some women friends. We don't have all the "help" you picture but I do hire the occasional muscular rough and ready local to clean the gutters and sweep up the pine needles. That can be entertaining.

I think I need some rockers for the deck now.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersee you there!

memememememememememememe please may I come???? in a few years when the kids fly the coop. Oh, all except the large, silly, pet-loving son with autism. Could he stay in an outbuilding and be the pet-feeder/groomer??? Otherwise i can't come :-( drat!


April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh, I am soooo in!

I think most women hold this kind of place somewhere in their secret hearts...

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

i'm with jennifer h (my bff who i haven't seen in six years!) i didn't know if i should laugh or cry. i am so in.

and i also choose to believe this is real and this is where i'm ending up.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadge

I am so IN!

You could certainly count on me to do NOTHING!

I love how you and Faye think =)

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

i drooled whilst i was reading. the only thing is that i would have to bring along my own chef, jamie oliver. while i *heart* anthony, sometimes a gal just needs her some good english accent. i promise that me and all my besties will be showing up for our part of the house.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterveronique


And I agree ... more of the gardener. Please?

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

I'm there. But I'm not growing out my hair or wearing a squash blossom necklace.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa V

Please consider this my application to join your elite Women's Colony!
Oh, and I would like to donate the location. How does an island off the Gulf coast of southwest Florida with miles of white sand beaches and no roads, just sand paths for golf carts, walking or bicycling sound? The only access to the island is by boat or airplane (small landing strip that stretches the width of the island on one end.)
Only hitch is my mom would have to live there as it's her home now. Later, my step-sisters too, but one of them might make a good friend for whodoesshethinksheisanyway!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterzamozo

I'm in!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl Alena Bartram

Sign me up!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMcSwain

Count me in too! But I have one request, could Matt Damon and Johnny Depp alternate days for maid service?

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

I'm in! Where do I send my check?

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersozzled


April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathy


you better believe Im driving the bus!

Mrs G, I LOVE YOU!!!
coastal nest

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Count me in.

"zamozo" (commenter) is my Faye; how cool that she's already counted herself in!! ::: waving to zamozo :::

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGlenda

It's been a tough domestic week. I'm on my way.

(You had me at House.)

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

Yes, please.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpeppermint t

I'm in. Can we start now? Or at least maybe borrow the maid? You know - break him in.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterK.

Dude, you and I have similar taste in men. Apparently we all do.

It sounds divine, it does, but you know what? we'd figure out a way to fuck it up, we women. Someone would look at Someone Else cross eyed and then Someone Else would tell Someone Three about it who would admit that she had never liked Someone's art anyway and before you know it, the peace would be gone. Not to mention the fighting over the gardener.

Is that pessimistic of me?

Yeah, probably don't invite me after all.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGwen

Just need to check one last thing before I commit. Does it have WiFi?

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

I'll sign up if I can grow some flowers! I also reserve the right to tweeze hairs off my chin.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy

So I can visit on Thursdays and Sundays? Sounds like a deal. Oh, my wife has to be there too? I just can't visit for the "and such"?


April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterstu

I'm in. Lawd almighty, I'm in. I think I just had some type of orgasm from reading this.

Also...OMG I am WITH you on the mommy group thing.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGreta

I'm so in.

I literally am crying as I wrote this. I got goosebumps and burst into tears when I read the wrap-up list at the end. All those wonderful things I want, all in one sentence.

Oh Mrs. G, I am so tired of men stuff. (I want my men free bathroom now please.)

Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one who has SERIOUSLY contemplated running away with her friends to live like that someday. (I should have known I wasn't alone, but you know what I mean....)

Women's Colony....

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

This sounds like a no-brainer.

Some women I used to know would have a couple of retreats each year, taking turn at their homes in the country. They called the weekend "NokNomNoe" which meant No Kids, No Men, No Expectations. It was fabulous. Just good food, good music, and good company.

I should revive this!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

Mrs. G - You really fleshed this out! A couple of my Faye friends talked about this at one of our girl's weekends some years ago and then in the successive weekends following. I love all the details. . . I'm in.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRuthanne (in Seattle)

I'm in.
I can't even think of anything witty to say about it.
It's far too serious.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterblackbird

Not only am I in, but my seventeen year old daughter wants to reserve her spot in advance.

I'm so proud.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Put me down for the Blue house please!

I'll bring my own beautiful Victorian toilet though! Can't stand those ugly modern white things.

Your Colony brochure is very mouthwatering I must say. Look forward to the reality!

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Poet Laura-eate

sanctuary - it truly would be a heaven on earth. I'm in.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterms-teacher

I'm sorry we haven't met. I'm your long lost twin sister. Apparently we were seperated at birth! I came upon your blog today and laughed at our same tastes. However, I must inform you Robbie and Gerard are TAKEN!!!!! They have been my secret boyfriends/future husbands for many years now. You've been put in my favourites I'll be back for another fun read. Cheers, Donna

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Mrs G - you were put on earth to write this post. If you never write another thing it doesn't matter. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteralice c

I am SO IN. Weeping with laughter and also recognition as one of my favorite women friends in the universe moved to Vermont last year. We are BOTH coming. As will my mom and aunt when I send them your 100% perfection post.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBird

I'm there. In a heartbeat.

It's like" REL="nofollow">Hedgebrook, with, um, "more appealing" staff.

Is it possible to have a small pool put in one's yard? Even though the ocean will be thisclose, I sense I will require considerable time with the pool boy.

April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuzanne

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