Objects of Affection

Mrs. G. received the following untraceable email from someonehadtosayit on Saturday night at 3:19am:

Dear Mrs. G,
I notice that you have referred to yourself as a feminist in many of your blog entries. You are not a feminist. You are a sexist! You objectify men in the same offensive way men objectify women. I'm sure I am the only person willing to tell you what many of your readers think. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am.

Make no mistake, reader, Mrs. G. takes her Derfwad Manor mail very seriously. So her first thought upon reading this was: very seriously, you are so not invited to join the Women's Colony.

Her second thought was that perhaps one of her four male readers might be chafed that as civilian men they would only be allowed on the Colony's property on Thursdays and Sundays, riled that they wouldn't be permitted to use the indoor bathrooms, indignant at the notion that they might need to ask for directions. 

Her third thought was wringing-wet with sadness that a regular reader might think that she was an objectifying sexist when she has spent so many months baring her soul, conscientiously cultivating her internet reputation as a middle aged perv with a theatrical vision. It's not as easy as it looks, someonehadtosayit, to do the physical and emotional legwork of fulfilling so many women's Secret Boyfriend needs. Mrs. G. is not paid for her Internet surfing social services. It's just something she offers up to the universe...sort of a female-friendly, grassroots version of the good kind of global warming.

So Mrs. G. asked Mr. G. if he thought she objectified men, and he said:

No, you do not objectify men; you only objectify parts of them.

And as Mrs. G. sighed with relief, he hugged her, kissed her on the head and asked her who he had to talk to about applying for the handyman's position at the Women's Colony.

She told him there would have to be a vote. An objective vote.

He didn't seem worried.

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Reader Comments (42)

hahahaaaaa. I vote for Mr. G as handy man and part-time chef

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

I vote for Mr. G too!

Mr. G. gets my vote too. Will he work shirtless?

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterauntjone

Is there an official No Wet Blanket policy yet?

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLynne

I love trolls these days like "Someonehadtosayit". I can see why this email came in during the wee hours of the morning, being creative like that takes time. She clearly doesn't get you and should try finding her sense of humor. Mr G has my vote too, he cooks ...I've seen pics.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKim

"Middle-aged perv" heeee.

Oh, Mrs. G., I go regularly to the gym to tone my body and treat my eyes. I am an evil, evil objectifier as I sit at the leg curl machine looking at the bicep porn going on over in the weight-lifting area. Male bodies can be beautiful, and if it's wrong to secretly objectify admire them from across the gym, then I really, really don't want to be right.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteralison

What a sanctimonious troll...with no sense of "ha-ha", either. Begone, wench! "No-one likes you here". I am SO happy that Mrs. G is posting again! Perhaps that was the purpose of the troll's wee hours of the night email? Regardless, I think Mr. G would serve as an excellent handyman/butler/chef, at least on a part-time basis.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

I guffawed....really, I did! We all know what trolls like that can do. Damn straight. They can go join a feminist colony. The likes of which no one here would go to. It takes a special breed to belong here. And we know who we are. She, obviously, does NOT BELONG. But, that's ok. I'm ok. You're ok. We are all ok.


June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Don't you love how they think they are really TELLING YOU SOMETHING. As in "Oh my goodness. Up until this anonymous e-mail came in, sent by someone who can't even stand behind their words well enough to identify themselves, I had not realized that looking at anyone anywhere with anything but the purest intentions in my heart might be considered a problem. I shall endeavor to change this scandalous behavior at once! Thank you, oh thank you, anonymous reader who is also voicing the concern of countless others who have no ability to speak their own thoughts. You have rescued us all!"

Or something like that.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

Aw crap, it said it didn't go through so I posted it again. Now I look like an even bigger idiot than when I started. Please feel free to delete one or both. I'm in George Strait withdrawal, I can't help it.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

If this person bothered to read any of your Secret Boyfriend posts in depth, he/she would discover that the physical traits would mean (almost) nothing if they weren't part of a larger package (no pun intended, ladies!) that included intelligence, integrity, etc. I mean, duh. Handsome is as handsome does, and all your SB posts bear that out. The looks are just the icing on the cake.

Oh brother! Anonymous email. She is clearly not getting it. I vote for Mr G for chef and handyman, and just for all around awesomeness.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJennie

I won't consider you a sufficiently evolved objectifier until you start posting more delicious male butts. There's just something about a finely developed posterior that sets my heart aflutter. Yours in feminist objectification, les

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

We should really thank "someonehadtosayit". Because of her we have had a good laugh. I hope she/he writes again. And Mrs.G, thank you for providing a safe, fun, eye candy colony.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjean

I vote for any man who will cook and clean and fix things!

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSusan:)

maybe she was just stirring the pot to get Mrs G's writing un-blocked. I thing it worked! nice to have you back Mrs G.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngAK

The way you go in to detail about the Secret Boyfriend's history of fidelity to a wife of many years, philanthropy, honest to goodness talents, well that is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Maybe instead of talking about the man as a whole package (see what I did there?) we should just show nudes and stills from sex tapes and talk about how we would bang em.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermolly

lol Molly.

Perhaps " someonehadtosayit " needs to get banged.

If you don't like what mrs g has to say stop reading.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLinda C in Seattle

Oh,good grief.
I'm gonna look as long as I can see.
We're all human.
Why is it not okay for women to enjoy a good look.
Sign Mr g up now.
Cooking is sexy.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynot

While we're on the topic, my son (22 yrs old) recently recommended that I submit a suggestion for Pharrell Williams to be man-caked. My son has a good sense of these things & remembers that there's an age requirement instilled by Mrs. G. which Pherrell, at age 41, meets - very nicely.
As for the handyman vote, Mr G. gets mine.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda J

Why, oh why, do some people feel compelled to piss on everything? No one is forcing you to read this blog, no one is forcing you to agree with everything that's shown or said on it, and no one is interested in whatever negative thing you think you're entitled to say. Shut the hell up and go piss somewhere else.

And Mrs. G? Welcome back. We've missed you.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNacCrackHouse

Oh for heaven's sake, someonehadtosayit, get a life.
And a sense of humor.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterknittergran

Mr. G. for Colony head carpenter and guest chef!

Cindy's comment and SuburbanCorrespondent's comment were spot-on here.

Oh my word! Gotta thank "someone" though. Had a good laugh at some of the comments. It has even helped motivate me to finally join the gym thanks to alison! Never thought about that benefit.
Sending some good juju your way for the interview too.

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisawinks

And hell yeah to Mr.G for handyman/chef. Hope he can handle a colony full of hussies!

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisawinks

"civilian men they would only be allowed on the Colony's property on Thursdays and Sundays, riled that they wouldn't be permitted to use the indoor bathrooms, indignant at the notion that they might need to ask for directions."

Seriously? Twice a week -- one half of every partnership is now salivating. Indoor bathroom detail? The men headed to the colony are all "and that matters how?...." And the direction thing just keeps out the riffraff.

As long as Mrs. G and Mr. G are at the colony? -- golden!

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterUse Wisdom

I notice that I am a featured blogger, and I would LOVE to be objectified ;) You should see the pics of me in a little speedo making homemade tortillas posted there today ;) (kidding, but only about the speedo ;)

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGary Edward Rith

Mr. G would have my vote as well! I agree with all the other comments - does this person even read your posts? "Larger package" indeed. Lol

And the "saying what most readers are thinking" part? HA! This person obviously doesn't read the posts or the comments. Was good for a laugh, though.

Out of all the blogs I once read, this is the ONLY one I still read. Do I agree with everything you write? Well, yeah actually, I do. Intelligent, funny, sincere, and beautiful. You, Mrs. G, are indeed the whole package. Good thought, vibes, prayers, and all that for you today in your interview!

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

My dad used to say that that being disliked by certain people is a compliment. Keep that Mancake coming, Mrs. G! You are my kind of feminist.

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter*m*

Last I checked, feminism was about equality for men AND women. Feminism does not mean we cannot admire each other for all kinds of reasons. You've always encouraged members of the colony to appreciate the outer AND inner beauty of amazing men. That seems about as feminist as a person can get! I'd have no problem with men celebrating women in the same enthusiastic and inclusive way. (And if anyone can ever find a place where men do, I'd love to know about it.)
In short, this person has no idea what they're talking about, flinging around words like "feminism" in a way that simply does not apply.
Now serve us up a slice of mancake, Mrs. G!

I love mancake! "someone" just doesn't get it, or you, or us, but I appreciate the result of this post and the hilarious comments! I too cast my "objective" vote for Mr. G as long as he will cook his pasta sauce!

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Carol

Why is it that the second Mrs. G posts anything after being away for a bit....someone feels they must "help" her by purging their spleen? It seems to happen every time.

As I've said again and again.....I love everything about the Colony....keep up the objectifying and sexual makes me happy.

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTrudy

When in high school, I upset the boys to the point where they covered their butts with books when walking past me - and my growing group of cohorts. Initially, they didn't understand why we shouted out numbers as they went by. One finally asked and was told we were rating their behinds. Nervous laughter: "Really? Not really." "Yes. You're a 6. Work on it." It was better than eating lunch. I suppose I'm not a feminist either.

You go, Mrs. G, and let's get that Colony established. Mr. G can be handyman; can mine be the DJ?

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d

I will officially be rating butts that pass me for the rest of the day. Thanks, naomi d for the tip!

Since I'm at work, I may not shout them out, but I will definitley be messaging them with my two work "gal pals".

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

I am totally rating butts today! Thanks for the idea, Naomi! I'd also like to submit the character Tina from Bob's Burgers as an honorary Derf. She loves checking out butts, and spouts pearls of wisdom like, "I'm no hero, I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else".

And yes, please put Mr. G on kitchen duty.

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I'm over how everything has to fit into its neat little boxes, so stringently defined by the judgemental 'other'
We all like to laugh,, we all like the allure of what's attractive. No one is suggesting that the imaginary is or ever should become real or that these people actually are their one directional Bigger Love characters. More power to you man baking Mrs G. I'm a long serving fan

June 6, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHerImperialMajesty

What everybody else said. ^
Loved naomi d's story! Maybe that's what some men really need - a taste of their own medicine. However, men tend to actually like a little objectification (Hi, Gary!). They also seem more prone to exhibitionist type behaviors. I know - broad generalization, but that has been my experience.

June 7, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter~annie

This is what keeps her up until 3am. For the love of cheezits.

June 7, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterN and Em's mom

I got to work that day, and thought, "What did my big mouth write this time?" Thanks for the comments. I do like the mancake here, especially as not only do they have good butts, but big hearts too - just like everyone here. I scared the boys in high school, and their dads. Now I'm a much more sedate woman (maybe).

June 7, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d

That kind of comment/email is THE WORST. It acts as though it owns the room, with its sole purpose being to deconstruct your confidence. Through its anonymity and refusal to open genuine conversation, it grabs the power and hopes only to make you feel like sh**.

Who wants to know that person? Not me.

June 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJocelyn

Oh, fer fuck's sake!

June 12, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

Some people are just born lacking that gene that tells them when they have outstayed their welcome, overstepped their bounds, etc. It never ceases to amaze me, how some people are such "A"-holes. "someonehadtosayit" has managed to make themself unlikable to the most accepting bunch I've ever been around. Let's assume she would not pass the application process for The Colony. I do not want to lie on a lounger next to the chic with a stick up her ass and no sense of humor! How the hell would I vent and be my inappropriate self.

June 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSalty Mama

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