Thursday
Apr172014

I Just Can't Let You Miss This. I Love You Too Much

Mrs. G. has been having long-winded conversations on Facebook about a recent experience she had with a potential employer who told her that she wouldn't be hired because of her "online moral presence." The potential employer told her that if she shut down her blog, she could always reapply. Interestingly, this company sells hundreds of books with titles like "Lexi's First Time," "Best Friends Share Everything," and "Doctor with a Stetson."

Mrs. G. knows many of you aren't on Facebook so she is posting some of the comments because they are hilarious and lifted Mrs. G. out of her impure, unprincipled funk. She's always know she's a whore, but immoral? It hit her hard.

Mrs. G. asked her FB Derfs how she could improve her online moral presence. She is not going to include names besides her own because she doesn't want to be responsible for the virtue, the morality of others and their likelihood of burning in hell. 

The Question: How does Mrs. G. improve her online moral presence?

The answers in the order they were received:

 

Mrs G: Should I go back to year one when I showed pictures of my bum in granny panties?

G:  The real question is, why the $^%&^^% &%^$*&%^* would you want to? We think you're awesome, just the way you are.

S1. Don't change.

M1. Fewer dildo reviews

B1. Mancake this guy: http://www.joelosteen.com/Pages/Home.aspx

R. It's not going to happen, you shameless whore!

Mrs. G: Clog pornography?

B1. Post this

K1. I say we all collectively give them the finger and then drink many margaritas and laugh uncontrollably at their self righteous, holier than thou morality.

A. Post a picture of yourself wearing a chastity belt OVER your clothes.

K2. I thought the best part about being online was being immoral.

Mrs. G. I'm thinking of taking a cat and bottle of Xanax to my next interview to use as visual aids regarding my hobbies.

M1. I think lets veer off into real immorality. Lets do reviews on which employers or insurance companies pay for Viagra but not birth control. Plus you would get to say dick a lot.

M2. I am still puzzled over what the objection could possibly be.

Mrs. G: What about a Game of Thrones puppet show on my shelf-like bosom?

Mrs. G: Maybe it was that photo of Anthony Bourdain with the strategically placed ham bone. Or the post where I suggested the GOP keep its mitts off my hoo ha.

M1. We objectify one little itty bitty chef and the fucking world falls apart. But I can't buy groceries without seeing tits and ass EVERYWHERE! (I want to be able to turn into the Hulk version of Gloria Steinem. "Womyn Smash!!)

Mrs. G: I am sitting here drinking a gin and tonic and feeling very immoral. I'm either going to go read the new Mona Simpson book or cause some trouble. It could go either way.

M1. I would pay very real money to see the feminist version of the Hulk movie. Every time someone angers her with complete stupidity about gender issues she can start to grow and roar and smash! "But there isn't really a pay gap between genders....." "ROAR!!!" "But I think cheerleading honors girls achievements, too....." "SMASH"

Mrs. G: M, come over and I'll make you a drink. We can smash things.

M1. In a heartbeat.

M2. Ooh I forgot about that Bourdain shot. Thanks for reminding me 

S1. How about some folk art cats? https://www.google.com/search?q=folk%20art%20cat...

S2. Spank me in my Spanx?

J.  Looks like you'd have to jettison all your on-line friends as a first move toward having a "more moral on-line presence."

P1. What's morality?

Mrs. G: Something I'm apparently fucking short on. Can you fucking believe that? What the fuck, right? I mean fuck.

P2. Well, fuck. I'll bet I'm fucking short on it, too.

C.  Once a hussy.... started a blog, and the world became a happier place.

N. Bwahahaha! Best conversation ever.

T. Silly me....I never realized you were immoral. ...

Mrs. G: I keep it stashed in my Eddie Bauer wrinkle free shirts.

 

Thank you for the laughs and the probability Mrs. G. will have to leave the country to get a job. She hears New Zealand is nice this time of year.

 

Oh, and more suggestions are welcome! 

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Reader Comments (18)

Your situation is like Arlo Guthrie and ALICE'S RESTAURANT: (along the lines of) "you mean you don't think that a man arrested for littering is moral enough to join the army and kill and maim people?". Upside down world, Missus G, then and now :)

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGary Edward Rith

"I'm proud to be a hussy from D-Manor!" (Sung to the tune of Okie from Muskogee)

Seriously - "online moral presence" ? Maybe you misunderstood and this company thinks you are too moral, considering book titles like you mentioned. Such hypocracy. Really scratching my head over here.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter~annie

Still curious as to what sort of job it was and why your online presence mattered. And do you think that my hurling invective at small-breasted tarts who don't have to spend their children's college funds on bras that will fit may hurt future employment chances?

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersuburbancorrespondent

Bahahahaha for the Female Hulk!

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEmile

Shouldn't this be some kind of sex discrimination lawsuit? I know nothing about the law but seriously... you weren't hired because of this website! Probably worth at least a year of pay you should have gotten.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLizzie

What I want to know is why you want to work at Hobby Lobby...I thought you were a Michaels girl;)
They really questioned your "morality?" THIS site offends more than the duck-faced cleavage-endowed selfies on millions of other sites? UGH!

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

Mostly, I am just disappointed that I wasn't in on the original conversation.

But really, who DOESN"T have an online presence? And if you do, whose is strictly moral?

And of course, ANTHONY WITH A HAMBONE IS GOOD FOR MY MORAL STANDING.
That is all.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkate in MI

At least they talked to you about it. So many times when you apply for a job, the application seems to disappear into the ether. And you got a hilarious story out of it!

I wish you best of luck finding something that really suits you, instead of something that would cramp your wonderful style!

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

sorry it had to be you, but thanks immensely for the laughs this morning, I needed it. your perfection isn't to be questioned, what's up their ass? clueless.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbethany

Dear, dear Lizzie. It is amazing the reasons employers find to not hire women. Several years ago (but NOT in the Dark Ages, or the period during which dinosaurs roamed the earth) I applied for a job as a scientist for a national wood product company. I will not mention names because I don't want sued. I was very qualified for the job. I endured two full days of interviews. The last person with whom I met was the Boss of Them all. Without even looking at my resume, or asking me any pertinent, job-related questions, he kindly explained why I would not be hired: I had a uterus. The last science-type woman he hired worked for a few years, had a baby, then quit. Apparently, hiring an employee involved monetary investment by the corporation (which, as we know, is also a person). When a worker quits, it is like throwing away money. I was stunned into silence. The man who was telling me this was a cheeseburger and a PBR away from triple bypass surgery, or a fatal heart attack, depending on how much effort he exerted walking to the parking lot. Wouldn't that cause the Corporation to lose money on his hospitalization and/or demise? Also, apparently the Uterine Clause did not apply to secretaries, as these were all female. I regret I did not verbalize these thoughts. Also, I now realize I should have gone immediately to Human Resources and reported this - it's not like I had anything to lose at that point. Instead, I walked my physically fit, single, very-qualified-for-the-job self to my car and drove the several hours home. Later, the person who actually invited me to interview for the job called and left the formal notification of job rejection on my answering machine: "I'm sorry you didn't get the job. We went with the less-qualified man."

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLK

I wasn't hired and fired. I just wasn't hired. It is very common for companies to check out your online presence/activity and it's legal. I need to find a boss with a sense of humor!

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermrs.g.

TLK - I had a job interview shortly after my son was born. They asked me if I would be breast-feeding my son and how I would manage that if I took their job.

Mind you, this was in a very enlightened city, at an arts organization, and the senior person on the interview panel was a woman!

It was totally an illegal line of questioning, I was just too ignorant to know it at the time.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

My mother was once offered a job but she refused it after the interviewer said: Of course, we can't pay you as much as we would pay a man." I know those days are supposed to be gone (even though women still don't make as much as a man; companies just don't admit it.) but apparently they have plenty of other excuses. Good grief! These stories in the comments are just awful.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterknittergran

Does it have to be a job where you work for someone else? You are one of a kind Mrs. G and you have to be who you are or you'll be miserable. That is so obvious. My concern that going to work for someone else means you have to conduct yourself during off-hours according to come corporations's standards. I think you'd be better off working in your own business. Don't know if that's feasible or not, but I think the freedom to continue to live your life on your own terms would be the best part of self-employment. If you can find an employer with a sophisticated sense of humour, awesome. If not, there other options to maybe explore?

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLanna

I have had more than one interview end when I answered truthfully that the hole in the middle of my resume was an extended maternity leave. They couldn't legally admit that, but you could see it in their eyes. I'm lucky I live in an area with a lot of options, because I wouldn't want to work in a place where that was a problem. My current boss was recently bouncing happily around when he found out one of my teammates was expecting. He was so happy for her, you'd think it was his grandchild on the way :)

You are right, you need to find a boss with a sense of humor. They do exist!

Bourdain may be a challenge to morals, but he sure is good for morale!

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLisse

Well, fuck them and the horses they rode in on says this immoral hussy.

April 18, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

It just never ceases to amaze me...ah, screw that...it never ceases to piss me off that the most holier-than-thou sorts are the ones who seem the most truly amoral. And hallelujah (the Leonard Cohen one, not the Jesus one = HA) I'm old enough that I hope I don't have to worry about starting a new career any time soon that might require me to clean up my 'online presence.' If I can't bust out on a Fox-News-Idiot once or twice a week, my life isn't worth living.

You hang in there, Mrs. G. Our love doesn't pay the bills (although I keep telling you that it might help if you were to let us click through on the occasional ad), but it's yours and you deserve it!

April 20, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNacCrackHouse

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