Full Confessional Friday! 3/21/2014

Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister.  

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Just glad the confessional is back. Xoxo

March 20, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkate in mi

In a funk for no particular reason. This too shall pass...

March 20, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Just checking in. On spring break this week. No trip for me but did get to spend a couple awesome days with my sister. But now I have 3 days to get a paper done for nursing school. And I'm a wee bit stressed over it because I have next to no clue on what to write or how to write it. Even in high school 30-some years ago, I never did anything like this. And my one Eng Comp college class was a joke. I learned nothing. Most of the students were fresh out of high school and had already learned about paper formats and all that other nonsense. So hopefully tomorrow I can miraculously pull something out of my rear and get it done so I can enjoy the last 2 days of spring break.

March 20, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisawinks

Well, it's actually Thursday here, but I'm posting anyway. I'm realizing, accepting, that the mid-fifties mean many people die, the losses increase. Last year was hard, having twelve I love die over eight months. With this year, I've had several more. The latest are two; another neighbor, 56, who died like the first two last year in April. People, if you're feeling nauseated to the point of sweating - GO TO THE HOSPITAL. CALL an ambulance. Take a damn aspirin while dialing. Feel foolish if it was just bad beans and scream in the car going home, "I'm alive!".

Now, that other death. My first real boyfriend was ten years older than me. He was an amazing guitarist but couldn't play in public so he taught. Most of you probably don't remember Gato Babieri, or when he hit it big for a while in the late '60's into the 70's. No matter. When he was in the big time, he heard my beau at the shop (in town for a concert) and offered him a job on the spot. My beau turned him down. When he told me and said he didn't know if he was stupid or his standards were too high, I told him I didn't know either. He was a sweet man, incapable of monogamy, but with a huge heart. We met when I was fifteen and finally finished that phase when I was eighteen. Many memories, all good, like driving to Chattanooga instead of prom. (How could I take a 28 year old to prom? Sheesh.) He called me every five years or so. The last time was about ten years, when his third wife had left him. I knew this man. I asked what he'd done. He wailed on the phone that he'd done nothing, he didn't know, she had just left, taking their baby, little Naomi, with her. A long pause, then I asked, "When did you tell her where that name came from?" "Two weeks ago," he cried. They worked it out, moved to Australia, had another child. I lost touch. I found out he died in an accident eight years ago. I've been thinking about him hard, remembering, but I never forgot, he was always sweet. So I'm smiling, but it's hard to see. How fortunate we are in love, mostly.

I dreamed of another friend who died, and wrote his widow of over two months about it. He and I held each other, our heads together, while he told me that if he didn't look or talk directly to her, and she did the same, they could be together. It is the wind past the eye, a slight movement almost caught by ear. She understood. His local memorial will be in April. Louie will sing in public, for the first time in decades, covering the first song they wrote together. Here's a link to the one of the last songs Clark wrote, and Louie's video with it. Clark approved.

Seventeen years ago yesterday is the last day I walked with my own two feet, and life is good. Spring is here, tomatoes in the ground, basil, peppers. I'm growing. Peace, all.

March 20, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d

Naomi, that was really deeply moving. I wish I had more, or some way to comfort you; you seem awash in life and memories.

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkate in MI

Yay! Spring has sprung. Temps in the high 60's to low 70's for the next couple of days then....the potential for snow on Tuesday night. WTF????

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

Yay spring! There are fat little robins, all hopping around the yard, looking for food. I love seeing them.

I keep reminding myself, 'hills and valleys', and right now, I feel like I'm in my own personal valley. I love my husband, but I've come to the realization almost 20 years later that I shouldn't have married him. I settled. The man that I reallly loved I pushed away, and when I realized what I had done, it was too late. I don't know if I want to leave my husband or not, there is a child involved, so in the mean time, I will keep my mouth shut, and try to stop thinking about the one who got away.

Happy weekend, Derfs!

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnon today

My sister is in the hospital again for mental health issues. This is the 4th time in 2 or 3 years. This is it for her husband...he doesn't want to leave her, but he's having a hard time dealing with her issues.

A little background. My sister has anxiety, depression, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts. She basically cannot deal with anything. Calling to make appointment and advocate on her own behalf are like pulling teeth, but because she is an adult she's the only one who can really do these things.

This winter has been really bad for her trying to keep appointments with her psychiatrist due to the weather and finances (she is on disability and her husband is laid off), so when she tries to reschedule she has to wait a month to get back in. This happened 3x's this season with the latest being in February. Her rescheduled appointment was supposed to be yesterday. Then her Xanax prescription runs out; she calls for a refill when she is down to the very end and really needs it but is supposed to give them 3 days notice, which causes more anxiety; it's a vicious circle.

She hasn't been to therapy since at least October 2013 due to finances, and she really needs it. Therapy helps her see what she should be focusing on and helps give her someone else who can objectively tell her the things that we all tell her already. She is worth it, people do love her, she needs to not obsess on things she cannot control, etc.

The hospital insists that she is Bipolar 2, though she has always believed that she has anxiety and depression because of PTSD. So they've changed her meds to a mood stabilizer and something else for anxiety.

I went and saw her Wednesday night, and she seemed to be doing well. But she always seems to do well in an environment where she has to work at it. I told her that this is like addiction for order to get better she has to "work the program." Do what needs to be done. She's always taken her meds, it's just that the money runs out so she cannot get to therapy and pay for the meds.

The plan currently is that she will be released on Friday afternoon and go to the one week alternative program to monitor her blood level for the meds. So, I have a little more time to get my head wrapped around how to help her after next week. They have rescheduled her Psychiatrist appointment to April 8.

Thankfully I have a friend at work who's mom is a therapist. I have been in contact with her to see what her thoughts are on the path she is currently on. She's said that she will help to and find after care if my sister decides not to stick with her current providers.

After losing my brother last year I am so scared to lose my sister too...

Naomi d that was very moving. I had a not-exactly-similar experience recently. I googled an old boyfriend, who, like yours, was too old for me when I was too young, and who was incapable of monogamy. I had googled him before, but never got a hit, but this time I found his obituary. He had died in a hospice in a small town in the South.

And it was sad, because that was the only hit on his name. I realized that, had he not died, his life left no trace on the internet.

The only photo posted with his obituary was one from the time that I knew him, which was some forty years ago.

How could this man have left no trace? So sad.

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

Our long septic tank nightmare continues. Thankfully, no more functional problems, but each time Felipe digs down he discovers another mystery. This has been $8000 and counting.

We are lucky that we have the money. We had a stash tucked away that we had planned to tap to pay down some bills & my son's student loans. So we are tapping that. We think we still will have enough to pay down some bills, but we're waiting for the final septic tank bill to come in.

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

worst week ever.

So many solemn posts this week. I also recently found out "the end of the story" of a boy who really affected me in high school. We were not romantically involved, but he confided some feelings and experiences that were much, much rougher than my own life. After graduation in the pre-internet days we lost touch, but I have always wondered what happened to him and dearly hoped he was able to rise above his family of origin and have the life he deserved. I'd googled occasionally and found nothing. About a month ago, a relative of his posted his obituary on our high school Facebook page. He'd only lived four years after high school, and died in a motorcycle accident. I'm deeply grieved that his life was so short, and so much harder than it should have been.

And for my personal confession: what is with these crazy moms with daughters in my DD's Girl Scout troop? Why is it so hard for them to reply to troop emails and voice opinions? They seem to assume that not answering means "no", but that is not clear to everyone, and there is SO much confusion. It is driving me crazy because it is so pointless!!!! Just respond to the email about whether you can attend the event or not! I am not running this thing, but the leader is not handling it well and there's never a direct, group conversation about anything. Most of these women work, and I can't imagine that they handle email like this in their professional lives. WTH?

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercariba

Claudia: I'm so sorry. SO sorry. hugs from the great state of Michigan.

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkate in MI

Oh, Claudia, I'm so sorry. Hugs if it helps.

March 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

Our spring break sucked donkey balls. Already too broke to do anything, ANYTHING. Recovering from stomach flu I had to drive to Dallas on Friday to deliver my daughter to the airport since my ex couldn't find an unaccompanied minor flight out of Tulsa. Kid was still having stomach pains, but I knew I had to put her on the plane. We dosed up with pepto bismal and made it happen. Had to spend the whole day on the road again yesterday to pick her up. Never again. He can fly here to escort her on her flight for all I care.

Here at home the husband and the boy moped because "we are poor". We are on the very low end income wise in an affluent area. EVERYBODY goes somewhere on Spring break. Everyone but us. Then, AC goes out, 11,000.00 later we have a new two zone system of AC and furnaces. Maxed out the home equity loan. No more credit for anything.
Husband tried to be helpful. Broke fucking everything. His guitar, a door hinge, the vacuum filter (tried to wash it, with water), car radio, cable, light bulb broke off in socket, washing machine knob, it goes on. Stop touching stuff. Please.

My two year recert for USPAP (appraisal stuff) had to happen over the break as well, two days of video online learning with a group. I have never been so amazed at the incompetence of successful people. The only silver lining to this experience; If they are successful at this, I am going to fucking own this profession.

So I worked the whole break (but none of it will pay), when I wasn't driving or wasting time or fixing shit for someone else. Glad to be back to a routine, maybe I can make some sort of headway.

March 24, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermolly

Also, i love you guys. Big virtual hugs to you all.
Naomi, powerful stuff.
Jessie-different, I truly hope you maintain your strength, that is tough stuff.

March 24, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermolly

Menopause is exhausting.

March 26, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

Great big comfy Grandma hugs to every one of Y'all. And the ONE thing I know how to help with:

Molly: Turn off the light/switch/unplug the cord. Be sure there's no power to the bulb. Cut a potato in half and press it onto the broken end, then gently unscrew it.

A small thing. A minuscule thing in all the worries, but useful, nevertheless.


March 27, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterrachel d

Last week a friend of ours lost their beautiful daughter. She left behind two daughters and a husband. She took her own life, on a country road, alone, with a gun. I have known this woman since she was 5, she grew up with my eldest son, she was his first crush. It was and is so sad. I had no words for our friends. We went to the funeral and it was full of people, hundreds of people. And I thought anyone here would have helped her if we'd known her pain. Anyone here would have done whatever it took to avoid sitting here now. We would have been there for her, wouldn't we? We all loved her and her family, wouldn't we have helped her? How could she not know? How could she think that act on that lonely road was the only way out of her pain?
My confession...I was once that woman, with two beautiful children and a husband that loved me. And yet, I attempted to take my life. What saved me on that day was the realization that my children would come home from school and find me. I called a friend that day and then the mental health clinic and spent two years in therapy and got healthy.
But during that time and since that time I have always felt no one would really have cared if I had died that day. Until last week. Last week at that funeral, I realized the legacy I would have left for my family, my friends and my children . My pain would have been over, but theirs? Theirs would have begun and continued until the day they died.
So dear Derfs, if you ever contemplate suicide, remember there are hundreds of people to help you, friends, family and even strangers. Do the difficult thing...reach out. And if you know someone in deep depression. .. Reach out to help them. Reach out and direct them before you are sitting at the funeral thinking 'didn't they know how we cared? I wish they had known '.
Thanks for letting me post here. I am Annon Today.

March 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnnon Today

I wasn't admitted to the teacher-ed program I had my heart set on. I've been publicly casual and stoic, but I need a really good cry. A week later I finally started looking into alternatives and it looks like I'm going to have to get a second bachelor's degree first, then my MA/license if I want to teach in this concentration.

On top of that it's spring break and we're doing some sort of road trip, but DH and I haven't even talked about plans, so we have absolutely NOTHING firm. We're just going to throw gear (tents, snow gear, hiking boots) in the car tomorrow morning and take off. I'm trying to go with the flow, but in reality I'm a stress ball. *sigh*

Hugs to all of you who are missing folks. My college boyfriend disappeared from social media two years ago (not long after a glancing reconnect) and I'm pretty sure he's dead, but I can't exactly contact his family and ask what's going on. A little knowledge is dangerous stuff.

Fuck a duck. Gotta go deal with all the fresh, delicious food in the fridge that will otherwise rot before we get back. You guys have a fantastic week. May the daffodils bring spring sun to your lives.

March 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterilyanna

I went to a memorial service today for a woman who battled cancer for probably 20 years, but then succumbed. She died in December, but her family gave her service today because it's her birthday. She was a single mother of two boys who are now very successful young men. She had a strong family and lots of friends who loved her.

I didn't know her well - I was a very good friend of one of her sisters. But I loved being in the crowd of people celebrating her life. She was two years younger than I am, and that gave me pause - but I also though very hard about the fact that she had a hall full of people who loved her enough to come out and celebrate her life.

Bless you, and keep you, Glenda Jacobs. You lived a full and rich life, and left a mark on the world.

March 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

Aunt Snow, the loss of the good ones are always hardest. Of course. Better that the cries are loud, the tears more like rushing Spring rain water, than the sad head shaking when someone dies who affected few, especially him or herself.

Anon Today, you too. A good pain for a large loss. Through my experiences, I've come to regard suicide as one way that people die, similar to an accident or cancer. I don't know how much of a choice it truly is. I lost a close, good friend when I was 29, on his second, successful attempt. A few months after his initial attempt, a child we had both babysat shot himself when he graduated from high school, a place that had felt safe. My friend saw the pain and confusion caused by this talented child's death, and said how glad he was he hadn't succeeded. He got help, he fell in love (with another close friend), he had patrons come forward who wanted to support him while he made art, for them and just in general. He left their home in Paris, saying he had a few things he needed to finish here in the States. I was angry for years. I confronted him in dreams and he would pop out when I pressed too hard, coming back through another door, until I woke up. I wish suicide never happened. I am impressed that you made the haul back and find joy now, tied yourself to this world, feel the love between you and your family and friends. Don't beat yourself up; I hope your friend's family and other friends can move past the guilt and anger too. At the funeral for that child, six Catholic priests officiated. The child was buried in consecrated ground - very important to his mother - because, as the priest giving the homily said, mental illness is a disease, like cancer, and often not caught in time.

There I go again, babbling away. It poured rain yesterday; I woke to a beautiful day but the clouds are back so i can easily go to the studio. Best to all - Super Sunday tomorrow, finally! The Mardi Gras Indians will be strutting in their fine suits.

March 29, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d

love to you all, so much heartache in this list. dealing here with an inlaw trying to drink himself to death. almost succeeded on the weekend, my hub and his wife (they are separated) tried to intervene and he refused all help. disease, yes, but so damn selfish and messily destructive. is there any way to help? it's heartbreaking. i can listen, i can pray, i can watch, i can try to help normalize the son's life (he's 11), though he knows his dad might die soon. it sucks.

April 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbethany

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