The Spanish Class

To assist in fulfilling their dream of retiring to Mexico, Mr. and Mrs. G. signed up for a Spanish class at a local college. If their dream doesn't come to pass, they will at least have expanded their horizons and maybe regenerated some of the brain cells they wiped out in the late eighties, or divorced, depending on which way the viento blows.

Their class started Monday night and while Mrs. G. has tried to broadcast nothing but love and esteem for Mr. G. on this blog, she is going to tell you something true: he believes he is a deft virtuoso on all several subjects. No experience necessary. None. Mrs. G. isn't calling her True Love a know-it-all but rather highlighting his confidence, his innate self-proclaimed gift of knowledge regarding everything in the world.

Problems On The First Night Of Class

1) Mr. and Mrs. G. are ninety minutes early. Mrs. G. isn't pointing any fingers at who has a compulsive need to be early early but it's not her. 

2) Mr. and Mrs. G. have to stop by the bookstore to buy Mr. G. a copy of Tu Mundo (Mrs. G. bought her copy on Ebay for sixty bucks) and the line at the bookstore is long. Mrs. G. isn't pointing any fingers at who is dramatically averse to lines of any length but it's not her. Mr. G. makes a minimum of six audible, "expressive" complaints about the quality and efficiency of the bookstore. He claims they were in line for ninety minutes but it was more like twenty-five.

3) They are charging $125 for the paperback, 1/2 inch thick book. "Pfffffffffuck that," mutters Mr. G. as he walks out of the bookstore.

4) Mr. and Mrs. G. will now have to share a book.

5) While they are having coffee waiting for class to begin, Mr. G. shares his belief that Italian (of which he speaks  piccolo poco) and Spanish are basically the same language. Mrs. G. says she is paying $160 for ten weeks to learn Spanish. Mr. G. continues to speak Italish until it is time to head to class.

6) Mr. G. believes he is capable of teaching any subject without regard for what the professor actually says is so. Mr. G. once said, "You don't really need to know math to learn physics." Study sessions at home are going to present some problems.

7) Mr. G's joking repetition of "Me llamo Nick. Me llamo Nick. Me llamo Nick" while waiting for the professor to show up wears thin. The smartly dressed woman with the beautiful black patent leather handbag sitting in front of them gives him a subtle side eye.

It is at this point Mrs. G. fears Mr. G. may get up and attempt to teach the class. It is also at this point Mrs. G. considers no longer sitting beside him.

8) Dear Lord, please don't let him raise his hand and complain about the rip-off price of the textbook.

9) He raises his hand and complains about the rip-off price of the textbook.

10) His frequent whispers of what the professor should actually be teaching are everyone.

11) The smartly dressed woman with the beautiful black patent leather purse moves four seats to her right during the class break.

Mrs. G. kids but only pico. She is far from perfecto but she does not entertain the notion that she can teach a workshop on String Theory simply because she owns a ball of string. But two decades in, what are you gonna do?

In the meantime, pray for Mr. and Mrs. G. Pray for the Spanish language. Pray for Mexico.

e speriamo che vissero felici e contenti 

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Reader Comments (24)

Oh my Lord, that made me howl. Mr. G. and my husband share the same brand of innate knowledge. My husband's favorite line, whether we're talking about repairing a dishwasher, DIY pest control, or cutting hair is, "How hard can it be?"

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersusan

Hard enough that PEOPLE GO TO SCHOOL (or thereabouts) TO LEARN IT!!!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersusan

Muy bien Sra. G. Que divertido. Buena suerte con la clase y la esposa.

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

Very funny, Mrs. G! Brought back memories, too. I met my husband in college and as part of our bond, we took a class in each other's "domain": I took the most boring anthro class to be with him, and he took an English lit class with me, where he would fall asleep in class 90% of the time...a class with maybe 10 students. ... Reader, I married him anyway.

Then, 6 years later, we went to Italy together, and had a good fight after a jet-lagged trip, where he just could understand how I, a Spanish major, couldn't communicate with the Italian taxi driver. Oy vey.

Keep smiling, Mrs. G!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSylvia

... and that should be "couldn't" of course!!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSylvia

Mr. G. want me to make it clear that he did not raise his hand to complain. He was, instead, just naturally flowing in a group discussion. I stand by the rest! Mexico here we come!

January 8, 2014 | Registered CommenterMrs. G.

Oh, this is hilarious!! I hope you keep your sanity, Mrs. G!!

I signed up for a Spanish class this summer, and went to the first session, but dropped out because my job situation was in flux. But I fear that I may be more like Nick than like you - I kept my mouth shut but my BRAIN was saying all those things, the same as it did when I was taking my French class earlier.

I would be terrified to take the same class as my husband.

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

And I do love that purse. Can you ask her where she got it?

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

I am a sad person. I am surrounded by Spanish speaking people. We wave at each other, say, "Hello!" "Eyo!" "Gu mowrning" "Good morning" and shake our heads up and down as we speak at each other until we can politely say, "Okay, good seeing you." "Okay, goo see." My one neighbor who does speak English says it is good I don't speak it, her relatives will learn. I'm thinking if her brother and sister-in-law wanted to learn, they would have earlier in their 35+ years in this city. Good luck; I'm impressed you just made it through the first class.

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternaomi d

¡Suerte, Señora G!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersw

Best laugh I've had in a long time! Love it, Heather!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteraphrodite

deseándoles felicidad en divorcio

If it comes to this .. . looking like a 50/50 proposition.

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMinnesota Matron

When you mentioned that the woman with the great purse moved I damn near died laughing. I still remember going to a movie with my then boyfriend and having him take it apart scene by scene. The movie was Backdraft and the couple in front of us got up and moved when he wouldn't shut up. He swears they moved because I was constantly shushing him but trust me, he was horrible. And yet I still married him. We just don't go to the movies any more. I could never take a class with him.

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJean

*snort* Sounds like my BIL who is quite knowledgeable about mechanical things and engineering kinds of stuff, but not ALL things even if he believes that to be true. lol

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermamaraby

I had no idea we were married to the same man... People move away from us in all manner of places.

It doesn't help that my husband did actually teach a law class for 3 years so, of course, he is the expert on teaching. Even when we took dance classes he acted like he could teach it - and I say this with all due love and affection - he was terrible at swing dancing and it had nothing to do with the instruction!

Good luck!!

January 8, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBrightsideSusan

Frankly, I understand this all too well: ALL of us men are equipped with you-know-what below the belt which COMES WITH a large dollop of KNOWITALL. The male philosophy of life, whether searching for a place without a map or installing an ikea chest of drawers without looking at the directions: HUM A FEW BARS AND FAKE IT :)

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered Commentergary Rith

Mrs. G did you forget about those trips to IKEA? Just saying...
Gary, how true, how true. My DH would drill his own teeth if he could figure out how. I call all this know it all stuff "listening to Mr. Dick."

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAlbug

Mrs G. , when are you going to write a book, I'll be first in line to buy it. You are incredibly funny!

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRosemary

Senora, tu esposo es muy loco, para tu es bonita y simpatica y muy FUNNY (I don't know the Spanish word for funny). Gracias por el posto. (I made that last one up)

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

I took three years of French in high school. Here is all the Spanish you need to know-

"Uno mas cerveza, por favor" "Another beer, please"
"Donde es los banos?" "Where is the bathroom?" (ALWAYS helpful in Mexico)
"I can't drive cinco-cinquento" (Sorry, I got a little help from Sammy Hagar on that one)

Good luck, Mrs and Mr G

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

My knowledge of Spanish comes from living in El Paso and carefully reading the parent info papers brought home from school that were written in both languages. Despite that, I still had to mostly communicate with Juanita in mime.
French helped mi esposo (??) get us along in Italy for a few days. We lived in Germany for 3 years und mein Mann insisted that all he ever needed to know was how to order "ein Bier, bitte" and the daily special (which I'm too tired to remember how to spell).
And that's why we live in Spokane.

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren (formerly kcinnova)

LOL!! I hope you make it to Mexico! I have to agree with Mr. G that textbook prices are a SCAM.

January 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPatience

Muy divertido!

January 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSmalltown Me

It is my dream to one day go to the Don Quixote language school in Guanajuato--I'm hoping immersion will be able to do what 3 years of high school Spanish and 2 years of college Spanish did not accomplish--make me fluent.

January 12, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

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