Heeeeere's Johnny!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012 at 9:26PM Mrs. G. When Mrs. G. realized she had overshot Atlanta by five hours, she had a brief nervous collapse and then managed to get a grip. She stopped for a coffee (thanks for all the Starbucks gift cards, derfs!) and convinced herself she could soldier on. She's really glad she did, even though Mrs. G. was five hours late for her own party, Anne, Martha and Elizabeth stuck around, and when Mrs. G. finally came in the door, the party began. They sat around eating and drinking and talking and laughing and laughing and laughing. Finally, Anne said she was fading, so Mrs. G. went outside to bring her luggage in. When she drug it into the dark bedroom where she was staying, she saw the enormous, ominous outline of something and she gasped.
Mrs. G. flipped on the lights and screamed with panic and, finally, pleasure. Then she dropped to her knees and started howling with laughter. The ladies behind her were giggling and looked pretty pleased with themselves. Mrs. G. had been punk'd...in a most excellent way. Who doesn't want to be punk'd with the punk assingest, punk ass on the planet, JD?
Thank you, Martha, for finding Johnny Gigantica on the internet and bringing him. Thank you, Anne, for sacrificing your gorgeous bedroom to Mrs. G. and her cardboard hallucination fantasy husband. Thank you, Elizabeth, for being a good sport and rolling with the crazy.
These are such lovely women. After at least ten minutes of hysterical laughter all around, Mrs. G. and the gang just stood around flat Johnny Giganitica and said things like:
Wow
He's really big
Can I kiss him
We better not hear any cardboard rustling in the night.
In other words, these sluts were funny. Mrs. G. loved hanging out with them.
And as if Johnny Gigantica wasn't enough, Mrs. G. turned around to put her earrings on the dresser and discovered...
these "family" photos. Pay particular attention the the one on the far left. That's Martha in the mirror cracking up.
It's a wedding photo of, yeah, you guessed it. If this is your first time stopping by this blog, yes, as a matter of fact, derfs are an eccentric, offbeat (but highly loveable) bunch. What of it?
Big Johnny was beside the bed and little Johnny was on the bed. Mrs. G. left little Johnny behind because she didn't want Anne to be in that big bed all alone. Arrgh, Matey.
Mrs. G. reluctantly folded flat Johnny Gigantica up and said her goodbyes. Thanks for one of the best evenings a girl could ask for. Mrs. G's stomach muscles were sore from hugging cardboard laughing so much with you all. Mwah!
Mrs. G. climbed in her car and headed over to...
Janyce's house. This is Janyce showing off her knitting groups "yarn bombing" of the city of Roswell, GA. See the little, pink mouse running up the pipe? They are all around the area, these sweet, colorful mice.
Janyce has a beautiful home and a handsome husband named Campbell. He was all about good hospitality and good coffee.
One of the many highlights of this trip was dinner out with Janyce and Mrs. G's beloved friend, Faye. Faye is the co-founder of the Women's Colony fantasy, and Mrs. G. hadn't seen her in fifteen years. You know that friend who knows your whole history and you don't see very often but when you get on the phone with her, it's like you saw each other yesterday?
Faye is that friend. She's a soul sister.
Janyce graciously listened to all their back in the day stories and it was a trueblue, marvelous evening. When Mrs. G. kissed Faye goodbye, she couldn't help noticing Faye smelled like home.
This is Janyce's wily cat, Baxter. Mrs. G. let her poor, innocent feet hang off the edge of her bed, and Baxter ambushed her left foot and sank his teeth into her big toe. She yanked her feet back on the bed and Baxter hid behind objects in the room, basically terrorizing Mrs. G. in a let's play the I bite and you bleed game kind of way. Mrs. G. began emailing and facebooking Janyce, who was across the house, to come save her, but Baxter, bored with the middle aged woman using her bra as a toe tourniquet, finally left. Mrs. G. locked his furry ass out.
Mrs. G. woke up later to use the bathroom and saw this on the bed across from her's. Her knees buckled. She thought Baxter had gained 30 pounds, unlocked the bedroom door and was lying in wait to finish what he started, gnaw off a couple of her toes. It was just a stuffed animal, thank dog.
Janyce really has a cool house. This was in Mrs. G's bedroom. True, right?
Cute, right?
This is Janyce standing by the door about to say goodbye to Mrs. G. Isn't this a great shot of Janyce, Kitty Gigantica and Bastard, Mrs. G. means, Baxter. Kidding, Mrs. G. doesn't hold grudges, especially against cats, like they really give a shit.
Mrs. G. left Atlanta with six new friends. Life is good. It really is.
I Am A Derfwad/Summer 2012
Reader Comments (25)
I commented on your Facebook posts about Baxter the Hun but seriously, I giggled uncontrollably for at least twenty minutes reading that post. The photo and the verbiage...I felt so bad for you (because I've been in that "I can't wake up the whole house for this!" stress mode) but it was beyond hilarious.
So so good.
I am so happy this trip is going well for you and am sorry to have missed out on the little piece I had hoped to make it to. (That's a horrible sentence, isn't it?)
Yay, you met knittergran and Baxter!!!
Slow internet connection in Lausanne means I can't access the photos. ;-(
Sadly, NO, cats DON't give a sh!t...but Johnny does :)
I have seen the toe and am so happy to know you live to tell about it!
And, since Johnny is in the house- I have lived to see the big Johnny too!
But- those pictures on the dresser are just priceless- those girls want to be more family.
On another note I am going to miss you like crazy!
Keep trucking!
What a hoot! It's early here, so I looked at that dog on the bed and thought, "Ooohh, what a cute black lab puppy! But what's that on his butt?" Umm, never mind...
I'm dying to see a picture of flat Johnny Gigantica in the back seat of your car. Does he wear his seat belt, or is he far too daring for that? I'm thinking with Betty-the-GPS-Bitch in charge of directions, he might want to consider [swash]buckling up. Just a suggestion.
Sounds like Atlanta was a fantastic stop. The giant Johnny was a real treat. Those gals are sharp. Looking forward to seeing you soon.
That picture of Baxter stalking you? Best picture of the trip so far. Or at least the one that made me laugh the hardest.
So glad you had a good Atlanta trip. So bummed I missed it.
I promise Mrs. G and anyone who might come to my house in the future---Baxter has NEVER done that before. I don't know what he was thinking (do cats think?). Mrs. G.: send me the bills if the wound gets yucky or anything other than completely healed.
And to all of those people hosting Mrs. G. in the future, she is just as lovely, smart, creative and FUN as you think she will be! Loved having her here, and sort of selfishly, it was nice that there were only three of us at dinner. And I apologize for my selfishness......
OMG what a great pic!!
Oh Lord - Baxter must be related to The Squeaks (the extremely beautiful, totally entitled cat who allows us to live here and feed her). She also loves the Ambush game - except when I'm faster than she is and she collects a mighty swat on the behind. Then she goes off to hide and sulk while I go find the bandaids.
Hope it's healing by now!
A howling good time! Atlanta did NOT disappoint!
I know that getting lost was a bitch, but look how much getting found turned out to be!
Damn girl, I hope you aren't expecting me to redecorate the guest room in a Pirates of the Caribbean theme. Consider yourself lucky that I have a vacuum and that I'm planning to use it before you arrive.
My cat played that pouncing game with the oldest son (never with the rest of us, but apparently his toes were tasty) -- and forever after, the new game was all about sneaking into his room at bedtime to freak him out. Cats are hilarious. (Peroxide, peroxide, peroxide -- or else start singing "Cat Scratch Fever") The pic with knittergran, Kitty Gigantica and Baxter is awesome; Baxter looks like he has plans with Kitty.
So much good in this post: pictures on the dresser! pictures with Faye! yarn bombing! Johnny! ... and yes, fellow derfs.♥
Jen, you threaten to only use the vacuum but I have no doubt that the VA gathering will be incredible.
the pictures on the dresser-----awesomeness! how clever. How high is that bar now???
Wow, Atlanta Derfs ... you know how to do it up right! The wedding picture -- priceless!
One of the best lines you've ever written -- "When Mrs. G. kissed Faye goodbye, she couldn't help noticing Faye smelled like home."
When I first read about 'The Women's Colony," and got to the part about the rocking chairs, I was immediately taken back to when I was a young mother and had a dear, dear friend -- we used to talk about sitting on the porch in rocking chairs at the retirement home together. You and Faye were lucky to find each other at that time in your lives.
Um, Spokane...I'm only imagining what you have to be planning...the bar is set so very, very, high. Perhaps Boston should consider trying to limbo under instead of flying over?!? meak
I am SO enjoying following the Derf-y adventures! What a wonderful colony this is!
I've been walking around with a smile on my face ever since Sunday! I'm going to leave those pictures on my dresser and see how long it takes my kids to notice ...
Loved every minute of the visit ...
Mrs. G.,
I am so happy that this trip is going so well. You totally had me giggling with the image of the bastard, I mean Baxter... There is something about this trip that is so speaking to me. I love the humanity of it. We all can use a bit more humanity in our lives. Thanks for showing us all that it can be done.
Sara
Until I saw Baxter I didn't connect that you were with Knittergran! What a great time you were having until Baxter decided to live up to his reputation. Ouch!
must.have.that.ashtray.