One of Two Cuckoo Bird Things That Have Happened Along the Way
Tuesday, June 26, 2012 at 7:00PM Mrs. G. 
A young girl with her cat sitting in a baby buggy at the Civic Centre.
Mrs. G. spent today holed up in a cheap hotel, where she napped, soaked in the tub, napped, wrote, grabbed dinner and is now preparing for for an early bedtime. Every four or five days, her mouth needs to rest; she needs a down day. One of the many advantages of a down day is that she can move at her own speed and blog without pants the way God intended.
Tomorrow, Mrs. G. will tell you about the 9-1-1 call she made last week because she was convinced a yellow plane was targeting individual cars on the freeway and her's was next.
Tonight, she will describe her experience at a rest stop in Nebraska. It had been a long day, and when Mrs. G. pulled into the rest stop, she got out and stretched her body. While stretching and audibly groaning with pleasure, she noticed a woman walking a cat on a leash. Now if walking a cat on a leash isn't a conversation starter, Mrs. G. doesn't know what is. The cat was black with white socks and her name was, conveniently, Socks. Socks seemed to be enjoying the walk. She didn't look like a meatloaf being dragged around by its owner like many of the cats Mrs. G. has seen "walking" on a leash.
As Mrs. G. and Sock's owner were discussing Socks, the leash and their individual travel routes, Sock's owner asked her how she liked the drive so far. "I am really enjoying this drive through Oklahoma. It's stark but lovely," said Mrs. G. Sock's owner reached out and touched Mrs. G's arm, kindly but with intention, the intention of auditing just how many bats Mrs. G. had in her belfry, and said, "Honey, you're driving through Nebraska, not Oklahoma."
"Oh, right, I knew that. I just have a lot of stops and my brain is slightly fried from road fatigue," Mrs. G. laughed. "I'm heading across the U.S. to meet up with a lot of my friends from the internet. We call each other Derfwads."
Sock's owner suddenly said her goodbyes and fake casually walked off. It was obvious that she thought Mrs. G. might be bonkers or a serial killer or the most godawful rest stop combination ever: a bonkers serial killer.
Mrs. G. was a little sad and disillusioned. After being in the car for hours, she was enjoying a little human interaction. Plus, she was a little miffed. Yes, she had misidentified the state she was driving through but, let's be real, this woman was at a rest stop walking a cat on a leash. She didn't really have a leg to stand on in the I'm less out to lunch than you department.
Mrs. G. waved to Sock's owner when she drove away, determined to repair the initial connection that had inspired their orginal conversation. Sock's owner didn't wave back. Her loss. Even now, days later, Mrs. G. struggles not to call her a judgmental harpy because maybe she was just a scaredy cat walking a scaredy cat...or your average, run of the mill ass. It's really had to say.
Almost as hard as being rejected at a rest stop.
I Am A Derfwad/Summer 2012, Nebraska
Reader Comments (35)
Am giggling so hard at how you explained yourself. And rejected at a rest stop, to boot. Damn, Mrs. G. You should've pulled out the portrait of the cat!
Oh, yes pull out the picture of the cat...then maybe she'd have called a cult buster for an intervention. Ha!
...perhaps kindred spirits aren't found in rest stops?
I know how you feel though. I spent a camp long weekend, 2 weeks ago, sharing a room with a woman who obviously did not share my sense of humour.
Perfectly nice woman...just conservative...predictable...and a little narrow in her view of the world.
Once I realised that it was easier to relate to her...just no fun!
"She didn't really have a leg to stand on in the I'm less out to lunch than you department."
These turns of phrases are so brilliantly you, Mrs. G. Love it!!
Cats on leashes. That is a a topic almost as polarizing as politics.
If you're not a Derf, you just don't get it.
I don't get "cat on a leash". Mine can claw her way out of a cat carrier. I'm sure she would make a swift getaway at a rest stop.
My son David liked to stand at the front door when he was 2 or so and watch the people go by our townhouse. Ever the observant scientist, even at that young age, he commented (more to himself than to me), "Dogs have strings. Cats don't."
"...a meatloaf dragged around by it's owner..." HAAA!
Perhaps Socks' mother also has a morbid fear of rest-stop serial killers? Not that a groaning woman with lots of internet friends who doesn't know what state she's in could POSSIBLY be a rest-stop serial killer.
You are wonderful! Thanks for all the posts (and today's best smile).
If only you had said "damn it I must have missed a turn yesrterday. " and OK and NE....both all kinds of flat and sandy, easy to be confused. Clearly this woman didn't get you. It's good that the rest of us do.
Who travels with a cat? let alone walks one? I thought people with cats had them to they could be left home alone.
And that plane, guessing he was spraying something? And the 911 operator not only knew him, but was related to him and maybe whose farm he was spraying? Welcome to the midwest. It's one big small town.
Mrs. G, perhaps it was the cat walking the sanctimonious traveler?? She wasn't rejecting you, she was ashamed that her little secret had been found out.
I tried the 'cat on a leash thing' with Chloe. First cat, brought her home from the Humane Society when she was just a kittie.
I lived in a HUGE apartment complex and there was this charming elderly gentleman who lived two buildings down. Early mornings he would walk with his cat. She wasn't leashed and it AMAZED me that she would stay so close to him and never try to flit away. He explained that he started walking her on a leash when she was just a kittie. She gradually started to walk without a leash.
The day after I adopted Chloe I went to the pet store and loaded up on all the typical 'cat' things. Fake mice, jingly bells, stringy things to chase, nip...then I passed the leashes and saw they had harnesses made just for cats. So, I thought, I'm game. Chloe's body was just about big enough to fit in the palm of my hand, and her tail went up to my elbow. I bought the 'medium kitten' size. And it went downhill from there. I lay her gently on the dining room table and put the little pink harness around her fluffy calico kittie body, fastened it snugly (NOT tightly), looked her in her cute little kittie face - AND SAW SHE WAS BEING CHOKED TO DEATH. Little pink tongue hanging out of her mouth sideways, little green eyes rolling back in her little kittie head.
Threw the damned-cat-leash directly in the trash.
That was about 16 years ago. About a month ago she went to the Rainbow Bridge after about two years of slow decline with a thyroid condition. But she never had to walk on a damned-cat-leash. And she never had to gouge my eyes out in my sleep for making her walk on a damned-cat-leash.
She realized she could never reach your level of scintillating, vivacious living, and thus, could not even bring herself to wave, dejectedly, good-bye. Her poor cat, forced to humour her, trying its best to give her life meaning - you should have grabbed that self-sacrificing cat and given it a real life. No, perhaps it is best that it continues on its path to cat sainthood (or hell - damn, I don't know how cats would judge such behavior). Just warning you, my cat is not docile (nor mean, really, either, just not docile; a tiny giant). that naomi in NOLA
I'm sorry, but anyone walking a cat is just ASKING to be harangued by crazy women at rest stops. If only you'd had the "My Fantasy Friends Say" post-its! You could have stuck one to her car, because your Fantasy Friends Say you're pretty awesome.
I haven't laughed (or snorted) that hard in a while. I read it aloud to my mancake and it took me about 15 minutes to read it because I couldn't read a whole paragraph without breaking down in convulsive laughter. How I have missed your voice! =)
..... Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plaaaaaaaains!
You realize that you missed out here on the opportunity to use that classic line from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons: " I *knew* I should have taken that left at Albakoykey!" (phonetic spelling to indicate Bugs' accent, btw)
As far as the catleashlady goes...her loss. I would have asked you all about it and we'd probably still be standing there talking!
I wish you'd told her that we call each other sluts and whores. I would've loved to hear her reaction to that!
Oh,my that was great. You need a leash for the cat portrait. Pull that sucker out and see how fast the judgmental harridans run the other way. Ha!
My father once said, in describing a cross country tour he and my mother had taken, "Kansas is repetitive". I believe you can apply that to each state in the tableland. I know. I used to make the trek from Dallas to St. Jo, Missouri on a regular basis to drop the kid at her grandparent's house. You could see for miles and miles.
Add two to your list, mrs G: bridges crossed ____ coffees consumed _____ serial killers encountered _____ Mrs G is MIStaken for a serial killer _____ cats on leashes _____
Reading this just made getting up at 5:15 not so terrible. Thanks.
Hehehe, I'm gonna stick with judgmental harpy on this one. Maybe you could rig up a little skateboard wagon of sorts for Kitty Gigantica, then pull it along behind you whenever you stop for a potty/stretching/groaning/M&Ms break.
I was thinking this morning, did you ever read the Roald Dahl short story titled "The Landlady"? People who walk their cats on leashes always remind me of the landlady! It's probably a good thing she didn't stick around, otherwise you would have found yourself stuffed into her trunk.
D, the idea of walking the painting on a leash made me cackle.
You people get me because you're as weird as I am. Maybe that's the connection here!
I definitely think you should put Kitty Gigantica in the driver's seat when you are out of the car at rest stops. Possibly fastened in with the seat belt. You could see how many people are trying to politely gawk without getting caught!
Her loss, honey. You could have cased the joint for serial killers together.
P.S. Good idea to build in Down Days, Mrs. G. I love socializing, but eventually a break is in order. I think those of us who are 110% Out There when we're with other people need to retreat and recharge after an intense part-ay. Besides, given how funny this gang is, I'll bet your jaw muscles ache from laughing!
Rest stops are the portable DMVs of the universe.With pecan logs.
Quite frankly, I think the MEATLOAF was walking THE CAT! Her loss, how much you want to bet she looked you up though?!!!
Happy Trails whatever state you are or are not in! See ya soon!
anyone with a cat on a leash should be suspect as a little off.... then again if I have insulting anyone please don't hold this against me.
I find it funny how we can connect with drag Queens and not with folks at a rest stop---- chalk it up to the masses - there are more of them than us.
We now eat free born chicken eggs but walk our cats.....let me know right away if you run into anyone walking a chicken on a leash- if you do- I want a picture!
I've driven through Nebraska before and pretending like you're in a different state entirely is not a bad idea.
All of your responses are making me laugh as hard as mrs.g's original post!
If my DH walks in right now, he will feel the need to have me committed!! Not only do I drive to meet some "hopefully not serial killer" women whom I've never met, but now I'm sitting here with tears running down my face from laughing at this story and then the comments. Now that I've had the pleasure of Mrs. G's company and been blessed with the presence of Kitty, the visual that I get from all this is priceless (just like that priceless piece of art).
Not so long ago, out for a family picnic dinner, we saw something odd on the far side of the lake. It LOOKED like a woman, walking a cat, on a leash. But seriously, people don't do that do they? It had to be a dog that looked like a cat, surely? Rog and I debated it for a bit, (he's all like, 'It's a cat you blind, batty woman, look at all the ducks fleeing in panic.') I stared at that woman, and her cat-dog, for like, ten minutes until she disappeared behind a bush. I'm telling you, something aint right about that shit.
No self respecting crazy cat lady would ever be so rude! Sorry you were dissed but this is pretty hilarious.
This scenario is hilarious! You are racking up some excellent stories to tell your grandchildren someday.
Wait a minute...you mean the cat picture ISN'T in the front seat?
There is so much fodder in this post... gosh, Nebraska? I swore that if I got pregnant there, the kid would come out with straw-blond hair and freckles (SuperDad & I are dark-haired, no freckles). The road, it just goes on and on and on and on...
I've actually talked to a man walking his cat at a rest stop. He was itching to leave the conversation, but hey, if you are walking your cat in a rest area? You are a magnet for all sorts of things. He was traveling in a motor home with his cat -- something I have seen several times since then, including last night!
But mostly, I really wish you had pointed out the priceless folk art in your car. (My kids keep asking me, "Mom, why is there a cat magnet on the car? As for me, I just wish the kitty was twice as big!)
Maybe she's a loyal Pioneer Woman follower?