Today is Mrs. G's Mom's birthday. And while Mrs. G. has teased her remorselessly for her allegiance and reverence to George W. Bush (his framed photo is on her desk) and Bill O'Reilly, challenged her insistence that illegal immigrants like her yardman Juan (hard worker!) and her plumber Mohammed (lowest rates in town!) are responsible for all our country's cans of worms, and vexed her by clomping for thirty plus years in masculine shoes, Mrs. G. wants to take a moment to broadcast a simple truth: she loves her mama.
So, Reader, pardon Mrs. G. while she sips her coffee and cobbles together a tribute of sorts to the woman who birthed her and, despite the current namby pamby trend in healthy shmealthy, did it while smoking, drinking, gaining only eleven pounds and, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, not whining to everyone who had ears.
Things for which Mrs. G. thanks her mother:
1) For getting up most every morning in a good mood and dragging her single mother self to work...for supporting Mrs. G. without the benefit of child support or the luxury of an extended nervous collapse.
2) For pretending it was fun to drive a dented VW bug that couldn't reverse, broiled feet whether the heat was on or not and violently shimmied at freeway speeds.
3) For not allowing Mrs. G. to play with Tina O. (she was bad news), wear satin shorts, drink Tab, wear Lee Press-On nails to Mass or shave her arms.
5) For allowing Mrs. G. to read any book on the shelf. Reading I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can and Valley of the Dolls was far more effective in cementing Mrs. G's fear of uppers than Nancy Reagan's War on Drugs.
6) For sending Mrs. G. to college.
7) For blue in the face, 'til the cows come home, fierce loyalty. Mrs. G's successes are always no surprise; her failures are always flukes. Likewise, Mrs. G's supporters are wise and her detractors are shit heads. Period.
8) For never ending a phone call or visit with Mrs. G. without working in an unabashed declaration of love.
Things for which Mrs. G. does not thank her mother:
1) For pinching Mrs. G. when she screamed and writhed that time you put prescription drops in her eyes and then read the label three days later and discovered they were ear drops.
2) For the night you told Mrs. G. while sitting at a red light if she asked you one more time for hot rollers, you would roll the car into the intersection and kill us both.
4) For wearing violet platform shoes and false eyelashes to parent's night at Blessed Sacrament Elementary School.
5) For insisting that Mrs. G. had serious and acute allergies and needed Benadryl whenever your friends came over to drink banana daiquiris play Bridge.
6) For that summer you were finding yourself and Mrs. G. found your and your friend Sheila smoking pot in the backyard.
7) For telling Mrs. G. that you were smoking pot with Sheila to support Sheila during her current round of chemo...when (after some sleuthy investigative work at a neighborhood pool party) Mrs. G. discovered Sheila didn't have cancer.
8) For...blah blah blah. It all evens out in the wash.
You were there, you were there and you were there.
Mrs. G. loves you. Happy Birthday.