mrs. g's mom, a kickass woman who, if necessary, will kick your ass


Today is Mrs. G's Mom's birthday. And while Mrs. G. has teased her remorselessly for her allegiance and reverence to George W. Bush (his framed photo is on her desk) and Bill O'Reilly, challenged her insistence that illegal immigrants like her yardman Juan (hard worker!) and her plumber Mohammed (lowest rates in town!) are responsible for all our country's cans of worms, and vexed her by clomping for thirty plus years in masculine shoes, Mrs. G. wants to take a moment to broadcast a simple truth: she loves her mama.

So, Reader, pardon Mrs. G. while she sips her coffee and cobbles together a tribute of sorts to the woman who birthed her and, despite the current namby pamby trend in healthy shmealthy, did it while smoking, drinking, gaining only eleven pounds and, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, not whining to everyone who had ears.

Things for which Mrs. G. thanks her mother:

1) For getting up most every morning in a good mood and dragging her single mother self to work...for supporting Mrs. G. without the benefit of child support or the luxury of an extended nervous collapse.

2) For pretending it was fun to drive a dented VW bug that couldn't reverse, broiled feet whether the heat was on or not and violently shimmied at freeway speeds.

3) For not allowing Mrs. G. to play with Tina O. (she was bad news), wear satin shorts, drink Tab, wear Lee Press-On nails to Mass or shave her arms.

5) For allowing Mrs. G. to read any book on the shelf. Reading I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can and Valley of the Dolls was far more effective in cementing Mrs. G's fear of uppers than Nancy Reagan's War on Drugs.

6) For sending Mrs. G. to college.

7) For blue in the face, 'til the cows come home, fierce loyalty. Mrs. G's successes are always no surprise; her failures are always flukes. Likewise, Mrs. G's supporters are wise and her detractors are shit heads. Period.

8) For never ending a phone call or visit with Mrs. G. without working in an unabashed declaration of love.


Things for which Mrs. G. does not thank her mother:

1) For pinching Mrs. G. when she screamed and writhed that time you put prescription drops in her eyes and then read the label three days later and discovered they were ear drops.

2) For the night you told Mrs. G. while sitting at a red light if she asked you one more time for hot rollers, you would roll the car into the intersection and kill us both.

3) For stepfather insurance salesman who bathed in Brut cologne, wore velour jumpsuits with built in belts and drove a blue pacer with racing stripes.

4) For wearing violet platform shoes and false eyelashes to parent's night at Blessed Sacrament Elementary School.

5) For insisting that Mrs. G. had serious and acute allergies and needed Benadryl whenever your friends came over to drink banana daiquiris play Bridge.

6) For that summer you were finding yourself and Mrs. G. found your and your friend Sheila smoking pot in the backyard.

7) For telling Mrs. G. that you were smoking pot with Sheila to support Sheila during her current round of chemo...when (after some sleuthy investigative work at a neighborhood pool party) Mrs. G. discovered Sheila didn't have cancer.

8) For...blah blah blah. It all evens out in the wash.

You were there, you were there and you were there.

Mrs. G. loves you. Happy Birthday.

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Reader Comments (43)

Oh my heart melts.....but I did have to laugh out loud at the ear drops in the eyes......I think your Mom is one special dame! (hope that isn't taken as an insult...I mean it with great respect!). I particularly think she is amazing because she is who she apologies!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Carol

Lovely, lovely letter. Lucky Mother, Lucky Daughter.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterknittergran

Loved your last line (You were there, you were there and you were there.) There's always good and bad, but it's nice when you can look through it all and think of your mom with a line like that. Great tribute, Mrs. G.!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEmile

Happy Birthday, Mrs. G.'s mom.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralison

Happy Birthday, Mrs. G's Mom!!!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

I laughed at the false eyelashes and violet platforms! Happy Birthday to Mrs. G's mom. It takes quite a dame to turn out a woman like Mrs. G. Good job!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

You and your mom are a great team. It's obvious, despite your razzing of her, you love her dearly. I like kickass women!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJo

What a lovely, loving tribute. It brought tears to the eyes of this daughter and mother.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. G's Mom. You did good.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMartha Mc

Happiest of days to Mama G.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen on the Edge

What an awesome post. Happy birthday to Mrs. G's Mom.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermartha

What a great posting, it chronicles a great relationship.

Happy Birthday to your Mom!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterklcrab

Happy Birthday, Mrs. G's mom!

Some day, I hope my children will look back and acknowledge that it wasn't as bad as they seem to believe. You're a good daughter, Mrs G... Happy Birthday, Mrs. G's Mom! You did a good job.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter~ Galiena

Happy birthday Mrs G's Mom. You were there. Good work.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertrash

Spending a few days with my family (minus just one sib) and my mom, who at eighty-nine cannot always locate all of her marbles, and being terribly thankful that we all grew up to be so happy and love each other's company so much. My daughter came with me and lamented that her side of the family isn't nearly as much fun. She's right, they're not, and I'm a lucky bum. Many happy returns of the day, Mrs G's mama.

Happiest of Birthdays Mrs. G's Mom! You raised one kick ass daughter and that is a legacy in itself! You will always have a place in my heart for "Operation Sun Dial" , no matter that our politics are divergent! Have a day filled with wonderful!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbramble

Happy birthday Mama G! (h/t to Jen) You've got a lovely daughter and I hope her legion of Derfs makes you proud.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercardinal

Happy Birthday, Mama G. You did rock that red hair, woman!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

What a gal!!! Love this

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Happy Birthday Mrs G's Mom.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLinda C

What a lovely post and tribute to your mom. I might argue that for me, the violet platforms and false eyelashes should clearly go in the plus column.

This is beautiful. You're right, being there is so important. There is good and there is bad.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Fabulous, both of you. Happy birthday, Mama G!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter*m*

Love the false eyelashes and violet shoes at Parents' Night. Harper Valley PTA!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Paul

ALL the great heroes are a bit flawed, aren't they? Many happy returns to your mom--she gave us YOU, which is pretty dang awesome, too.

Aww, lovely! Happiest of birthdays, Mrs G's dear mom.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterc

Happy Birthday, Mom of Mrs G!

Sweet. Happy Birthday, Mama G! You done good.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNacCrackHouse

Reading I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can and Valley of the Dolls was far more effective in cementing Mrs. G's fear of uppers than Nancy Reagan's War on Drugs.

Ain't that the truth? Oh, how I didn't want to be Neely!

A lovely tribute, Mrs. G, as usual.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

Ah, mothers! Happy birthday to yours!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Other Laura

Simply wonderful.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjean

Fantastic! Mrs. G you obviously come from a long line of women with style and substance. Kudos to you and happy birthday to the woman what birthed you. May she have many more.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

Happy Birthday to your Mom. What a wonderful tribute.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisaWinks

and there on top is my sister! Fancy meeting you here, do you come here often?
I know you do!
Oh- excuse us- this is not about us??
Happy Birthday!
And may you never quite get each other but love the hell out of one another anyway.
Because that is what family is about.
Right sis?

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynot

whoops- someone slipped between me and my sis...

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynot

Happy Birthday, Mrs. G's Mom! Today is my Dad's birthday too.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Happy Birthday Mrs. G's Mom! And congratulations to you Mrs. G for knowing that a tribute to the woman who was always there was an important thing to do while that special woman is still with you.

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlbug

Happy Birthday Mrs. G's Mom!!! What a wonderful tribute to her!!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecky in Upstate NY

Happiest of birthday's, Mrs. G's Mom! Red heads rock the world!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMainely Alaskan

Happy Birthday Mrs. G's mom, you sound super-awesome! Hope it's a great one!

April 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJessie

Happy Birthday (belatedly) Mrs. G's Mom!!! I like your style!

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie

Aww, this is beautiful! I just lost someone really near and dear to me, so it especially touches me that you're taking time to say this now, Heather. Happy Birthday to your mom--you both are so lucky to have each other!

April 6, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteraphrodite

Beautiful post! I am in awe of the honesty and humor with each other. It's got me thinking what a letter from me to my Mom might look like and what my Critter's to me might be...

April 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter~annie

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