Full Confessional Friday...Back on Sunday!
Friday, April 20, 2012 at 5:12PM Mrs. G. 
Jacqueline Cochran: Internationally Known Woman Aviator
Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister.
Photo: Cochran was born near Panama City about 1910, but grew up in Pensacola She was orphaned in infancy and then lived with a poor family that traveled to sawmill towns in search of jobs. She became a reporter, owned a cosmetics firm and worked as a test pilot. She was the first woman to break the sound barrier, first woman to fly a bomber across the Atlantic, the first civilian woman to win a Distinguished Service Medal and was elected to the Aviation Hall of Fame in 1992. At her death in 1980, she held more speed, altitude and distance records than any other pilot.
Reader Comments (49)
I decided to take the bull by the horns in a rapidly degenerating work situation and speak forthrightly about the problem I was witnessing, and now I may not have much of a job anymore. Way to go, Working Girl!
I'm not so good at the office politics thing, I guess.
SC, speaking truth to power is never easy. And sometimes not so good for the speaker, but I hope everything works out.
My Confession is that I am so done with homework. And projects. And didn't I say that same thing in October?
My DH went to see his dad, who has good news about the chemo and mesothelioma, to go fishing. I'm so glad he chose to do this. But also? I'm kind of glad for the short break. Although it did mean I had to miss a meeting tonight because I couldn't balance helping with homework and going to the meeting...oh well.
Holy shit, y'all.
my husband woke me up at 2 a.m. telling him that he does not want to be the main provider for our family any more. He has a tenure-track job and he's almost there. I work part time in a very well-paying job (as far as per-hour goes), but it's only 12 hours a week. The rest of the time I care for our kids, our house, him, etc.
He says the responsibility is too much, and that he does not want it any more.
So.
I guess I need to re-vamp my ENTIRE life because he is sick of being the main provider.
I am un-pleased.
I've taken a few vacation days so that I can have a 5-day weekend. Today was my first day off, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself, spending time with my husband and son. I hit up some estate sales, picked up a couple of things and then I heard from a co-worker that our utility clerk who's covering my desk is jacking all kinds of stuff up. I don't know what happened, because she seemed to be doing so well when I cross trained her. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to be spending the rest of my time off worrying about what's going to be waiting for me when I get back.
I think I'm going to just go to bed and try not to think about it.
My husband is miserable in his job and wants to quit. But we both have health problems and since I have a recent cancer diagnosis, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I could get insurance for a price we could afford unless we found other jobs that offered health insurance. And in this little town with this economic climate, that ain't gonna happen. I wish I could get him to just relax and stop worrying about it all, but that ain't gonna happen either. So I have to listen to endless whining. I get sick of it. All I want is a little less drama.
But on the bright side, I just bought myself a $325 handbag. I love it and I don't feel guilty at all. Not even a little bit.
I'm going away on a girls' weekend. I've been looking forward to it for month. I don't know if I will even try to keep on a decent eating plan. We won't be eating junk (the friend who likes to cook will be making healthy meals) but it won't be the 5 small meals a day that I've been following at home. Plus there will be wine and margaritas.
Wishing all my fellow Derfs a good weekend!
*months*
Anon4 - he woke you at 2am? Way to spread the love/stress. I can see that the main earner in a family might reach a point where the responsibility becomes overwhelming and I would never negate that but surely the jobshare has been one of you being internal provider/mainframe for the family and the other the the external provider/mainframe for the family? Perhaps I am projecting. Quoting from 'Momastery' (which I have been reading all week, many thanks to Kate in Mich for the link) "We learned that in a marriage, you never crumble at the same time. You wait your turn. " (18 April 2012) This makes sense to me. Hope you find a suitable resolution for your situation.
My confession? I think my kids are great. A pain in the arse sometimes but on the whole funny, polite, pleasant and good to spend time with. They are only 13 & 10, this statement is going to come back and bite me when they are both true teenagers, right?
OK, just between us? Guys have been working on our...septic system this week....and....well, they are friendly and hard working and awesome....BUT, really, when they need me to look down into the tank? I REALLY don't like looking down into the septic tank. Honestly, if the only work a guy can find is fixing and digging old septic systems, it makes me flippin' GRATEFUL to lead my frivolous little life....
I'm on a project team of just two people and we hide our mutual dislike of each other under a veneer of fake niceness. Team member irritates me because she is consistently late, unprofessional, and is the sort of person who will want to tell you a long boring story about her dog, just when you are frantically trying to finish something before the end of the day and don't want to miss your bus. Anyway, I've been quietly allowing her to throw herself under the bus. For example, we each have a weekly "one on one" meeting with our boss in which we update her on the progress of our projects. I know hers is scheduled for Thursday mornings at 9:00. She keeps forgetting to show up to these meetings. Yesterday morning, her meeting time was approaching and I could tell she had forgotten it again, and I didn't say a word. I feel guilty, but it's not my job to be her keeper, and she has Outlook and knows how to use it. She might even have considered it intrusive of me to remind her about her own meeting, but I still feel bad.
Anon4, the tenure track process is so stressful. Even though the end is in sight, it doesn't mean the stress just goes away. Having recently been through the dissertation process, at the very end I went through a tough, tough time with my partner...at a time you would be thinking, "Wow, now we'll have all this time to spend on us!" Trash mentioned never crumpling at the same time, and I think this is one of those moments. I suspect if you just ride this through, all will work out in the end. Hang in there, it may be much better six months from now. And, yes, I realize that is not much of a comfort today.
I have a meeting next week with the dean of my college that I hadn't known was coming. Now that I am non-tenure track officially (and grateful to be free of the tenure process!), these meetings will take place each year. Am wondering how far I dare to go with ideas, and I'm focusing on paying attention to the face/body language so I don't go too far. I'm not overly worried, but wondering.
Anon4--he woke you at 2 am? That's not normal behavior. It may be time for you to send him away for a weekend, then have this discussion when he comes home. Sounds like he definitely needs a break. I hope all goes well!
My confession: It's the last two weeks of school and I'm so excited to spend the summer with my daughter!!!!!!
I have another confession, if I may? Packing the wife's lunch today with the burrito and the orange and for desert...let me put it into a wee haiku:
I have been so bad:
Two chocolate cookies left,
I took the BIG one.
But I think that me and the wife will have the big date Saturday in our kitchen with some cheapo jug vino and bake MORE.
The whole community is on edge waiting for word about a 2-year old who was lost at the beach yesterday. It's not looking good. My younger son was/is a bolter. This was always my worst nightmare. I hugged my kids extra last night.
Anon4, I was also thinking that your husband just sounds stressed in a darkest-hour-is-just-before-dawn kind of way. As I'm sure you know, the tenure process is a high-pressured, often politically tinged situation where even if you have enough pubs and service and positive evals, you still can't be positive what will happen. Maybe he's concerned about the outcome and the stress is causing him to hedge his bets? Be supportive and encourage him not to make a rash decision so close to this big goal.
Anony4 - I hope that it was just middle-of-the-night stress fueling your husband's mood. I usually find that things that seem unsurmountable that I wake up in the wee hours thinking about are not so bad after a couple of coffees in the morning. I'm not trying to diminish the situation, but maybe Jessie is right and he needs to blow off some steam. Susan just posted as I was writing this, and she said what I wanted to say, but more clearly.
NacCrackHouse - I can't imagine being in such a stressful situation. I've really had my eyes opened in the past year or so to what Americans have to deal with in order to get health care. I've been living in my nice cosy Canadian cocoon of ignorance. I can't see how it can go on that people have to put up with horrible jobs to keep insurance, or go bankrupt over a sudden illness or surgery. I hope things work out for you and your husband.
Karen - Have a fab girls' weekend. It's a little-known fact that margaritas consumed outside one's own home and in the company of girlfriends have zero calories. True story. :)
Suburbancorrespondent - Office politics sucks. Truly. It's hard enough to do a good job at your job without having to navigate around the power-hungry, the clueless, the bootlickers, and the excessive rule followers. I hope things turn out OK.
Gary - Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I tell my daughters that all the cookies are gone, but they aren't and I've hidden them for me for late-night tea and cookies.
@suburbancorrespondent: I hope this does work out OK for you. Speaking out is particularly brave when there may be negative consequences for the speaker. Good for you for having the courage.
@Kelley: I'm not sure how or why your co-worker would contact you about work when you're on leave from work, but in my book that's not OK unless the sky is falling in and you're the only one who can hold it up and they need you to come and do it right now. They should have kept their mouth shut out of respect for your time off. Try not to think about it.
I also want to say that Trash's comment about both partners not melting down at the same time. That's definitely how it is for our relationship.
Now, my confession. K-man and I take the same train to work, so we usually travel together. This morning I left him because he was taking too long and I was going to miss the train. So, I'm at the station getting on the train and he phones to ask if I've seen his house keys as he can't find them anywhere. I said no. He came back late last night after a few drinks, and used his keys to open the front door. However, it has not been unknown for him to leave the key in the lock dangling on the outside of the closed front door (I know...!). He was worried that he'd done that again, and in the middle of the night someone had taken the keys and was waiting for the house to be empty before getting in and taking all our stuff. He wouldn't leave the house, called our house insurance to ask if they would cover a locksmith to change all our locks, and then called me to say he still couldn't find them so was staying home from work in case a break-in was imminent or to meet the locksmith, whichever came first. I sympathised, and then out of nowhere thought I really should check my bag just in case. Yep, his keys were in my bag, where I must have absent-mindedly put them this morning when I was just thinking 'keys, bag, go...!'. I cost him a very late arrival at work when he is really pushed for time. At least we found the keys. On the one had I felt terrible, on the other hand I do think he overreacted. On the third hand, he is really terrible at keeping track of important possessions, and his own housekeys is a whole sub-category of frustration with multiple 'temporary misplacement' events. I cannot count the times he has left things places, or lost the thing, and needed me to pull his fat out of the fire. Maybe this unpleasant trauma will lead him to be a bit more careful.
Suburban -- yes, that whole speaking truth to power thing is an ethical, albeit difficult, way to live. Good for you! The lost two year old, terrifying. Oh my. I was watching Good Morning America while working out and they showed an interview with a father of a six year old abducted 33 years ago. The father still choked up, thinking about the fear his child felt in evil hands. I cried too and it was a five second clip. Sigh.
My two big confessions? I don't particularly like my job as a tenured community college instructor. LOVE the hours and flexibility -- I teach online so I am available 100% to my children -- but teaching English has turned into high school grammar instruction. I hate it and didn't get a PhD in TWO disciplines (Feminist Studies and English) to tell nineteen year olds that Sherman Alexie isn't a luxury car but a writer OR deal with stuff like "This paper will compare the eating problems of obese children in the United States to the eating problems of children starving to death in third-world countries." oh my GOD.
My dream? To make a living as a scholar at large -- essays, talks (LOVE public speaking and am good at it), facilitating workshops, cultural criticism or workshops about online teaching/technology. I actually bought a domain name but can't find the time to get this going!! But there's the dream, verbalized for the first time to derfs.
I guess one other confession -- my sixteen year old son who is debating at the national level thinks he's going to attend a seven week debate institute this summer that costs five grand. We don't have the money and unless he gets a hefty scholarship, he can't go (we'll hear in about a month). I dread, dread, dread disappointing him so -- it's not an unrealistic goal for him to have, given where he's at competitively and I wish we had even credit on the credit card to tap into. But we're tapped. I may stoop to asking my wealthy extended family members to save their xmas and birthday gifts and help send him.
Hi Everyone! I hope that those in need of some good vibes and better times get plenty of both this weekend.
I'm back on the road/in the air/out of town for work. I have really fun work (I play in an orchestra) but am exhausted. Maybe I'll take Gary's suggestion and bake something before I go. With the state of airlines these days, I could probably make big bucks selling cookies at the gate.
Minnesota Matron, if I can weigh in with my own experience....put your website up NOW. Don't delay. Just get something up there and you can tweak it as you go along. With my cooking website, I talked about it for months and months and was always too busy to get started. The first step is always the hardest. Just do it and you'll be so happy that you did.
Minnesota Matron, I have read your blog for YEARS (but have never commented, go figure). I have web site design experience and would be happy to help you along your way if it's the technical aspects that are stopping you. Your dream sounds realistic to me--your writing is phenomenal. Let me know if you want any help: jessicaab87@gmail.com
Woohoo Jessie & The Matron! Derf power!
I read the photo caption and thought it said, "she held more speed, attitude and distance records "
Sorry Suburbancorrespondent - I wrote about that a little myself, because I'm going through stuff here. Hope your forethrightness is rewarded, not punished. Seems like work uncertainty and dissatisfaction is affecting a lot of us and our nearest dearest. Why is life like this?
Nic - your story about your husband's keys cracked me up. I once upon a time drove a forty-mile commute, and one morning when I got in the office my husband called frantic he couldn't find his car keys at home and he was late for an important meeting. Sure enough, I had both my set of car keys and his set of car keys in my purse.
Matron, I'm taking a community college French class, and I can't tell you how my heart bleeds for our professor, when some of the students can't even bother to follow along in the book. I cuold be charitable and think maybe the students are simply tired after working all day - but so am I, and following along in the book is like being spoon-fed.
Thank God it's the weekend!
Dear Derfs:
All of us who are teachers...
Don't you ever start to feel insulted that these damned kids (or adults -- whatever) are so DISRESPECTFUL of our life's work when they don't even try to learn from us? I have several students (private flute) who just ... don't see the need to work at all. It's not like they're not good kids. But I ask them to really dig in and be precise -- even just at a lesson -- they don't see why. I hear, "But, KATE!~ I just want to play it MYYYYY wayyyyyy. Why can't I do thaaat?"
And I say, trying to hid the disgust, "Because your way is, in fact, wrong. And it's non-musical. And if you're here in my studio, you are here to learn it MY way."
Ack. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't. But it's SO RUDE. And teaching pays the bills when performing isn't.
Um. "trying to HIDE the disgust." Whoops.
Frustrated with a situation at work - Started working part time helping someone on a different team write and edit process instructions and such. According to the person I'm helping her Supervisor and Business Manager are in the process of making it a full-time position that will include a transfer for me and (most likely) a raise. However, my supervisor doesn't know that this is going on and I'm pretty sure the person I'm helping shouldn't have opened her mouth because now I'm stuck feeling like I'm lying to my boss (whom I have a pretty great relationship with at this point) because I'm not telling her everything that is going on.
In other new's I'm bummed because the Chief Copy Editor of my college's newspaper was unable to be at this production night due to something that came up last minute so I filled in and stayed until almost 1 am making sure that the issue was solid since this weekend is parent's weekend and the biggest paper we put out all year. It was an amazing opportunity that I'm thankful I had but I can't put it on my resume because I wasn't credited as the Chief Copy Editor for the issue.
Matron - I'm sorry. Please know that it is just as frustrating for those of us who actually do our work and research and don't pick ridiculous topics and all of the other garbage that you seem to encounter!
I'm sure this post makes me seem like a terrible copy editor but at this point on Friday I couldn't care less because it's been one hell of a week... Thank goodness I get to spend the evening with one of my dear friends as we walk to support Relay for Life at our school.
You folks give me credit for too much. I wasn't being brave, speaking up - I was just trying to stand up for my own little self, while also trying to straighten out what I thought were some misunderstandings between me and a superior. And now I don't know where I stand. Oh, well. Who needs money? Larry and I can just live on love. And food stamps, maybe...
And @kate in michigan - I take my children to an older German lady for art lessons. She NEVER hesitates to tell them that they need to do something the "right" way, because that is what their parents are paying her for. I love her.
I'm going to a wedding in 2 hours.
Clothes ironed, nails painted, card written and gift sorted.
An old friend remarrying after the bad break up of a 30 year marriage.
The new partner is a perfectly nice person who was not involved with the breakup.
...but the ink is barely dry on the divorce papers. Unhappy adult children not attending.
Too quick for everyone maybe.
I was bailed up in the local supermarket a couple of weeks ago by another friend who asked me if I felt disloyal keeping in contact with him. Right next to the tomato display I told her that I didn't. I told her that I had been honest with both friends about keeping in touch with both of them....about trying to keep both 30 odd year friendships.
Ok it's hard, it's very awkward. It will never be quite the same.
There are things we can't talk about any more.
We all went to school together.
We stood next to each other at weddings 1 year apart....in the 80's
We holiday'd together.
We are godparents to each others children. They had boys, we had girls...and we laughed that we should swap...or marry them off.
Friends have definately picked sides and there is a huge rift in our social group.
Strangely I think the one who understands the best is his ex-wife. She doesn't expect us to drop him.
We see her and offer her any support and friendship we can.
My husband and I are going to the wedding because our old friend is right. He deserves to be happy.
He didn't commit a crime, or murder anyone.
He just made a decision about his own life.
Sadly that impacted many poeple.
We told him honestly...we were shocked, disapointed, disaproving and sad.
...but I think I can go to the wedding and wish him well.
I just have to take a deep breath first.
Rough week. My confession, I have lost a bit of 'spark' and just don't have the energy to do the work to regain it. Overwhelmed with job work, volunteer work, school work, house work, and my disabled daughter ~ which is mental, physical, and emotional work. Usually I can self-manage the stress levels, do plenty to care for my own mental and physical health. But, this time...seem to be wallowing in being ineffective and unmotivated. I think this may be a sign of some unaddressed anger or overwhelming stress....but I just can't care enough to do something different yet. Maybe this weekend, I'll figure out a way to get past this apathy?!? Today though, I just don't care.
Minnasota Matron, just finished reading your last couple years of posts...very nice and entertaining. I wish I could be so open and accessible when writing.
G'night all ~ Enjoy the weekend!
I was so depressed today I cleaned. If you know me you know I hate cleaning. But it was either clean or cry. And I don't know why.
I'm dying to chime in here but have limited internet access. Sunday night I have wi-fi on the 3 hour train ride home, so I can dig in. Keep on truckin' all.
We got the test results back on my father's condition. Results: inconclusive.
There are worse things than the worst diagnosis, and that's no diagnosis. Something's definitely going on, it's just not classic anything. They want him to undergo the preliminary test for one of the things they thought it might be, which involves minor surgery, which involves me traveling to be there. My inner 5 year old doesn't want to, but my outer 48 year old is going to suck it up and make it happen.
My sister and I were talking about worst case scenarios this evening, and there are no easy answers. I'd settle for a hard but straightforward answer at this point. It's not going to be pretty if they can't figure out what this is and how to fix it.
I'm settling for a glass of wine and chocolate something for dessert tomorrow night. And a lot more "wait and see" stress.
@anon4: I'm with the "let the morning sun shine on the cares of the night and see them more clearly" crowd. It may be that your husband really hates what he does, but 2 am isn't the time for analysis. And that kind of change does call for careful analysis and discussion.
@Nac--I must have missed your post earlier. I hope you are both able to figure out something soon that will make you happy. Being stuck in your job for the health care is the worst. I'll be thinking of you.
Minnesota Matron - Just start, get your foot in one door, and I have no doubt you'll take off. You have such an intriguing writing voice, it's hard to imagine that you wouldn't be a terrific speaker/facilitator.
You are all right about my husband. It was a "darkest before the dawn" thing. BUT.
I'm still contemplating what I can do to get more financially self-sufficient. I might just jump and make some big old changes. Maybe. It might be time. Things are more normal here again, tho. And I insisted that next time he has a midnight of despair moment, I'm gonna go sleep in the car and lock the doors.
@Deborah J - good for you for reacting to this unfortunate, sad, difficult situation with love, an open heart, and an open mind. We all do things others don't understand and it renews my faith in the goodness of humanity whenever I hear of a flawed human being who was not judgmental of another flawed human being's choices.
I started taking piano lessons, and it's HARD for me. The tunes are simple but each hand does something different and there are all these rules to learn and I still don't know the bass clef notes. And when I play my pieces perfectly at home, I ALWAYS mess up in front of my teacher. I'm going to keep it up, at least until summer vacation. So when I'm teaching the kids in my class something new, like order of operations, and they start to whine, "I don't get it, it's hard!" I can honestly say, "I know exactly how you feel." (By the way, I'm finally back at work after 6 months of treatments for breast cancer. I am so happy.)
Patricia: good for you! (both the piano and the going back to work after cancer treatment)
I'm a private music teacher, and may I suggest something? I have TONS of students who have the "can't play it well in front of the teacher" problem. I tell them to make a recording at home andbring it to lessons.
Even on a smartphone, you can get halfway decent recordings.
The upsides:
You get to PROVE that you actually CAn play it,
and
You get practice "performing" it (when you record, it's like a performance), and chances are, you'll be able to play it better for the teacher after a couple of times recording.
Violet, it is true, we are all flawed and that just makes us human.
Someone asked me at the wedding, quietly, what I thought of all this.
I told her that sometimes life is a messy complicated business.
I wished them well, and I meant it.
...but there were definately memories of other times, and another friend.
Patricia, so pleased you're back to work.
I'd posted a wk or so ago that I needed a therapist. I was talking to a friend who ended up being just as good as!! She pointed out that I really need to let go of the anger that I was feeling. What an ah ha moment! Stuff really hasn't changed around here, I'm just working on not getting pissed off at everything like I was.
My confession this week is that a Relay for Life team that I've been on for about 5 years has been dissolved and I'm really glad about it. I was dreading the event and didn't know how to get out of the team gracefully. I see the team members on a regular basis and couldn't come up with a good reason that I could share for quitting. But I feel guilty about it esp now with a MIL fighting cancer, feeling like NOW is when I should really be involved.
I'm sorry about your MIL, LisaWinks; there are other ways to contribute, though, if you feel you must.
I wish there was a "like" or "sympathize" button on these comments. It's Monday, I'm exhausted and I need to find someone to clean the house of a neighbor who died. We've had exterminators come 4 times, the horrid hoarder who caused . . . but I'm not allowed to talk about that as now I'm employed by the estate, but the tons of crap (really! well, some just trash and clothes) are gone but so is my sweet little old neighbor woman. And the entertaining little old bitchy neighbor woman (who's only 90) finally has a new place, where the DAMN TOILET DOESN'T FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR. She's a bitch, so what; that means she's alive and feisty. But I won't see her daily on the street. My beau is helping her pack up, and each morning she's unpacked things ("I need my gun. What if someone tries to break in during the night?") Changes in the 'hood. Mainly, though, I'm writing because of that almost last comment by LisaWinks. Give up the guilt, give the time to your MIL, don't worry about the Relay for Life. I had a touch of the cancer (5% chance of survival the first year, so said seven doctors including my two uncles and grandfather - 20+ years ago). Hope you've never had it, but I am tired of all the support groups and the post this if on FB and emails if you've ever . . . and on ad infinitum (or nauseum). We'll get rid of cancer some other way, and perhaps a bit more quietly and privately. Of course, I am somewhat of a recluse. Best to you all.
naomi (not that first naomi, another one) Now to fall asleep in a hot bath.
K.....is it just me or is anyone else lonely for Mrs. G? Gosh....it's Monday!!!! I was hoping for my Derf fix YESTERDAY!!!! But then again....I'm not worthy of complaining.....just checking in and now I'll apologize for wanting an update (smiley inserted here even though it is not allowed!)
LisaWinks...give money to relay for life, spend the time with your MIL, you will never regret it, I hope.
Oh my God-Buddha-Allah-Oprah-Universe. Jessie -- that is a beautiful offer! I'll email! Here's why the superlative. True: I was just going to bed and thought, well, I'll check the Confessional comments in case there's a MESSAGE FROM THE UNIVERSE about my writing career. No pressure, though, Jessie : -). But it's true -- I had that thought and there was the message -- made me very happy!! I'll send you a message -- and my technology stumble is quite low: Word Press. It's like Antarctica in a bikini for me.
Loving the image Matron.
@Minnesota Matron--Ha, Antarctica in a bikini! Email me for sure! I'm sure we are both in the final throes of school stuff, but after next Friday I am FREE AS A BIRD and would love to help you with a website. Let me know if you have trouble reaching me at that address!
I've been touched by many of your posts tonight.
Lisse, I hope that child is found. I remember worrying about the possibility of my kids being lost or snatched when they were young as well as worrying that every bad thing that happened to other kids (yes, all the bad things) would also happen to my kids. I've finally managed to get to a point where I feel sympathy others, but don't let that translate into (obsessive?) anxiety for me and my family.
Minnesota Matron, I would love to read more of your writing and will look for your website!
Kate and Patricia, I'm going to start practicing playing my piano again. Thanks for the pep talk and I'll remember that it IS hard to play, but I'll persevere.
Have a great (rest of the) week everyone.