ode on a perimenopausal limb or alternately titled skirting wide, wide hormonal margins

It is 3:44am and Mrs. G. woke up two hours ago, drenched, clammy with sweat and cruelly ripped from a dream involving she, Angelica Houston and avocado green shag carpet. She rolled out of bed, took a cool shower, slapped on another round of Mitchum (she can no longer skip a day) put on a fresh, cotton nightshirt, crawled back in bed and tried to go back to sleep.

And then she got back up. And then she laid back down. And then she got back up. This is the rational portion of the ode. The part you could humorously share with your co-workers or church ladies or foster-children of Silence and slow Time. Here's the part of the ode you should probably keep to yourself if you have self-respect or a need to be taken seriously when the situation demands it.


When Mrs. G. got out of bed for the third time, she grabbed a bag bowl of Barbara's Cheese Puffs and a diet Dr. Pepper, snuck off to her study/guest/escape from Mr. G's snoring room and wept through most of of the movie We Bought a Zoo, despite an abiding aversion to Scarlett Johanson and zoos.


And here she is, writing, simultaneously dead tired and wide awake. Twired.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all

It might be time for some TV Ambien Law & Order.



PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (32)

Hell's Bells woman! You should listen to your dog, he is definitely sending you the juju to make you go back to bed.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertrash

It's a bitch when sleep just floats away.....I hope you can catch some soon.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermeredith@whynot

I had this lovely combo: night sweats and nightmares about tornadoes. Gah! Glad I wasn't up alone...

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Other Laura

aaah....Cuba Gooding's ass......nice.
i love Law and Order....i put it in the same category as Hill Street Blues....wonderfulness all around.
i'm so sorry we didn't get to meet Chewy....that's a face my boys and i would love.
here's hoping you get a nap in sometime today.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterdebKuroiwa

Been there, done that - though a different movie about 5 years ago. Mother nature is a *itch!

BTW, you will get through this. And a nap at lunch time works wonders.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGA_in_GA

Did the same dance early last week for a few nights and I blamed it on the full moon! I have been managing my own "personal weather fronts" fairly well, but those night time heat waves, and twisting turning and wanting to crawl out of your skin...suck!
Did you know Dr. Pepper has MORE caffeine than Coke? Hmmm, just a timely fact! I have always been an emotional wreck who cries @ sappy commercials so I will steer clear of "Zoo" , thanks for the warning!!! Maybe a good dose of F*x Noos would get you fired up and less weepy?!!!I know it always pisses me off! Hormonal women need appropriate avenues to channel their "power surges"!!! Hope you get that nap!

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbramble

Funny how Matt Damon does the chubby thing with mustache, like CONTAGION and THE INSIDER but also does the super handsome thing like in this pic and the badass thing like BOURNE. if I were him? I would stick to the buff and handsome roles!

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergary rith

Oy. Last night I dreamed that I went to visit my kid's future school (where she'll go for 6th grade), and I had to pee. So I went on a toilet that was IN THE ROOM. THen, when I tried to flush? It flooded. The pee got 4 inches deep. During open house.

And PATRICK DEMPSEY was there, amused. AND? Bobby Flay. Who was NOT amused.

Ugh to "insomnia dreams." Ugh and ugh.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkate in Michigan

It is really nice to know that I'm not the only one experiencing the hormonal roller coaster. The night sweats, shorter and shorter periods of sleep, crying, asking strangers for a hug, eating comfort food then crying when the entire box of donuts is empty. The list goes on and on. It coincides so nicely with my teenage sons own hormonal rages. NOT.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjean

Ah, this, too shall pass. But not before more sleepless nights. Twired...good one! Am FINALLY at the other side of the random heat waves for the most part. I've noticed they've been subsiding lately and that's a welcome thing.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter1Les

It will pass, true, but what a PITA untill it does. If men went through this there would be a pill or a cure for it. They certainly wouldn't put up with it. It is a cruel irony that we women-of-a-certain-age have to deal with insomnia and night sweats just as the men in our lives have discovered Viagra and Ciallis.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlbug

If you wept through "We Bought a Zoo" for God's sakes don't watch "War Horse"! I made that mistake one sleepless night and have not yet recovered. I've also been moved to tears by a commercial for "Chimpanzee". Why must we suffer so?

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBuddy's Mom

Twired. I like it. You're a genius Mrs. G.

Anything Matt Damon is in is worth a watch, just to see him flash those pearly whites! Will have to check this out.

So this is what I have to look forward to huh? After I stop sweating from my small children smashing their tiny heaters bodies against mine all night and waking up every few hours to a elbow in the face? Once I outgrow that, I'll be sweating and waking still? Sigh.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim Akari

I'm coming out on the other side now, I think. Haven't had a sweat in months. It'll pass, Mrs. G, it'll pass! Meanwhile - stock up on the DVDs. Me, I read on the couch in my husband's office.

My drug of choice is to take an over-the-counter melatonin when I go to bed at the right time. It usually works.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

Twired. I know this well. *sigh*

I was twired all night, too! Since 2 am, tossing and turning. I haven't had sweats in ages, but I had a period for the first time in 6 months. I'm ready to be done with this.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSmalltown Me

Had I known, I would have emailed you, as I too was up and twired. Only I had the snoring husband AND the talking in her sleep mother-in-law and the teenage boys wandering around the house as they are on Easter break to cope with, so I couldn't even escape to indulge in some Downton Abbey (still on season 2). And now I am at work trying to mainline coffee.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermomwhoknits

I'm twired, too! My problem is falling asleep. If I take melatnonin or something like tylenol PM, I'm so groggy the next day, I can barely function. Last night I was still awake at 12:30AM, fussing with the covers and trying to find the cold side to my pillow.

Can I just hijack for a quick moment to ask a question? Would anyone here be offended by a male manager in their office starting off a meeting by telling everyone about his vasectomy last week? Am I being prudish or is that just slightly unprofessional? I'm going to go get something with a lot of caffeine and ponder this a bit more.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I read that and now my forehead feels weird, because my eyebrows SHOT UP like, over my head. DISCUSS A VASECTOMY? WHUCK?
I mean, mentioning "had some outpatient surgery" if he needs some accommodations while healing, yeah. But... "Yep. Got the ol' plumbing disconnected" or "I'm firing blanks!" ? Uh. NO. Not in my world. Nobody, not nobody, wants some office guy's NETHER PARTS on their minds at work. ::shudder::

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkate in Michigan

Ok, yeah, that's how I felt, too. It was odd all the way around. He told us he got 'neutered' last week (his words) and then proceeded to show us a pic on his phone of a squirrel with some caption about 'protecting your nuts' or some such, that someone emailed him, and har, har, har, ain't that a hoot?! I work in a bank, normally a pretty staid and conservative environment. Perphaps if we have a meeting again with him, I'll discuss my night sweats and hormone crazed nightmares. The thing is, if this conversation had happened anywhere else, with anyone else, it wouldn't bother me. If my husband's friends talked about it, or even my brother, I would probably just say 'eww', roll my eyes and move on. But at work, I feel like I can't say anything about it, because while it's inappropriate, I don't feel like it was sexual harassement. It was just a guy in a position of authority acting like a boorish frat-boy.

Carry on with your twired-ness, Derfs!

PS- I love 'We Bought A Zoo' with everything in my being! Marky Mark could father children with me any time he wants.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

"Would anyone here be offended by a male manager in their office starting off a meeting by telling everyone about his vasectomy last week?"

What's the gender make-up of the office? How did everyone in the room react?

I think I'd just find it inappropriate for someone to share ANY personal medical detail to start off a meeting. It's not so much about what the procedure is and that it's kinda gender-based, but that it's so personal and not relevant to the business at hand.

Talking about "getting neutered" in that setting is just kinda...weird.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Snow

The meeting was 3 males, 3 females. The guys all kind of giggled like 4th graders, and as for us 3 women, my supervisor kind of giggled and myself and the other woman in the room just kind of shifted uncomfortably in our chairs. Mr. Neuter is a manager from another department who brought two of the employees with him. I was there, along with my female supervisor and her male manager. Male Manager and Mr. Neuter apparently have some sort of bromance going on, trading comments like 'I thought your balls had been in a jar for years', etc. The whole thing just felt icky. I keep thinking that if the tables were turned, I would NEVER discuss anything that private at work.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley


I am horrified. Discussing BALLS? I mean, really? What is it about having the 'nads threatened that makes guys turn into such Beavis & Buttheads? (except gary, of course)

I suggest you go up to Mr. Neuter, pretend to knee him in the groin, and say (loudly) in front of as many people as possible, "Dude. You want to bring your balls into the workplace (conversationally), I get to knee you in them. Leave your nuts at home."

I know. Never happen. But it'd be funny.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkate in Michigan

I may have to make up a couple of Gary's voodoo dolls and stick the pins somewhere inappropriate!

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Kelley's last comment made me choke on my soup!
But the first one made me drop my jaw and nearly drop my spoon... totally unprofessional and inappropriate for him to bring it up as part of a meeting.... or even in conversation with mixed company, unless he is a personal friend with whom you would normally speak of such things.

I think your all overreacting. Maybe he was just trying to lighten up the meeting with a little humor, which this blog lacks. Thank you to the kind, sensitive woman who called me a dick (no problems with penises in this department) over in Mrs. G's shrine to herself--Ye Olde Face Project. Lighten up and get over yourselves.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

I was right there with ya, Mrs G. but it was 3 am AK time. tossing/turning/hot/cold/legs crawling(hate that worse than the sweats). My new hubby sleeps oh so soundly with a miracle CPAP machine, but he said "were you restless last night?". I've been turning to harmless Hallmark late night with Golden Girls and Frasier and now Bob Newhart. Was looking forward to the Mary Tyler Moore repeats------but, can I tell you that watching them make me absolutely CRINGE. I want to scream at her "get a spine and stand up for yourself for pete sake!!" the clothes are fun though.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAngAk

I agree with albug....if men went through half the crap we deal with there'd be a pill for it. I'm not at the night sweats and insomnia part yet, but I've been told my recent 7 1/2 week visit from Aunt Flow might just be the opening number.

Last night I had a dream that I found an abandoned newborn baby in the guest drop off area of a hotel. And, of course, I wanted to keep it.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlittlemama

Hey, Derfs!

Did you all read the "Outing" Mrs. G sort of gave "JOHN" on the Face Project?

HE'S A GIRL. "He" is a woman who is a regular commenter. BAHAAAAHAAA. So let's not talk dicks and balls around such a sensitive female. Named John.

"(no problems with penises in this department)"
Methinks the lady doth brag about her package too much.

Oh, that is rich.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkate in Michigan

I snorted a bit when I read that, Kate!

Well, I am very tired now, but I know that when my head hits the pillow, I'll be wide awake. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have to deal with the long periods (7.5 weeks, Littlemama, I feel for you!), because both my mom and her sister had them, due to fibroids. I hope it doesn't happen to me. I don't have the emotions all over the place so much as I do the temper. Some days it takes hardly anything to set me off. I snap and yell, usually at my husband or son and I feel horrible afterwards. I've thought about talking to my dr. about Xanax but I'm kind of afraid to take it.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Ah yes, twired. That is a word most of us know by 50 if not before. (I share your feelings for Ms. Scarlett, too.) Here is to a better night tonight.

April 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrightside-Susan

Twired. The perfect word. Thank you for giving me that. Now in the hours before dawn breaks, I'll be able to label myself.

Vasectomy discussion in public, in the morning, or any time, is just too ridiculous.

Thank you for sharing your nighttime madness. Makes me feel better. I'm stocking up on Cheese Puffs.

April 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPatti Winker

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>