A Few Things On Mrs. G's Mind...With Text
Wednesday, February 22, 2012 at 8:29PM Mrs. G. 
1) Mrs. G. is going to have to temporarily unplug from the 24 hour news cycle. Mr. G. gently suggested this when he came upon her in the kitchen repeatedly stabbing a paring knife into an orange bell pepper while listening to NPR.
2) Mrs. G's daughter told her last night that anyone who is not watching RuPaul's Drag Race is missing out. It has nothing to do with souped up automobiles, though technically there is a dragstrip.
3) Mrs. G's worst nightmare has materialized while she is wide awake. Despite a spotless history of avoiding any object within the general ballpark of her butt, due to recent stomach issues her doctor has scheduled her for a colonoscopy. Don't bother reassuring her she will be knocked out during the procedure. When you have dedicated your life to safeguarding your ass, Mrs. G. has no doubt no matter how deep under anesthesia she is shoved, she will sense the violation.
4) Mrs. G. hopes and prays the panty liner that escaped from her granny panties last Saturday -- she doesn't even know what she hopes and prays. There is no good, dignified ending to this sort of situation. She hasn't quit thinking about it since she discovered the getaway, the Carefree little bastard.
Why, Jesus, why? This seems like a particularly humiliating cross to bear. Couldn't you have just let it get stuck in Mrs. G's pant's leg?
5) Mrs. G. hung out with her friend Ann on Saturday night and watched movies. They each have their own blanket and stake out their traditional spots on her sectional. In one film (Up in the Air) there was a lot of partying go on, partying that looked pretty fun. "We should party more," Mrs. G. told Ann. Then they both laughed. Dear Ann, if you happened to find a rogue panty liner in your house, Mrs. G. has no idea where it came from.
Mental, Pop Culture, Womankind
Reader Comments (47)
a rogue panty liner? I'm sorry but that is just too funny. And I'm sorry to hear about the colonoscopy. Good luck and remember you might be a bit gassy afterwards. Just a warning no bothered to tell me.
Mrs. G, I am soooooo glad you are doing the colonoscopy. After my situation last spring, I encourage everyone to avail themselves of this health-insurance-covered preventive care. It can be a lifesaver.
Once you have completed the procedure, you will likely agree with me that the process itself is far, far less traumatic than the preparation for the procedure. Your ass-protection instincts will be completely submerged by two compelling impluses 1) wanting to get it the fuck over with and 2) being really really hungry.
I went to El Cholo for enchiladas after my last one. With a Cadillac margarita. Seriously.
OMG my eyes are watering and one eyelid is twitching. Rogue pantyliners?
That is possibly worse than looking down the V-neck of your sweater in 7th grade to discover that the wadded-up Kleenex from your training bra has begun working its way out into public view.
And also, "chopping therapy" is a vastly underutilized form of stress relief, in my opinion.
Mrs. G,
Don't have any words of wisdom regarding the colonoscopy except Good Luck. And, you're doing the right thing. If there's one thing I do like about this crazy, expensive Health Care Overhaul is the preventative care part of it. It just makes sense....if you fix the little things before they become big things, lives (and, less importantly, money) can be saved.
Never lost a panty liner, but once, in college, I noticed this odd bulge in my jeans leg during class one day. Turns out I dressed hastily that morning and neglected to remove the previously worn panties from the rumpled pile only to discover they had lodged themselves in my jeans. AWKWARD.
I only shared the panty liner story because I feel it is still my job to "lower the bar for women everywhere."
littlemama, yes, awkward.
Thanks for the colonoscopy support. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I imagine but still...I had hoped to die with a spotless record.
Mrs. G., please don't take this the wrong way but I appreciate that you always make me feel slightly more normal. Thank you for this gift!
I'm with you on unplugging from the news. You always make me smile.
Phrases like "Ballpark of her butt" are what keep coming me coming back. Woman, you don't lower the bar. You lower feeling isolated and loony.
Never had a colonoscopy so I can't advise. I can only wish you well and say that it will be over before you know it. I think.
You're wise to unplug. I have to do that sometimes. I need a complete media cleanse or else I start to feel really despondent by the state of the world.
I have had the problem of the feminine product in the pants leg and as a teen, the FP floating in the pool (my mom though tampons were for sluts). Oh Lordy, being a woman is a full time job!
Okay, so, I have a theory. You know how we've had this conversation about how things get lost and found in cleavage? Well, did you check, erm, "center field"? Just sayin'... I am by no means speaking from personal experience. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Also, I second Aunt Snow. The procedure is nuthin'. Although, funnily enough, I ran into my doctor at the Chinese restaurant that night after the procedure. I couldn't quite look him in the eye, considering where he'd looked earlier that day. The worst part of the ordeal is drinking the fluorescent liquid. All ten million gallons of it. I sound like I'm exaggerating, but I can assure you that I'm not. Ten Million. Definitely plan for a really nice meal afterwards.
I feel like this might be the only place that I will ever share this information:
I have lost an overnight maxipad with wings,not once,but twice.
My husband thinks this is horrifying/hilarious.
I am just glad to know that I am not the only one,thanks Mrs.G!
For what it's worth, I once got stranded at Sea-Tac overnight due to a holiday snowstorm, and since I can't sleep in public/on any sort of moving vehicle, I was awake all night and put on a Greyhound over Highway 9 the next afternoon to Spokane. By the time I got to Spo-town, I felt so grungy that I took my suitcase into the bathroom, splashed a face refresher, changed my uns and bra and went out to get some snacks from the gift shop.
I walked in and headed toward the magazine racks to do a little perusing. After about five minutes, I hear one of the two female clerks squeal in this gutteral yet piercing sound, "AAHAMGAAYAHGOAOODOAOAOD!!!," watch her walk around the counter with a large wad of paper towels in hand, bend over and pick up my worn underwear off the tile entrance.
To this day, I don't know how they engineered the Andy Dufresne from my suitcase/pantleg/hairdo??...but I'd already committed to buying something...no way out. I was blushing so hard I *KNOW* they knew it was mine, but I said nothing. Face (and ass) must at least attempt to be saved, right?
Hugs Mrs. G!!!
The good news about the colonoscopy: if it's clean, you get to skip the one you were supposed to have at 50! Woohoo for the silver lining.
Ah...the joys of feminine hygiene. While I don't think I have ever lost a panty shield (if I forget, I tend to wash and dry them them, then find the rascal attached to a shirt)....I have had one bite me. This phenomena occurs when there's a separation between the panty and adhesive and no brazilian.....yikes.
My greatest faux paux occured when, at work, I changed from my usual sturdy bra into a sports bra for exercise. Well, I left the bra hanging in the restroom at work for two days. Of course, this wasn't a pretty, lacy thing.....but and old, comfy, raggedy thing. Those I exercised with had to know it was mine, I still can't belive I did it.
Ah, Mrs. G - welcome to The Fun of Getting Older - The Colonoscopy! Don't worry, by the time you're done with the prep you won't care what the hell they do. And you WILL be under.
Tip: the prep goes better if you put yourself on a soft, liquidy diet (think soups and puddings) non-meat if you can manage it, for the two days before the prep begins. As a friend of mine says, less in, less out.
A good friend once told me the story of her missing thong. It was red and very sexy, but went missing. One day her husband was walking across his very important board room in front of some very important people in a meeting when suddenly he felt something drop down his leg and onto the floor. In front of the boardroom crowd, his wife's very red and lacy, sexy thong was lying in the middle of the room. Somehow it had gotten tangled inside his pant leg, and decided to make an appearance that day. He quietly scooped down, picked it up and stuck it in his pocket. He brought it home for her, but after the thunderous round of laughter from the crowd. Needless to say, she never washed her delicates with his clothes after that day! Sorry to hear about the missing liner...I'm sure it too will turn up...maybe stuck to something other than what it was intended for!
I'm with you on unplugging from the news.... I found myself yelling at NPR, which was just telling me what the Republican Train-wreck had said. I still love you, NPR, I just need a break....
Holy moley, Mrs. G!
I have some very glamorous ass issues so I'm more than familiar. The worst of it IS the million gallons of stuff they make you drink. You'll have a new appreciation for that scene in Dumb & Dumber where Harry is on the pot. It will hit very close to home. http://www.amazon.com/Original-Fart-Machine-Remote/dp/B0006L1ILI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329918864&sr=8-1
Also, get one of these from Spencer Gifts for after. http://www.amazon.com/Original-Fart-Machine-Remote/dp/B0006L1ILI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329918864&sr=8-1 You can put it under Mr. G's seat on the couch so you won't be the only one being "musical" later that day. Enjoy the fart-o-rama. I always do.
I've never had a rogue liner but, like Trudy, have been bitten. Womanhood rocks!
Woops. Posted the fart machine link twice. Meant to post the Dumb & Dumber clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7l6jg4Hlog
I'll keep my eyes open for the missing panty liner; who knows how far they travel? Perhaps it felt unwelcome, being too close to your butt?
I had my first colonoscopy last month and will hold your hand. After reading everything I could find about suggestions to make the prep better, I can offer a few tips that worked for me. Chill the hell out of the liquid ahead of time; you can mix it up a few hours before you need to drink it. Keep it chilled for the hour that you're drinking it; I had it on ice in the bathroom with me. Use a straw, so that it hits the back of your palate and it won't taste as bad. (Still not yummy, but doable.) A tip I didn't use, but also sound promising: keep a hard candy or altoid in your mouth while you drink it. (Nothing red, as you should skip dyes so your colon stays natural.) Good luck! You can do it, and we'll all give you a standing ovation.
I don't check into the 24 hour news cycle myself. I read a newspaper every day and breaking stuff that's crucially important (like the tragic passing of pop icons) shows up in my friends' posts on facebook.
No experience with the colonoscopy thing, but hope everything comes out all right!
Re: #1 avoiding current event blogging
I have come to the same conclusion, that I must avoid a number of sites, some very good, because my internal chemistry is negatively affected.
Good luck. I've watched my husband go through the prep a couple times. No fun, any of it, but you'll get through it.
Oh Lord, it certainly can be a trial being a female. I've had my share of minor and major oops moments. My daughter is participating in a performance event where the official uniform for the weekend is the event t-shirt and white pants. White pants!? Between all the less than pristine places they're likely to be sitting/hanging out, as well as the possibility of rogue whatever, I cringe for them.
It's still better than Sarah Palin "going rogue". And by "going rogue" I mean having any influence over anything, ever. Your panty liner has more important things to say than that woman. Things like, "Nobody puts me in a corner. And by corner, I mean Mrs. G's granny panties."
I once went to work with a (thankfully) clean pair of panties static clinging to the back of my cardigan. And then there was the time I went to work with a couple of my kids' craft foam letters stuck to the ass of my jeans (an 8 and an S, in case anyone is interested). I'm just classy that way.
I've had the underwear down the pant leg many a time.
I can't stand the political news. I wonder how soon it will be before some male candidate comes out with "Every Sperm is Sacred" as his theme song.
Shannon, that story is hilarious!
I'm not sure I've had such laundry or liner mishaps, but in my house you have to go outside and downstairs to get to the laundry room. We found it easier to drop the full hamper of dirty clothes over the railing of the deck to the pavement below, in stead of lugging it down. There is a tree growing next to the deck, and one weekend somehow a tree branch snagged a pair of my husband's tighty-whiteys from the hamper, and they hung there in the tree like a flag until we noticed them.
Aunt Snow, that is a hilarious image!
Rogue panty liners usually end up in the washer or dryer. Check your lint trap :-)
My cheap ass (no pun intended) insurance won't even cover a colonoscopy, they do some sort of short-cut-oscopy but I agree with Aunt Snow that the prep is the worst part and you get to do that in private.
I am laughing hysterically about the Carefree little bastard. Carefree - snort.
Okay, I heard (on NPR! sorry) that research has shown that the much vaunted colonoscopy does not yield better results than what they used to use (some rectal something-or-other - essentially, someone's finger up your butt, but with none of the horrid preparation). But so many clinics, etc., are set up for colonoscopies and make so much money from them that it is hard to turn the ball around on this trend (mixed metaphor, sorry). In other words, massive medical boondoggle.
Also, if you want to come out here and finish dealing with the head lice for me, I'll do your colonoscopy for you. Deal?
Re the colonoscopy: By the time you hit the table and get the drugs, you won't CARE! As someone who shares your squeamishness for that particular body part, I can assure you, you really won't care. (I once told my obstetrician that he could make the whole next 7 months a lot easier if he would tell me right now I didn't have to have an enema!) The prep induced anxiety of the whole thing are way worse. At one point during my colonoscopy the nurse took my hand to move it and I said to her, "Could you just hold my hand for a bit?" I knew the moment I spoke those words that I was more doped up than I thought!
I lost my husband to colon cancer...get the colonoscopy and don't look back!
I can't stop giggling over the panty liner... You have no idea how badly I needed something to laugh about today.
I had my first colonoscopy a few months ago, and you may recall the mental and emotional chaos I was in during the weeks and days leading up to it. So here's my experience: If you can get the prep solution that is taken in 2 doses, 12 hours apart, I highly recommend that one! You still have to drink the equivalent of a gallon of fluid, but 3/4 of that gallon is strictly water or clear liquids. The nasty stuff is only one large glassful each time and not too difficult to choke down. It was worth the co-pay. Okay, so drinking the prep is awful, and whining is allowed. (I asked, but you are not allowed to add booze to make it more palatable Sorry.)
At the risk of being TMI, the whole experience is made to sound worse than it actually is --this is not diarrhea. True, you will end up spending significant time on the throne, but it is PAIN-FREE. Just bring a book with you when you go. You'll be there a while. And flush a lot -- gotta make use of your new sewer system, right? ;) Seriously, it was so good to be cleaned out that I'd do it every couple of months if I could -- but the drinking solution is prescription-only.
As for the actual scope, well, if you can get around the problem of baring your butt to a complete stranger, you hardly see the doc because you are laying on your side facing away from him/her. After it was over, I went home, had a little clear broth that was left over from the night before, slept all afternoon, and had no gas troubles whatsoever.
If the doc finds something, then you will be glad you caught it early; if the doc says you are clear and good-to-go, it is an incredibly light and freeing moment.
Except for the excellent discussions here, I have shielded my eyes and brain from the sh!tstorm that passes for politics in this country. I've got enough crazy going on in my own head -- I don't need any more fodder than I've already got.
Just to clarify... I wouldn't want to get a colonoscopy several times a year!!! I was just referring to the clean feeling just before the event. Egads, that sounds terrible...
I am a colon cancer survivor. 15 years and counting. Needless to say, I am an expert at colonoscopies having had many. The prep is not fun, stay within six feet of an available toilet. Eat lightly a few days before and drink plenty of water before. The more hydrated you are the better you will feel. When it is over eat whatever you want and celebrate the milestone. By the way, if it's done right you won't feel or remember a thing. Good luck and I will send out good thoughts.
Hi Mrs. G!
I've had two colonoscopies and just want to say that though the prep is a drag - the drugs they give you are AMAAAAZING!
xoox
There must have been a little TMI in my previous attempt at posting but the gist was - 'hang in there Mrs G' and '15 yo girl, full changing room, wadded loo roll, pantyliners hadn't been invented then, post PE class changing, me too mortified to look anywhere near where the evil killerbitch girls were pointing at the floor'.
glad you're going for the colonoscopy......for your own health and...... for me, since i'm going to get one after the vacation....so much fun scheduled for around my birthday, i can hardly wait. ugh. i'll be more prepared for what is going to happen (already have learned so much!) and if all else fails, i can just think of all the funny stuff that will be discussed here and i'll feel a bit better...kind of like "internet hand-holding.
and....in the fashion of aunt snow's rogue tighty-whitees....have had, on more than one occasion, underwear flying into various neighbors' yards because i forgot to bring in the laundry before a storm. you'd think i'd learn, would you? (and it's never the really nice or sexy pairs that decide to fly either....why is that?)
Love, Love, Love Ru Paul's drag race. It will always make you laugh because it is so over the top.
today I needed laughter and I am laughing so hard at you all that I am crying......good grief it is so nice not to be alone.
my daughter when she was about 5 placed a panty liner in each of her shoes. I laughed and laughed when i picked up her shoes and found the imprint of those sweet, chubby feet on those liners. So freaking cute.
I have found these things do go through the wash just fine.
As far as your a**- the drugs are worth it- but I could not eat for two days after.
Worthless I was.
When I came to the whole room was laughing-seems I was pretty damn funny.
Bonnie took my intended comment:
"I've had two colonoscopies and just want to say that though the prep is a drag - the drugs they give you are AMAAAAZING!"
The first one was when I was in my mid 30's ... back then the only prep was fasting the day before (which happened to be Easter Sunday) and Fleet Enemas ... the doctor who performed it had done a sigmoidoscopy on me the week before so I had already "presented myself to him," so to speak. He also happened to be one of the most attractive men I had ever seen, which made both procedures even more degrading (which is the term he initially used to describe the undesirable nature of the procedure) ... but once the IV started, it was, as Bonnie described, AMAAAAZING. I don't know what they use, but it's the only anesthesia I don't dread. And that 30 year old memory is what got me through the disgusting prep the last time a couple of years ago. Still AMAAAAZING after all these years.
Love the image of the yellow bell pepper ... I've felt that way more than a few times the last couple of weeks ... and I just can't seem to pull the plug, glutton for punishment that I am.
AHHHH---what Dear Gil Grissom calls "the secret lives of women."
Just after Chris and I were married, he gave me opera tickets and a beautiful outfit to wear for the evening. It was black crepe slacks, with a white charmeuse over-blouse---long sleeves and black velvet yoke---I felt positively regal.
When I bathed in the afternoon, I just put on a T-shirt and shorts over bra and panties to dry my hair, saving pantyhose and beautiful bra and camisole until time to depart. We later got all dressed, went to DINNER, then the Eight-O'clock performance.
We mingled, and I imagined I could feel lots of eyes on the striking figure I must present, with that gorgeous get-up and all. At intermission, I made my way slowly amongst the exiting crowd, then stood in line chatting with this lady and that, as people circulated around us in the lobby. I finally entered stall, dropped trou, sat, and THEN I felt a tickle on the outside of my bare thigh.
I moved my arm to the side, looked. Nothing. Resumed posture, felt that little sneaky tickle on BOTH sides, this time.
And looked down to see that BOTH BRA STRAPS were hanging out below my blouse attached, of course, to the forgotten bra I'd dislodged from my shoulders to take off, but had not unsnapped, leaving it dangling half-mast from around my waist through most of FAUST. In front of people dressed in furs and jewels and dresses that cost more than my first house.
So, ponder: Is losing and leaving behind unnoticed as bad as parading around the Opera House with the evidence hanging out on both sides like donkey panniers? Please tell me You Win.
Rachel, I can not tell a lie. "donkey panniers"--you are such a delightful writer. Let's just both keep our dignity and call it a draw. xxoxo
"Ah...the joys of feminine hygiene. While I don't think I have ever lost a panty shield (if I forget, I tend to wash and dry them them, then find the rascal attached to a shirt)...."
This gave me my first laugh of the day, thank you so much!