Friday
Jun242011
Weekend Witness!
Friday, June 24, 2011 at 4:03PM Mrs. G. 
Need an ear, a shoulder, a slug of scotch or a fellow sister to attest, affirm, bear witness, uphold or verify your good, your bad, your ugly? You can't experience life without feeling it and in Mrs. G's experience, you can't feel it without out sharing it, both the cool and the oh so uncool. Let's lift each other up.
All you have to do is pull up a chair, unhook your bra get comfortable, plant your feet and testify.
Photo: Woman with Basket of Mandarins, Australia, 1920-1930, no copyright. Courtesy of the Flickr Commons
tagged Back Talk, weekend witness
Back Talk, weekend witness
Reader Comments (73)
I suppose I'll start. I can't really expect everyone else to testify if I'm holding back. I found out today that a huge chunk of what I believed is my childhood history and has affected many potential relationships is filled with many significant lies. Trying to make sense of this and figure out what the statute of limitations is on being blown apart by revelations from so long ago. It's been a bad day.
Those look like huge mandarins!
I have nothing to complain about - I'm enjoying our stay in London so far. Ate an incredible meal at a Pakistani restaurant last night in Whitechapel.
Contemplating a walk to a market to buy food for a picnic in the park.
I'm sorry Mrs. G. Sounds like you will have much to process in the coming days. Hugs and support and thoughts flying to you over the top of the north pole from London.
My husband got really angry with me last weekend during an argument and told me he wanted a divorce.
I was in a blind panic.
He eventually apologized later.
I am leaving anyway.
I have no family, and only a few friends, none of whom could help long term. Not that I would ever ask.
I have a handicap. I can care for myself, but my doctors have said that I can't work. Most days it's pretty obvious, so I doubt I could get or keep a job. And I could never make enough to get insurance or afford treatment.
My health relies on doctors,medicines and machines. No diagnosis has ever scared me this much.
But I'd rather be homeless than terrified of being made homeless. Reality can't be worse than fear.
I can't let him take what little control I have left.
Being without medicine and machines may be bad, but it is going to be better than being scared.
I feel oddly calm and deeply relieved about this.
Mrs G, I am sending you thoughts cross country for peace, and comfort, and understanding. And strength.
Anon y mouse - sending you the same, wherever you are.
It's been a rough few days emotionally for me. But nothing earth shattering, just sadness. It was my sisters birthday (twins) this week, and the realization that it was the first without my mom....
Holy cats, anon y mouse, wow. Best wishes, sheesh! I feel pretty deeply that people, esp. spouses, need to be good to each other, and I wish your husband would shape up!
Mrs. G, Its hard to process when your sense of who you are and where you fit gets turned on its head. Sorry its happening to you, but wishing you good thoughts as you work your way through it. Anon y mouse please know you're in my thoughts.
Wow, Mrs. G. That's quite a thing to wrap your mind around. Good luck processing that and know that we're all here to support you. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Best of luck to you anon y mouse. You sound like a very strong person, disability or no. Please let us know how it all turns out.
Gary, I agree. It's unnerving to think that anon y mouse has been put in a situation that she has to choose homelessness over what should be a safe environment.
Mrs. G. ... sending you virtual hugs and strength to deal with this new revelation.
Met with my surgeon this past week and still feel so unsure... so I'm wondering if anyone has personal experience or knowledge about the outcome of a spinal fusion surgery that they can share? I am so tired of being in pain but also worry about the risks of causing another, more serious problem. I've tried other therapies with no success so this is it. But it is a scary "it" -- mighty scary.
Deborah, My FIL had that surgery and it turned out really well. He was really nervous about it but after recovery was so pleased with the results.
Mrs. G, I'm sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I've been there myself and it's tough, but I know you'll get through it.
Anon y mouse, I am so sorry that you're having to face such a difficult decision. I admire your courage, and hope that you land safely and securely. Please, please do let us know how it all turns out.
As for me, this is the first day of my week-long vacation. I'm going to do some heavy duty house cleaning and make chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter buttercream frosting, all in preparation for my son's 11th birthday party tomorrow. When the party is over, I'm going to go hide and have a good cry over the fact that my baby is truly no longer a baby.
I've written this post 3 times now in my head. I feel so small and petty. I am so jealous of some long time friends who are on a great trip to Latvia and the UK. Their pictures are incredible and they look like they are having a great time. They are huge Harry Potter and Dr. Who fans.
I'm jealous because I don't think we will ever be able to do a trip like that. For one, the finances. There is no way, in the foreseeable future, that we could afford a trip like that. Second, there's the whole son with autism thing. Their daughter is 6 months older than my son. Most of the time, really pretty much all of the time, I accept K for who he is and I revel in what he can do. Ok. That sounds condescending. I guess I mean I don't sit around wishing for something else. K is a cool kid. A really great kid. But, sometimes, especially after a few very Autism Days, when I see pictures of happy families doing things that we will probably never be able to do... well, let the pity party commence. And the requisite emotional eating.
Deborah, spinal surgery has come a long way. I had a complicated lumbar spine procedure years ago that would be done in a snap now. You've done your due diligence. Sending you many good wishes for a LOT less pain soon.
Anon, dear woman, I hope your sense of calm continues to sustain you.
Mrs G, it popped into my head this might have something to do with your estranged brother. In any case, I hope you can get answers to your questions, enough to allow you to sort this out in your head and settle your spirit.
Nothing new here, still slogging through getting my late in-laws' house ready for sale, still seething over people who don't come and help yet feel it's appropriate to show up next day and help themselves. I suppose there's one in every family.
Mrs. G, my world was flipped on it's side more than a dozen years ago and eventually we worked our way through it. In the end, I will say that I'm in a much better place. Certain persons have been removed from my life forever and I have no regrets.
For me, I'm hoping for a day free of sick children, sick husband and (fingers crossed) it won't catch me on it's way out the door. Yesterday, I fell asleep on the kitchen floor while playing with the baby and didn't even realize he had crawled away. It's been a long looooong week.
Mrs. G, can't imagine what you found out that is more shocking than some of the things you've already written in your clear-eyed recollections of your growing up.
I know one of the worst ways you can cheer someone up is to point out that other people have it worse. But somewhat in that vein, pick up a copy of Jeannette Walls wonderful memoir, The Glass Castle. She had what, on some hands was a horrific childhood dragged around the country and through unimaginable poverty by two aimless, selfish, childlike parents. Yet, she focuses, without judgement, on the magic of that life and the closeness with her brothers and sisters. I won't be giving anything away to say they all turned out okay. It's a surprisingly uplifting book and you end it feeling that we'll be able to overcome just about anything.
Anon y mous, hoping you find a support system. And also hoping you don't do anything rash. Your husband may have spoken very cruelly, but a lot of stupid things are said in anger. The fact that he apologized may show that he had no intention of letting you suffer on your own.
I want to send everyone love and wishes for easier days.
Mrs G, whatever this latest revelation is, I do hope that you come out even stronger, I mean... if you gotta go through it, you'd better get something good out of this. *hug* I wish that I could think of something more comforting to say.
Anon y mouse, I really feel for you. For reasons of health, I am 100% dependent on my husband. I can't work either. There were times when I thought I'd like to toss him out on his ear (for mostly being a moronic guy), but I feel very fortunate that we've been able to work things out. (We have been married nearly 22 years.) Still, it's scary because if something happened to him... we don't even have life insurance. I haven't been declared disabled because I have a finite amount of energy, and pursuing that just isn't feasible at the moment.
But, about you... *hugs* You are very brave. I hope that things work themselves out, whichever way that they should go and I do hope that you'll check back in and let us know.
xoxoxo to anyone that needs an extra hug or smooch.
Mrs. G, thanks for sharing your confession. Hopefully you'll be able to make peace with whatever it is you've found out. I know it doesn't necessarily help, but it sounds like you do have a lovely life now and that you've given your children a wonderful childhood as well. That's a big accomplishment.
Anon, please don't just up and leave. Are there any agencies in the area that could help you? Maybe try talking to someone at your doctor's office and see if they have any resources that could help you in terms of medical care and a place to live. Are you able to go on medicaid? I'm terrified for you. I'm not sure to what extent you rely of meds and machines, but I just hope that going without them isn't a death sentence for you. You'll be in my thoughts this weekend.
Nothing bad this week, but a funny. I had what I thought was a grad school anxiety dream where my professor looked at some notes I had for a paper then laughed and told me that wasn't going to cut it. I shared it on facebook and three of my friends, who are in grad school or just graduated, told me that's actually happened to them. EEEK! I'm really going to have to step up my game.
So, my son died in utero at 38 weeks. Clean autopsy, nothing wrong with either of us, and he was fine at an ultrasound 24 hours before. After a miscarriage and 2 years of trying, and finally fertility treatments, we thought we were home free. Not so much.
I have done a really good job being cheery, starting a new job closer to home with a much more positive environment, moving on with my life because, honestly? I don't really see any other option. Monday was the 4 month anniversary of his death, and I have been off all freaking week. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and just want to sleep for a few days and wake up over it all again. Yes, I've seen a counselor. I just feel like there is so much expectation from everyone around me that since I've been OK thus far, I should continue to be. Especially my husband, who lost his father at age 11 and then lost his first child. But - NOT OK. I just needed to tell someone that I've been on the verge of tears all week, AND I WORK WITH BABIES AND CHILDREN. I need a darned mental health day (or month), but there's the whole new job thing?
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch, Mrs. G. Of course I can't assume to know or understand what is happening, but if anything, please remember what you've always told us in the homeschooling/parenting front: 'We do the best we can. We do the best we can.'
Perhaps this was the case also with those who lied to you? They were maybe doing what they thought was best. Big hugs to you!
I've got nothing to complain about so I'm sending love and good juju to you all.
We just cashed in a life insurance policy that we've been paying on our estranged 29 year old daughter. I still feel like I've done something terrible and will somehow be punished for it.. We received a horrible e-mail before Christmas last year that came out of nowhere that brought me to my knees. Then she eloped with the live-in I affectionately call the doorstop as he is a deadbeat dad and does not work and is close to 40. We learned of the marriage through an innocent conversation with my in-laws who were told after the fact. We flew to our niece's wedding where she was an attendant and she actively ignored us the entire the time. Fortunately I waited until we were in the car before the sobbing began. Cashing in the life insurance policy seemed like a retaliation for that. Yesterday I received the thank you note for the gift card we sent for her birthday. In it she wrote it was too bad we didn't get to spend more time together at the wedding. I do not understand how she justifies accepting our gifts when she does not so much as even send a text to acknowldge birthdays and holidays. I can't seem to get past that the wonderful family I devoted my youth too is so destroyed. Sigh.
The good news: a week ago we were in Vancouver BC for a family wedding. The trip was downright magical - Vancouver is a wonderful city and we had a better time than I ever could have hoped for. I really would like to go back and spend more time there.
The bad news: my mother died very suddenly yesterday. Not completely unexpectedly; she had a plethora of health problems, but they were the kind where she could go now or be here for many more years with them. I'm not sure how I feel about any of it, and I'm not pressuring myself to feel anything. We still don't know exact cause of death or even what city I need to fly to because I have conflicting information from different family members. So I'm living in the question and going through with my plans for this weekend because really, what else is there to do? I'll act when there is concrete information to act on.
But it's like other deaths in the family that I've experienced - very, very surreal right now.
Mrs. G, that stinks that someone told you some big whoppers concerning your childhood! I hope you can work through this and come out on the other side with a stronger self truth; I know you will. I'm sending tranquil vibes your way.
P.S. On the bright side, this new revelation will make for some good writing fodder. (Go ahead and swear at me if you'd like, it's ok) that's what I tell myself about my dad being gay and my parents getting divorced and my mom marrying a mushroom eating (yah, THAT kind of mushroom), unemployed dude, amongst other things. Interesting people are made by lives filled with crisis; that's what I think.
I was going to come back on here and vent about something that has been bothering me, but after reading some of these comments I would just feel horribly ungrateful. To k-anon, my heart breaks for you. To sharon, geeeez! That sounds like such a difficult situation. Hopefully the money goes towards you need....like margaritas. And to TC, I hope you and your family are going to be ok.
I am overwhelmed right now by a plethora of feelings and events that I don't have the energy to catalog. I am sorry to read in the comments above that so many others are struggling too.
But : Tonight I am going to a rare and long-planned 'girls' get-together at a friends' house. While I'm really not in the mood to attend, I will try to enjoy it. And I will be privately raising a glass to Mrs. G. and fellow Colonists. Here's to some peace and resolution and happier times in the days ahead. Hugs (and a glass of sangria) to all those who need it.
Thanks for the kind words. I'll be fine once the intitial shock wears off. Already shaking it off.
TC, I'm sorry about your mother.
Anon, before you resign yourself to homelessness (and I admire your bravery), talk to a lawyer!!! You have rights to fifty percent of everything. Find a social worker, pastor, anyone to steer you in a safer direction. Good luck.
Reading all the other comments just affirms that life is a battefield. I know Pat Benatar said love was a battlefield but I'm expanding the metaphor for today's purposes. There should be a self-help book on how to deal with life's problems with music from the eighties.
We just keep on truckin', right?
10-4 Mrs G.
Love to all fellow Derfs. Be good to yourselves ladies and Gary.
Mrs G, speaking of Pat Benatar, when we were kids, my mom played the album, "Crimes of Passion" a lot. My sister is six years younger than I am, so she must have been about four at this time. I'll never forget her sitting on the swing at our grandmum's house and singing, "hell is for children". It was a very shocking, difficult-to-explain moment.
My birthday was Wednesday, so I took a half day that day and a full day Thursday and headed up to the mountains of NH with Dave. We saw foxes! rainbow trout! Dave grilled steak! and corn! We had carrot cake! and we did something neither of us had done for years! Today (Friday) I'm back to work...but I leave in the morning for a week's vacation down the cape (that's Cape Cod to you non-New England folk), so really, I have nothing to complain or bitch about. Love you all!
City sewer backed up into our basement. I now know the sound a stack of boxes makes when it topples over because the bottom boxes are saturated with shit water.
Sigh.
My husband is on day 3 of a ten day work week, during which he is out of town for five days, unreachable in the middle of nowhere, providing emergency medical care to those at a music festival here in Oregon. I really wish he was at least available via phone as I'm anxiously awaiting word back from underwriters of our home loan (we're first time homebuyers) and I'd like to be able to vent to him about how long its taking.
Oh, and I probably have a tapeworm. The doc won't give me medication til tests come back next week, but he's 99% sure based on the .... evidence. I feel so disgusting.
I just had to delurk to get that off my chest, thank you :-)
My family is embroiled in a long, sordid legal battle with an organization actively dragging our name through the mud. We've made some progress in righting some wrongs, but not the kind of change that needs to or should happen. After the latest setback, we're likely going to end the fight. The whole thing makes me hate humanity. I'm glad to know, however, that there are kind-hearted people left in this world.
Hugs to everyone today. Thanks.
It makes me sad there is so much hurt in the world. Thoughts, prayers, and good wishes to you all.
My sister got laid off today. She's going to be OK and is actually a bit relieved and looking at good options like a PhD, but still, it sucks.
After reading everyone else's posts today, am feeling very petty - but I am hoping someone else knows and understands WTF is going on.
I think perimenopause has started. The word "inhuman" comes to mind.
My family thinks I am nuts. My coworkers are barely speaking to me.
While there are no hot flashes - I feel like Ghost Rider - a flaming skull wanting to bash someone with flipping chain.
I am a bawling, highly irritable, anxiety filled, paranoid mess.
I am also experiencing decreased sound tolerance - so all of the fidgeters in the office are on my hit list. Their foot & pen tapping, humming, whistling & chip crunching are like nails on a chalk board.
I have let them know that I am having a problem and I have been told "GET OVER IT" and that if I need to go on meds - I better go get them - cuz they are not stopping. I have started wearing earbuds and listening to background music - and that helps - but it is harder to do my job.
I feel helpless - as it has become the elephant in the room at work. I am worried about getting fired. I feel like no one understands and that I have turned into a total freak.
Help.
and a huge hug to k-anon
My husband finally chose me over pot (at least for now), so with that huge relief off my shoulders, I'll merely send good, positive energy to everyone else. Much love.
I feel like I've jinxed myself now, so I'll add that it's taken many long, hard months of marriage to get here. Therapy and medication are helping us so...keep your fingers crossed.
Embarking on a 5 hour drive for my #1 niece's graduation. Just popped in to see what everyone was up to.
Sending hugs and a few moments of sanity this weekend.
Big cyber hugs to all of you. It makes me want to cry when I read these posts and realize how strong you all are -- we all are. You derfs are an amazing group of ladies, you deal so well with situations that would bring me to my knees. I'm moved by all of you. I'm hoping for good karma for all of you.
#4's Graduation was very, very nice. Not so nice however, was having to deal with a flooding basement and purchasing a new dehumidifier beforehand. Even less nice was discovering that someone had taken #4's bag from the auditorium while everyone was attending graduation. So, in addition to a new dehumidifier, I've also had to purchase a new phone, have a locksmith make a new key for her car and order a new driver's license. Annoying yes, but at least this all occurred at a time when financially we are able to cover everything. And, really, my life isn't bad and I'm blessed to have all five girls home for a weekend!
Extra hugs to everyone this week!
Fuck a Duck.
My rant is nothing compared to some ladies here.
Sending good mo-jo to everyone.
Thanks, Mrs. G. I hope that you can integrate the reframing of many of your childhood events and come out stronger for it all. It's got to be very jarring.
@wineinmyglass: please rant away. Sometimes it's the little stuff that drives us the craziest, or ends up being the biggest anchors in a storm.
Just got back from my son's sports day at school and I feel down that I don't have any "buddies" among the parents. I work full time so don't get the before and after times and even though I volunteer for the PAC (PTA), it has so many long time members that it is hard to break into the clique. Feels like another version of highschool. I hate that I long to be liked, but it is lonely to be there sometimes.
First of all, HUGE HUGS to everyone here who is dealing with major shit. You know who you are. And - this is not a contest, or a comparison site, so if that's you, then ***********HUGS************
Women put up with so much, I swear. And then menopause hits!
As for me, I have good news and bad news. Bad first, so I can finish on a high note.
Back in November, I went to an orthopedic surgeon to talk about pain in my right hip that turned out to be bursitis, brought on by years of uneven walking due to mild scoliosis. Since then I've been wearing a 1/4 inch lift in all my left shoes. A few weeks ago, my feet began to hurt. Specifically, my right foot. My right heel. I have another appointment with him, but online research tells me this is plantar fasciitis. DamNATION. It hurts like hell. And it hurts every time I put my damn foot to the ground, unlike the bursitis, which only hurt if I tried to walk too much.
I think, I HOPE, it's curable. But I have a nasty feeling it involves squashy old-lady shoes. All. The. Time. And - I'm a Barefoot Girl. Except when I'm going out, when I'm a Pretty Shoes Girl. *Gloom*
BUT. Good news.
Two years ago, my husband and I separated, at my request. It's been a painful two years, full of, of - pain. And apparently, growth, for both of us. I absolutely related to Anon y Mouse on this one. I was terrified, because he's the one with the job that provides health insurance, and I'm a T1 diabetic who taught in a private school (so - no insurance now). But you're right. Sometimes you have to take a deeeep breath and stand up for yourself. So I did. And 6 months ago, he asked if we could "try to talk". Long story short - he's been staying on weekends, and this week the new bed for what will be "his" room was delivered. We bought it together last weekend (because at 60, a bed to yourself is sexy. Really).
I'm in awe that this reconciliation is happening. And I'm proud of myself because I never accepted anger, or blame. Only kept saying "I love you but I need time to think. I love you but I deserve to be treated better than this".
Whew. Apparently I needed to vent to y'all!! Sorry to bend your bandwidth for so long!
I am crying for all the hurt and sadness here today. I'm coming down with a cold, which has apparently brought my emotions very close to the surface. Big hugs for all who need them, and I promise the cyber ones are germ-free.
Mrs.G - Know only this, you are a wonderful person no matter what information has been revealed. Maybe as you sift and sort through the new knowledge it will make other things you have wondered about clearer. Sending hugs, a big glass of wine and thoughts for you to have peace and reconcilliation, OR throw whatever/whoever it is straight out of your life if that is better for your well being.
ANon y mouse- So sorry you are in this scared and lonely place right now but we are here to listen. Start looking into your areas Social Services , they can get you medications and life sustaining equipmental. You won't be homeless or w/o if you explain your circumstances.
I've had an incredibly stressful month at work, from the buildup of a major project/event a few weeks ago (that went really well, yay), to a major problem that I didn't create but am heavily involved in cleaning up. Trying so hard not to take the angst of those involved personally, but I'm not that great at separating myself in that way. If I'm involved, I feel a responsibility to make it better, but in this case, I can't. Also, in this case, there are things that side A doesn't know about what happened with side B, which might change side A's perspective a bit - but I can't tell them anything about it.
Anyway, I'm just venting. But I guess that's what this space is for, right? I'm taking Monday off so I can spend 3 days forgetting about this as much as possible, and will tackle things on Tuesday.
Man, oh man. Reading through everyone's posts today brings tears to my eyes. I hope that at the very least, getting to tell someone about it lifts a little bit of the pressure, pain, fear, stress. I'll be thinking of you all this weekend.