The Red Hot Hole
Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 7:26PM Mrs. G. In their nineteen years of marriage, Mr. G. has supplied Mrs. G. with a consistently reliable backlog of gratuitous and nonessential information— some of which is not bullshit true. It is a long-standing family joke to see who can pull one over on Mrs. G. Who can convince her that Sea Biscuit was a three-legged race horse (he wasn't) or that squirrels are not anatomically equipped to pee (they are).
One night, while watching a Mariner's baseball game, Mr. G. was dazzling Mrs. G. with baseball trivia (the first baseballs were made of yarn and cowhide! the first bats were flat-sided and borrowed from the grame of cricket!) when he looked her right in the eye and disclosed this little chestnut: third base is such a crucial and tempestuous spot on the baseball diamond that it is often referred to by baseball buffs and aficionados as the red hot hole.
Fast forward six months to a suburban little league game where Mrs. G. is trying to fit in with the other parents and convince them that even though she homeschools her kids, she is not a humorless shut-in.
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: that kid really knows how to work third base.
Mrs. G: why yes he does...have I mentioned that I totally believe in evolution?
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: he's setting the entire pace and tone of the game.
Mrs. G: did you know that many baseball buffs and aficionados refer to third base as the red hot hole?
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: ........................................
The man's silence was long enough to induce sweat, his eyes glazed over in the alarming manner eyes do when they suspect they might be staring directly into the face of an unstable humorless shut-in...
or a porn producer.
A three-legged race horse ran over Mrs. G's grave.
Her family had a good laugh. Score.
Real funny.
She sat alone for the rest of the season.
Family, Relationships
Reader Comments (75)
Did you know that lobsters pee out of their heads?
Tee hee... we must band together to make a really, really good one for you to put over on your family... except they read your blog!
Mrs. G... are you telling us that you didn't get even with Mr. G by introducing him to the red hot hole of sleeping on the sofa? Also known as the "doghouse".
Mr. G and my husband have the same sense of humor. Back in his retail days, he had new employees convinced that management wanted the salad dressings shaken several times during the day because the bottles look better when the spices aren't settled on the bottom.
My dirty little mind immediately thought this was going to be something about red-heads......as I am one and have heard something along these lines said........nevermind.
Oh, I bet that was embarrassing!
HA! I hope Mr G does the dishes for the next 10 years for that one.
I totally would have believed it, too. Men are supposed to know crap like that. In fact, until the end of the story, I was thinking I had a new tidbit of information to share.
KEEP BELIEVING
That is hilarious.
Poor Mrs. G.
Ah yes, baseball lingo. I always fall for it too. And sometimes it's TRUE but yet I don't believe.
BTW, I was totally excited to see one of my beloved Astros' player in your picture. Lance Berkman, or as he is often referred to by baseball buffs & aficionados (the women anyway), Lancealot. As in: I ♥ Lance- A Lot!
i'm sorry, but that mr. g? he's pretty cool. but he had to wait six months for the payoff, so there's that.
That is totally and completely something I would do too, so I sympathize -- even while I'm giggling.
Also, I have to apologize for not posting anything about my 5K (and growing, I fear) ass lately. I've had strep throat and two rotten colds in the last month, which means lots of chicken soup and no exercise. Is there a button for the red hot hole of humiliation that we should display on our blogs if we have great INTENTIONS re the whole 5k thing but have inadvertently turned out to be better at sitting on those 5k's than working them? Or can you just tell me that my mojo will come back soon? :)
I hear you, Mrs G. Its a sport in my family to get ole gullible me to believe stuff is true.
Most recently, I learned that the girl I went to school with who I was told had a hysterectomy in year 12 (senior year), has now had her fifth child.
No reference to red hot holes intended!!
Very, very funny. Can't wait to hear how you get him back.
Sitting next to the other parents at baseball games, trying hard to get everyone to like you; it's always a recipe for disaster.
I try so hard to be funny that I end up sounding like a mental patient. Shameful.
Yes, it really is called "The Hot Corner". I hear Dave Niehaus say it all the time.
It's also well-documented here: http://www.webball.com/cms/page1245.cfm and here: http://books.google.com/books?id=afQVWhAm1TEC&pg=PA261&lpg=PA261&dq=baseball+dictionary+hot+corner&source=web&ots=kQWnFvGXr7&sig=FJgn6yiD977or-Zsyi-0JgYSMIc&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result (this is an AWESOME reference book, by the way. Impress Mr. G with your knowledge of the phrase "frozen rope" or "can of corn".
Cheers!
~Leah
my pink toes
Leah, you have made Mr. G. very, very happy. He said he believed someone would step forward and vindicate him.
All I know is that when you google "red hot hole" the only thing that comes up is this post.
Mr. G. thanks you.
Okay, Im okay, I just
FELL OFF OF MY CHAIR HEREEEEEE!!!
you are so GODDAMN funny.
red hot hole. lord.
reminds me of the meatloaf song, paradise by the dashboard light.
one of my faves, no less.
again- its me in the bottom drawer here.
Lisa
coastal nest
Sorry - I meant to say Mr. G was WRONG, but I got what he actually MEANT.
Mr. G - next time you make a mistake, please make it less um uh...pornographic? :)
Cheers!
~Leah
my pink toes
HAHAHA!!! Thank you, Mrs. G!!! This made me laugh good!! :)
I would have totally bought it, but until my husband I was not a big baseball person. My mom thought a grand slam was determined by how high you hit the ball in the air.
Dang...you just reminded me of when I said "four point DUCK" in an archiecture class full of guys I took in college.
So glad this post was about baseball and not about an irritated orifice.
But how many Google keyword searchers will come over looking for the "red hot hole" do you think?
That Mr. G., he owes you a red hot foot rub.
Oh Mrs. G (and Mr. G), this has me literally WEEPING with laughter.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sending this one to my husband. And praying he doesn't get any big ideas.
Oh my god, I just spit on my monitor I was laughing so hard.
Found your blog through the ROFL awards. You are my new favorite!