The Red Hot Hole
Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 7:26PM Mrs. G. In their nineteen years of marriage, Mr. G. has supplied Mrs. G. with a consistently reliable backlog of gratuitous and nonessential information— some of which is not bullshit true. It is a long-standing family joke to see who can pull one over on Mrs. G. Who can convince her that Sea Biscuit was a three-legged race horse (he wasn't) or that squirrels are not anatomically equipped to pee (they are).
One night, while watching a Mariner's baseball game, Mr. G. was dazzling Mrs. G. with baseball trivia (the first baseballs were made of yarn and cowhide! the first bats were flat-sided and borrowed from the grame of cricket!) when he looked her right in the eye and disclosed this little chestnut: third base is such a crucial and tempestuous spot on the baseball diamond that it is often referred to by baseball buffs and aficionados as the red hot hole.
Fast forward six months to a suburban little league game where Mrs. G. is trying to fit in with the other parents and convince them that even though she homeschools her kids, she is not a humorless shut-in.
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: that kid really knows how to work third base.
Mrs. G: why yes he does...have I mentioned that I totally believe in evolution?
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: he's setting the entire pace and tone of the game.
Mrs. G: did you know that many baseball buffs and aficionados refer to third base as the red hot hole?
Unassuming nice man sitting beside Mrs. G. on the bleachers: ........................................
The man's silence was long enough to induce sweat, his eyes glazed over in the alarming manner eyes do when they suspect they might be staring directly into the face of an unstable humorless shut-in...
or a porn producer.
A three-legged race horse ran over Mrs. G's grave.
Her family had a good laugh. Score.
Real funny.
She sat alone for the rest of the season.
Family, Relationships
Reader Comments (75)
Mortifying. Truly mortifying. I hope you are planning your revenge. Let me know if you need any suggestions.
Family jokes on each other, the American way =)
That's a great "gotcha" story.
got yourself a real joker there .. at least someone was amused.. do bees poop honey? was a big thing in our family and there have been other similar things.. family what would we do without them ?
bwahahahahahaha!!!
i have just gasped for air while hysterically reading aloud this whole post to Bulldog, (it's ohk, the kiddos are asleep and he had to lip-read the dodgey parts).
you can imagine...
*snort!* guffaw *lip-read*...
blah blah
he was laughing.
and laughing too.
what's that?
oh, look... a three legged horse!
(they're at the bottom of the globe too)
mwah X
Niiiiiiice. Thanks so much Mr.G. He sounds like my mother, who can tell you the biggest BS story with a straight face...when she really has no idea of the REAL answer. And most of the time we still all nod and take it as a FACT that we repeat all over the place.
I am that kind of gullible, too. It's amazing the kind of mechanical terms MechanicalMan can use with me, and I just bat my girl-lashes and look all doe eyed while my brain explodes inside my head. Whatever you say, honey.
I am not kidding when I say I have heard it called the HOT BOX and the HOT CORNER. I swear I am not making this up, Missus G. Really!
Geez - it's like Lucy pulling that football away from Charlie Brown...again and again and again...
Oh my. did you know that I own a little islan out in the south pacific that is frequented by unicorns?
very funny and worthy of revenge. you know, men who make us laugh, even when the joke is on us, are worth keeping around. i can never tell when mine is laying on the bs and i used to fall for his tall tales all of the time.
Gullible, me too! But I have learned to look everything up!!!
oh, mrs. g. i feel for you.
i once asked a guy to "pass me a johnson." because one of the guys i worked with convinced me that was what everyone in the know called a flat head screw driver! so i think i'm very familiar with the look you got.
it's only in the past few years that I've realized how many things my dad told me when I was growing up that were not true. The problem is that I don't realize it was a trick until I tell someone else about it, usually my husband.
Like how all those hours setting snares with fishing line and waiting behind tombstones to catch a gopher when he pops his head up - really just a way to burn time so my mom could have some piece. And that the cook at his high school - not really named Mrs. Jiletta Fark.
It goes on so long, its more shocking than embarassing.
That's just mean. LOL!
You know what. That's mean. Mr. G is lucky he makes that really good sauce.
You are just the kind of person certain Aussies would talk to about hoop snakes and jump bears.
I wouldn't Mrs G. I promise.
Trying so hard to fit in and then THAT?! I would die, just die.
With experiences like that cannot blame your husband one damn bit. SCORE!! What a hoot. And even if he's sitting around thinking up little known "facts" to share with you--the man definitely has you on his mind:>)
P.S. Lovin' the new look.
Heads up, Mrs. G.
You could have said, "yeah, that boy really knows how to work his red hot hole!"
This reminds me of a woman I was with at a softball game. Someone said something to the ump, "Hey Blue . . ."
The woman looked at me and said, "Isn't that funny? The ump in our last game was named Blue also."
Truly, I was laughing with her.
Still laughing my a** off. Mr. D could've totally done the same thing to me because I knew NADA about that sports when we met. Oh that was a good one. I bet Mr. Derfwad exploded when he heard this!
That's the saddest story ever! Mr. G sounds like one of the guides on our river rafting trip last year!
Oh, Mrs. G. How cruel! Is there any way you can turn the tables on him? What's his greatest weakness?
OH, Mrs G, I am embarassed for you! I completely understand! Once when we were getting ready to leave on a long trip, there was a puddle of something under the car by the bumper. I know NOTHING about cars, so I pointed it out to my husband. He cussed and told me our car was leaking turn signal fluid. I freaked out for a minute before I realized that turn signal fluid does not exist. He still jokes about the turn signal fluid!
We play a similar game with my daughter. Mostly because she always falls for it.
When the kids were 12 and 10 we took them to Disneyworld. When we got off the plane and waited for Daddy to get the rental car, I convinced her we were still in New Jersey. It didn't take much. I'm ashamed to admit how much I enjoyed that.
You could have gotten that one by me if I'd been sitting next to you. I'd have said Uh-huh. That's what I always say when I don't know what I'm talking about.
Darla
Oh, Mrs. G. He gotcha good!
Been contemplating homeschooling myself. Just not sure if I can add even more weird to my personality. Have a hard time convincing people of my sanity as it is.
Did you know the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary? I totally fell for that one.
Have you ever heard of cow tipping? I fell for that one. Pardon the pun.
Hmmmm, sounds like someone needs an extra ingredient in his sandwich, perhaps a Red Hot Pepper?
What Mrs. Smith says. That just begs retaliation. Preferably something painful in the region baseball players usually scratch.
I would have been nodding right along with you. I'm very gullible as well.
GAH! My hubby does the SAME THING....Poops.
I feel for you--I probably would have fallen for it too. I think you need to plot revenge.
Laughing. Hard. But oh, how horrible I feel for you. That would have made me stay in the rest of the season, too!
I am blushing for ya right now.
But I am also laughing, because Mrs. G, it could have been me!
haha! that's a great story.
Oh NO HE DIDN'T! I would find a way to make Mr. G pay!
I laughed through that entire post.
And it reminded me of the time my husband convinced me that there was a one-legged Rockette. He said, "She just hangs on to her sisters in the kickline."
I once heard a speaker retell the tale of how she got her hubby back for just such nonsense.
You know the little sticker that covers the holes in the top of the Comet bottle? She lovingly placed said sticker in the Nether Regions of hub's trousers on the morning of a HUGE meeting. Hehe. Then happened to visit his office, only to see him twitchin' and shimmy'n at the irritant securely fastened to the inner thigh of his pants. *snort*
I've contemplated this very trick many times.
As a youngest child married to a youngest child, we have a pact to NEVER do this to our children. An entire genre of humor LOST to Waffle posterity.
...not that I mind. I'm the kid who had to take a "bear stick" into the woods and was told - often! - that our taps were connected directly to clouds.
Mr. G,
That is just WRONG!
Aw, poor Mrs. G!
When The Hubby and I were first dating, I ALMOST convinced him that I had never passed gas in my life. That was funny. (Yes, we were discussing that when we were first dating.)
Mr. Chili's pastime for many a year has been to try to tell me bullshit stories with such gravity and conviction that I'm meant to believe him (he's actually very good at this little con). This has backfired, however; now, even when he's telling the TRUTH, I don't believe a word the bastid says.
ROFLMAO!
ROTFL SuperDad does the same thing!! I'm guessing Mr. G. was only slightly mortified for you...once he got done laughing hysterically over your humiliating experience.
How long did it take you to laugh over this yourself?
Thank you, Gary, for pointing out that it was only a halfway embarrassing comment.
Before you pass on any info given you by your families's mayhaps you should pass it by us internets's. (or is that familieseses/internetses :)
In the land of sports - where I am no expert - I could have fallen for the same thing.
(Because of the trust and all. And love of my husband who states all things earnestly and with confidence.)
I'm feeling for you...
Sorry Mrs G but you not only took the bait, you swallowed the hook!
If God didn't want them shorn, he wouldn't have made them sheep.
That was ever so gullible of you. Please try to exact some sort of suitable retribution.
Snort. That was just too funny. Sorry!
Mrs. G, honey...You need to get out more.
The Red Hot Hole, huh? Let's just see how much Mr. G. likes living in the Red Hot Hole for a while, shall we?