Future of the Colony


Swedish Londoner Helena of Helena Writes asks: When we all unite at the Womens Colony will Johnny Depp be a frequent visitor? Have you approached him regarding this yet? Does he know his retirement plan is to keep us all happy by his presence? What if he doesn't want to (as if..). What's Mrs G's plan to get Mr Depp involved?

Yes, Helena, Johnny will certainly be a frequent visitor to the Women's Colony, because Mrs. G, thanks to a tip from an observant reader, has uncovered some stimulating and stirring news essential to the Colony's future.



In 2005, Johnny, always the starry-eyed, quixotic idealist, purchased a 35 acre island in the Bahamas which he affectionately named...are you ready for this?


johnnyisland b

F*ck Off Island. For real. This is no joke. Not joking.


When Mrs. G. confirmed this information through one Google search extensive and laborious research, she began corresponding with her beloved. She sent letters and postcards and flowers and photos

johnny letter

His response was passionately brief...


but Mrs. G. knows Johnny well enought to intuit that he is open to the idea of 1,233 middle-aged women congregating on his island to create a utopian society founded on the feminine ideals of peace, lust love and no domestic chores of any kind.


tropical island

And spotless bathrooms. Don't forget the spotless bathrooms.



So, in conclusion, Helena, the future looks bright for the Women's Colony.


red box

By Mrs. G's calculations, we should be able to break ground in about 1, 805 days. But who's counting? Mrs. G. is.



In other words, Helena, start packing. Mrs. G. will see you in the Bahamas.

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Reader Comments (60)

I will volunteer to be one of the scouts to go a few years early just to make sure everything is o.k. Really, I don't mind. I'm a giver.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Boddeker Blog

My not-yet-middle-aged ass will be there. And I'm bringing Colin Firth and Daniel Craig with me. I think the two of them should keep me pretty happy. But, just in case, I'll also bring a box of gourmet chocolate and a case of my favorite books.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenontheedge

That last picture of Depp with his child? THE most wonderful picture ever :-)

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

I love the long and sandy white beach you picked out for my white a$$.

Mrs. G., when Miss G. takes off for college, do call. I've been there, done that and I have plenty of gin. (I prefer vodka, so I will lovingly share my gin. Nothing fills a gaping chest wound like a martini.)


September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCheri @ Blog This Mom!

I have been wondering and wondering about Miss G, and when she was off to the races. I can't wait to hear what that is like. I just can't even imagine it yet. I bet it's going to be sooo hard - and not just because you'll miss her filming capabilities! Oh well. I'm sure you'll tell us when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm gonna go back and look at that Viggo picture again.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadMad

We might need more recruits.

That's a whole lot of women.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

If you need help, I'll bring a shovel and a pick-axe to get things going. I have experience with concrete, too.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

Ohhhhh! I thought you were inviting Dr. Who to the Women's Colony.

He'd be more than welcome!

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre

F*ck off island sounds like HEAVEN.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBananas

I'll bring my toothbrush!

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chili

Things are looking up!

Well, except for Miss G. leaving with the fancy camera.

How does this island fare during hurricane season?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkcinnova

Save me a spot - I've got 15 years to go...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuburbanCorrespondent

I'm relieved that the arrangements are so fool proof. I have arranged for the presence of David Tennant myself (Dr Who) and he will have to speak in his real sexy Scottish accent whilst he is doing my chores and generally accomodating my every whim...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRosie

Mrs. G,
I am wondering whether you'd consider part-timers. I get a couple of weeks off in five years or so.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiriam

Do we dare tell her that her math calculations are off, on the short side? It'll crush her...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElleM

Off topic (mostly): After watching that video of your cute ass and bouncy hair and your giggling interaction with your daughter, I decided through tears that Miss G is taking my heart to college with her, too.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

PS: I'm technologically challenged. That post up above was from me. Love. You.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthematically fickle

I am just wondering if there is any plan in effect on how to share the men. I am afraid there might be mutiny if mass women tried to share favors with the same. And at the same time I would like to put in dubs for Viggo, but only as Aragon.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramyf4


It should be illegal to be that flipping sexy.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Uummm, Mrs. G....
That should be 1825 days for you and then I need to wait another 1095 day until my parenting obligations are over.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

I like that Viggo is welcoming us all directly to the best part of his chest.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKizz

Oh Mrs. G I'm so glad you have it all planned out. Because my desert island dream has always been a vague notion of cute boys and no chores and lots of wine, but see how you've just made it reality? With math, even. Love it.

Can Ewan McGregor please be one of the pool boys? Please? PLEASE?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterI'm Julie

That's some prime real estate. Can't wait.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteri am very mary

I'm ordering the whiskey in bulk. I'll need it to assuage my poor heart as I wait...and wait to join the Colony due to children still in preschool.

Nice touch with Viggo, by the way...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJCK

Oh Goody!! A tropical island - this means of course that I can dive!!!

I'm not an instructor, but I hope to be by the time I retire, so anybody who wants to learn . . .

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy

Since someone has to, I suppose I'll take on the task of bringing along Rachel Maddow, just for you, Mrs.G, because I care ;)

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFortune Cookies

Gotta say that you had me at Daniel Craig, but the Viggo photo...

Maybe you should add a countdown clock to your blog?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteronly a movie

Is that Jon Bonjovi in the last photo? Me Bags Are Packed...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThatGirl

Well, you guys work out the kinks and I'll be there in 17 years...longer if I squeeze out another one...

If my husband bought an island, he'd probably name it the same thing! :)

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMama Nomad

Mmmm, I CAN picture my white ass on that gorgeous beach. And Johnny Depp being there? Icing on the cake!

One more movie left? I'm sorry. I know my time will come in the blink of an eye.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterD...

Five years is nothing (when you consider the alternative...).

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

Make that 1,234 women ... I wanna come along too! I'll be leaving my ass under wraps, however.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe WoodLand School

awww our Johnny is such a luffly daddy X

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkate5kiwis

Oh you and Johnny make we want to f*ck off right now. I too volunteer for recon. For the good of The Colony and all.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterManic Mommy

Pierce Brosnan and I are SOOOO there....I figure we need some more recruits...

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Next Door

There's a part of me that wants to call a travel agent and ask the air fare to Fuck Off Island...just to get a response.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTootsie Farklepants

Now the guy's going to have to rename it F*ck Off Middle Age Female Bloggers Island.

I am a little disturbed by the shot of Viggo...he looks a bit psychotic. Hmm...sorry can't seem to shake it.

I really need to be whisked off to the colony asap! *sigh* I'm faltering here Mrs. G!

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAgent K

Do we have a plan for dealing with Vanessa Paridis? Just in case she's not happy about the whole taking her man thing.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

Yup, I thought the maths was a little off too.
(I'm sorry, that's the way my mind works!)

....then I decided that Mrs G had deducted 20 days for good behaviour.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

Clean bathrooms and lots and lots of crushed ice. Ummmmmm. I'm sorry, I drifted off there for a minute thinking about the cabana boy.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMary Alice

Perfecto! You know I love the Bahamas! Yippee!

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOptimist

I know how true you are to Johnny and all, but I don't want us to rely on the mercy of a man - any man - for the future of the Woman's Colony. Is the island next to F*ck Off Island still for sale? Let's put in an offer.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSaucy

There will be cupcakes, right? I mean, in addition to the Beefcakes.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Julie

I hope you have arranged for Reggie Love to be there?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNora Bee

oh yes huh, he does so want us. you, i mean. he wants you.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkatydidnot

The count down is on the chalk board here! Then, my dear derfwad, my fine ass will be seated right beside your fine ass in that excellent sand. OOOh yes.

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I'm glad to see the countdown has begun.

Unfortunately, I'm not ready to do the math on how long it will take me to get there. Perhaps I could time-share with someone?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGretchen

How much sunscreen do you think I'm going to need?

September 10, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterapathy lounge

Thanks, Mrs G! I'm packing, I'm packing. How many days did you say? :-)

September 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHelena

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