Women's Colony
Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 12:02AM Mrs. G. Many years ago, Mrs. G. and her beloved friend Faye showed up at the same mom's group. They connected instantly, and it didn't take them long to ditch the group (as Mrs. G. recalls many in the group were overly invested in and vocal about just how important they were prior to having children) in favor of a more intimate connection. Mrs. G's three-year-old-daughter adored Faye's three-year-old son, and Mrs. G.grooved on Faye--the years they spent together are some of Mrs. G's most cherished. While Mrs. G. is lucky to have made many dear friends since she and Faye moved to opposite ends of the country, there has never been another friend who Mrs. G. has truly felt got her the way Faye did. And even though Mrs. G. hasn't seen Faye in ten years, she holds Faye in the nook of her heart that she reserves for those rare people who offer unconditional friendship, unconditional love. In other words, if Faye ever flipped her lid and accidentally committed a premeditated murder, Mrs. G. would not only help her move the body, but store it in her freezer until the coast was clear.
During their many days and months of hardcore mothering, birthing of additional babies, sapped marriages and overall weariness, they would frequently talk about the Women's Colony they would retire to when the kids were grown, and the husbands were gone. Just exactly how the husbands would be gone wasn't examined at any length. The fantasy was more about the sanctity of a female refuge for older, tired women who needed some sort of estrogen infused utopia. When times were tough, they would simply utter Women's Colony and nerves would ebb, hope would rally, dinner would make it to the table, children would be bathed, bedtime stories would be read, and, finally, wine bottles would be drained.
The Women's Colony would be in some out of the way place, some little slice of paradise that was off the grid and extremely difficult to access. Men would find it particularly difficult to locate because, without a doubt, they would be required to stop and ask for directions. Like that's going to happen.
It would be a place where women could come to spend their post mothering/wifing/working woman years to live completely as themselves. The selfish pursuit of individual desire and authenticity would be encouraged and allowed--guilt free and without any emotional cost. No scales, no mirrors, fat asses, cellulite, age spots, chin hairs, crows feet and bras optional. For those reluctant to cut all ties with their heterosexual needs, husbands and boy toys gentleman friends could be bussed in on Thursdays and Sundays for conversation and such. Appreciative children, grandchildren and emotionally stable relatives could come to visit every other Saturday and all major holidays.
This Women's Colony would not be any sort of Hee-Haw existence. No one would have to live on a school bus or make hemp hammocks to support her diet of quinoa and tempeh.
Each woman would have an entire floor of a house like this...
or this...
or this.
Faye and Mrs. G. felt strongly that there should be a row of connected rocking chairs on the front porches of the various houses, and each evening, it would be one woman's responsibility to do the rocking. The rest of the women would just sit there and sip cosmos chill.
There would need to be a butler to overlook the running of the house and the division of labor that would not involve any of the women.
After years of full calendars and the juggling the lives of others, every woman's to do list would basically be nothing, nothing and nothing. For those with a need to be productive, they would be free do whatever the hell they wanted. There would be no pairing of socks or locating anything for anybody.
In the Women's Colony, bathrooms would be sanctuaries of solace and joy. No bathtub or toilet scrubbing or dealing with hairs whose origins are too disturbing to contemplate.
There would be creative spaces for each woman: writing and pottery studios and crafting spaces and dark rooms.
Communal dinners would be optional.
But this guy would be the Colony's personal chef. We'll get to the maid and dishwasher momentarily. Bourdain doesn't do dishes.
Fresh organic vegetables,fruits and herbs would be grown right on the property
And, of course, a full-time gardener would be on site.
Oh, and there would be flowers...fields and fields of flowers.
Despite the Colony not having an in-ground pool, a pool boy would be available for serving cocktails, rubbing in sunscreen and gratuitous eye candy.
There would be no no pool, because the ocean would be just a stone's throw away from everyone's houses.
As mentioned earlier, members of the Women's Colony would have no mandatory chores. Those would be completed by the Colony's full-time maid.
Yes, another pristine girl's bathroom. Mrs. G. is willing to admit that the concept of a man-free bathroom was the cornerstone of her Women's Colony fantasy.
Despite the Colony's rural setting, regular house calls would be made by a prominent physician.
And this would be Susan Carlin's personal art studio. Mrs. G. will be disappointed if Susan, her daughter, Professor J, and their dogs don't plan on becoming charter members.
There would be a music room with a roaring fireplace.
And a yoga/meditation space amongst the luscious trees.
And, of course, a library overflowing with books and flanked by overstuffed chairs.
Please forgive Mrs. G's obsessive need to keep returning to the clean bathroom.
In recognition that men need to pee too, an outhouse would be provided. Toilet paper at no extra charge.
All animals welcome.
No shortage of spaces to be alone and spy on the gardener read a good book.
Mrs. G. would assume the responsibility of taking care of the laundry, so it wouldn't take too long before clothing became optional.
Rocking chairs, gardens, beach front property, no chores, clean bathrooms, gourmet food, conjugal visits, hot servants...paradise, people. Female paradise. And in the meantime, when the boss is bitching, the kids are mouthy, the spouse is cranky, the relatives keep reminding you of all the things you could do better, take a deep breath and exhale Women's Colony...Women's Colony.
Who's in?
Arts & Letters, FFicciones, Family, Womankind, Womens Colony
Reader Comments (207)
My friend and I always talk about a quite cottage by the ocean with a handsome firefighter for a neighbor. You have taken it to a leauge I didn't know existed : )
I *completely* agree with what alice c. said. But I'd go a bit further--the entire freaking *internet* was invented SO YOU COULD WRITE THIS POST!
Sign me up! I'm willing to invest at least timeshare sized dollars. 8-)
Dang. If this doesn't sound like Heaven, the I don't know what does.
You have thought of everything.
Packing now.
SK
It should not be OPTIONAL that we attend, but rather MANDATORY. I am SO in. I'll give up my two kids to strangers to be able to come along. Or at least let their father keep them and visit. I guess that sounds better.
But, lordy, lordy. I'm SO there.
I'm there. Glad you're doing the laundry. You seriously covered all the bases!
I don't even know you and I'm in - and I'm bringing friends.
My best friend and I already have plans. We are going to go to J.C. Penney's and buy those shapeless, cotton house dresses with the big pockets and coordinating piping. They shall come down to just above our knees. We'll wear half hose (that come to just below our knees) and house men's house slippers with the big toe cut out.
Our hair will be done up in pink plastic curlers rolled so tightly our eyebrows are pulled up. We want to learn how to chew plug tobacco and talk very loudly pretending no one can hear our comments. We will walk with canes so we can goose people as they pass buy. We'll eat our supper at 3:30 in the afternoon and steal all the packets of sweetner from the table at the restaunt. Oh, we've got big plans....so you see, I don't know if we'll be able to make to the colony or not!
Terri
Sign me up!!!!!!!!As long as I can get some visits ( those kind of visits ) from my husband. Yes, hubby. THat is why I married him. That and his big hands.
Holey moley, I'm at the gate, someone puh-leeese let me in!
Found your blog via Saucy's Bloggedy Blog Blog. The Women's Colony is awesome.
Where do I sign? My tequila is all packed.
Kids are in bed...
Laundry is not done...
toys everywhere...
dishes...
Sunday night....
Derfwad Manor take me away!
We could do it for real like a pyrimid scheme. How much would it cost? How many of us are there? $1000 bucks each...two weeks a year...bring it on baby!
I do not care how far I have to travel to be a part of the Women's Colony! I am so there! I will get down on hands and knees and beg to come to this heavenly place!
Count me in!
(I came from Mama Mo's)
I'll be thinking of this the rest of the day...and dreamin!
I know I'm late, so I probably only get a roll-away cot in the corner, but this sounds fab.
Me me me! Pick me!!! (please?)
Fell in through the Matron's open house--er, window.
I am so there. Just one question.
Do we have to share the pool boy?
My bags are packed, I play well with others, and I promise I won't leave a trail behind me! I thought about the witness protection program but I like your idea better!
Count me in. I don't mind being the desigated rocker. I'd like a couple of rooms in a half-timbered house. I don't need a whole floor. I lose things.
I am so in, I especially enjoy the "help".
I'm in too. I don't know if it was House as doctor or Daniel Craig mowing the lawn that did it for me.
My male neighbor has much larger breasts than I do, and he's who I see bouncing around on a lawn mower when I look out my window now.
Sarah
Oh dear god! Heaven. You will need a librarian, so here I am. My current bathroom is stinky (3 boys) and I have an inflamed disc in my back and can't scrub it. Can you send a chore-boy my way! Love the women's colony - my new mantra.
-how would you do this?
-what would you eat?
-where would you get the food (realistically)?
-who would build it? men?
-who would fund it? and by "it" i mean the luxurious house with 24/7 constant paid maintenance (butler, gardner, etc)
-have you ever in your life seen a gardener/maid that looks that attractive?
-why would you have kids if you only wanted to see them once a week?
-what self-respecting man would want to be "bussed in" to be a slave to your sexual needs? if a man made a comment like that, he'd be called a sexist
i'm sorry if men havent treated you well in the past but when it comes down to it, as much as we may resent each other, men cant live without women and women cant live without men. with all due respect, dont have double standards for yourselves.
if you bring back slavery this just might work. otherwise......
I just back-tracked on your 173 comments and noticed that I had not yet joined the fan club. How can that be? And, since I know there will always be room for more in Mrs. G's Women's Colony, I hereby save a rocking chair (and Matt D's personal services) for myself.
Mrs. G's brilliance shines on.
Yes.... answer to my prayers! Some of my college girlfriends and I had planned on getting a big ol' house in the south and living there together with our 7 cats. We would wear overalls and garden like 'Ouisa from Steel Magnolias and have cocktails every afternoon.
But, clearly, we were setting the bar too low! I'm voting that we join your colony instead.
:)
You have described heaven. I am all about anywhere Bourdain is the personal chef. Count me in.
You have described heaven. I am all about anywhere Bourdain is the personal chef. Count me in.
My, my....the convent isn't too far off of your vision. Perhaps you should consider....
I'm willing to help with the gardening, only after the clothing becomes optional.
I'm all over it. But mother-may-i-pretty-please bring my well behaved, non-shedding, totally chill dog? His manners are quite possibly better than mine.
Pretty please?
You just gave me a new "Happy Place". Where do I send the check?
For my arrival day, I'd like to schedule 10:30 yoga with Matt Damon followed by a 12:00 massage with Daniel Craig. That should definitely fill up the rest of the day.
If I've still got it by then. Scratch that. I'll find it.
I'm was in before I even saw that executive chef and gardener. oh my, Mrs. G. you have good taste.
Good Lord. I am so in. Do we have to wait until children are grown and husbands are "gone?" Or can we just go now?
ME! ME! And two friends please. We have the same plan, but y'all are so much better organized. Where do we sign up? Here? Oh, good! Will cook for our keep!
ME! ME! And two friends please. We have the same plan, but y'all are so much better organized. Where do we sign up? Here? Oh, good! Will cook for our keep!
Oh.My!! I so want to be there. As a mother of 6 (4of them male)I think I've earned my space. can there be a woodshop for puttering around? Please?I'm off to pack now....
Can I come now?
I think I'm bookmarking this post and will return often just to enjoy the moment of "Women's Colony."
I know you don't know me, but I'm a cool person. A mom. Friends with "only a movie". I love your idea and I want in!!!
Oh, please, make it to be true...make it to be true...
I just found your blog this morning and your Women's Colony sounds like a fantasy come true!!! I am right there with you on this one!!
Oh, I am so in!!! You hand-picked the best staff, too--Anthony Bourdain and Greg House-- perfect! Your blog is such a blast!
Funny, funny, funny! You are so clever, and what a great idea! Are you still taking applications? I'd like to join, lol....or start my own!
Thanks for the good laugh. Your blog will add extra days to my life, I'm sure by all the laughter it will cause.
Thanks!
You have defined "heaven." Not just retirement, but heaven! I laughed and laughed and want to join the club. There are many others I will send to Derfwad Manor to see this and more. You are too, too funny and need to write a book! (Or perhaps you have.) femminismo in Oregon
PLEASE tell me I'm not too late to get in!!
Wow. . . .I could envision myself in every picture!!! thanks for the trip to my fantasy world!
I'm at my desk in the only free period I have today. Five periods of dealing with the hormonally challenged are looming before me. As we keep lpoughing through "Romeo and Juliet" I'll have the mantra going....
"Women's Colony... women's colony..."
Priceless. Count me in.
I'm in! But I have a sore throat, can we get exams by the doctor first?
bc
Oh, I'm in for sure! I want to live anyplace that keeps their bathrooms that clean.
I'm going to pack my bags now and make a list of things I need and can live without.