Newly Wed
Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 5:46AM Mrs. G. 
This dishy bride is Jess of See Hear Speak No Evil. Isn't she lovely? Jess asks:
Mrs. G,
As you know, I'm getting married in less than two weeks. Id really like to know the three most important things that have kept your marriage strong.
Love,
Jess
Mrs. G. has been thinking about this question all week. She is reluctant to give anyone marital advice, because it is a serious subject and she has not one whit of professional training other than reading a Dr. Phil book years ago relationships are a tricky business. She and Mr. G. have been married for eighteen years, but, Jess, all Mrs. G. can say with any certainty is:
Peaks...
and Valleys. Peaks and valleys. Some deeper and higher than others. Some fixed by a king sized bag of peanut M&M's. Some not.
With this in mind, here are a few of Mrs. G's March 5th, 2008, tips for Keeping a Marriage Strong. She specifies the exact date because, and this is the tricky part Mrs. G. alluded to earlier, answers change depending on the day, month or year.
In an attempt to be unbiased and even-handed, Mrs. G. asked Mr. G. what he thought were the three most important things in keeping a marriage strong .
Mrs. G: What do think are the three most important things in keeping a marriage strong?
Mr G: What kind of question is that?
Mrs. G: I'm just curious. What do you think?
Mr. G: Love, trust and friendship.
Mrs. G: And?
Mr G: What do you mean?
Mrs. G: What do you mean what do I mean? Can you dig a little deeper and give me some specifics? That's what I mean
Mr. G: I'm not sure I know what you mean. That's my answer. It's simple. Can I stop talking now?
This conversation speaks to Mrs. G. Marriage Rule #1: Don't always look for deeper meaning. It is entirely possible that you will never find it. Sometimes a wet towel left on the bedroom floor is just a wet towel left on the bedroom floor. It doesn't symbolize oppression or disrespect or pent up rage or unfulfilled dreams. Most often, it symbolizes a wet towel left on the bedroom floor. If you can't accept this simple truth and you must explore the wet towel left on the bedroom floor and, say, its role in empowering the patriarchy, Mrs. G. suggests you buy a journal and, for the health of your relationship, work it out on paper. Silently. Sometimes it is what it is. In this case, a wet towel left on the bedroom floor. So, Jess, if it's not a bona-fide big-ass deal...
let it slide. And then let it slide some more.
Mrs. G's Marriage Rule #2 is the classic but still relevant: The Only Person You Can Change Is Yourself. Mrs. G. truly believes that the most positive ingredient in her marriage is her and Mr. G's ability to live and let live. She accepts that he will never be able to locate baking powder at the grocery store without a map, and he deals with her inability to cope with the strangulating nature of a top sheet. She knows that if she asks him a question regarding any subject and he doesn't know the answer, he will make it up. Without pausing or batting an eye. He accepts that she can't handle raw chicken and has an unexplainable need to buy at least seven new calendars a year. He snores. She smacks her gum.
And, finally, Jess, Mrs. G's Marriage Rule #3: Above all else, be nice. Hug and kiss each other, rub each other's feet, and work really hard not to bring up, on a fairly regular basis, the time that he didn't empty the dishwasher on your birthday nine years ago. Even if it was right after he forgot to notice your new haircut and fix the cord on the freakin' vacuum cleaner for the 27th day in a row despite the fact that it was his mother coming over that night to eat the dinner you cooked on your birthday. It was nine years ago. Peaks and valleys, Jess, let it slide. Just walk right over that wet towel on the bedroom floor and let it slide.
Relationships
Reader Comments (110)
Wow. Great post.
I got married last year and just recently I found myself asking "What have I done?"
This is why: the kitchen cabinet was sticky.
The man I married drinks soda and leaves a trail of sticky behind. He also leaves a trail of clothes behind. And tools. And loose change. Sometimes he takes my stuff, uses it, then hides it in some spot that was not the original location of my stuff.
He also tells me he loves me, that I am beautiful, that he can't imagine his life without me, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He buys me gifts. He makes me dinner. He tells me I can do anything I want to do. He asks how my day was. He wants to know if there is anything he can do to make me happier / more comfortable / less thirsty / more full.
I am practically in tears right now thinking of all the wonderful things he does for me and how pissy I can get over a stupid sticky kitchen cabinet.
Thanks you Mrs. G for this amazing post.
I am going to call my husband and tell him how much I love him.
Do the premarital counseling. During that counseling agree that the word "divorce" is not in your vocabulary. That will give you TIME when things get hard. And, trust me, they will get hard some days.
Also, agree that when it gets hard and IF you can't deal with it yourselves, you will go to a therapist TOGETHER. Get this in writing, signed and notarized if you must. A good therapist and time may be just what you need to get back on track and live through what you can never imagine being hard when you are young and falling in love.
We have been together for 16 years and married for 10. We still act completely silly together. Remember to take time out to laugh, have fun, and be silly.
I adore your marriage equation! Quite perfect.
We say - "I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you!"
You're right about the wet towel. I used to see that wet towel slumped beside the toilet and think, WHERE'S THE RESPECT, DAMMIT?!
Now I just see a wet towel slumped beside the toilet. When I pick it up I check for funk and if it looks clean and smells relatively clean, I hang it back up.
And so it goes.
Oh, sweet and perfect post. Let it SLIDE indeed. I always ask myself, "Do you want to be right or be happy?" Good question... I 10 millionth the 'marry someone who makes you laugh your ass off' -- and stay true to how much you love that person -- don't buy the idea that you have to someday settle for being in some less crazy in love stage. My now DH and I went to a counselor probably 18 years ago now and she said we were immature and stuck in Stage 2 (some kind of infatuation where you think the other person's perfect. she wanted us to see each others' flaws). We still joke that we are stuck in Stage 2. Works for us...
Mrs. G, seriously, advice columnist?! Would read...
The reason that the question "does my butt look big in these jeans?" is so unfair is that no matter what a guy says you are either not going to believe him or are going to be mad because he called you fat. All this to say - don't ask the question unless you can handle the answer no matter what the answer is, good or bad. Don't ask the question "Don't you love me anymore?" unless you can handle him saying "No."
Married 24 years, but together for 30 (since seeing Star Wars in 1977).
1) Always maintain a sense of humor.
2) Relax, and don't sweat the small stuff.
3) Have some money of your own!
I have 17 years of peaks and valleys under my best.
I like to give advice, too.
First, Mrs. G's classic about changing yourself is classic for a reason. Truth.
Second, sometimes it's good to actively communicate some of those changes. So if you find yourself in a fearful spot or suddenly interested in knitting after years of yarn apathy, clue your spouse in to those changes. He might not notice. And you can't make him.
We all make mistakes. Over and over. Learning to live with them, without anger, is a good thing.
Congratulations!
Mrs. G., you did it again... I loved this post. So funny AND helpful.
Everyone's comments were wonderful and I agree about the laughter. There's nothing better. We don't take ourselves so seriously any more. We give each other a break on things because we each know we're not perfect and lastly, make sure you don't neglect your other friendships. You have to have time apart so that you can miss each other.
The best advice I was given was to let at least one thing slide every day. If he annoys you with some action or words, let at least one thing go and don't make an issue about it. Give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his intentions are good and noble.
Also, make sure you have friends you can go to with some things. he can't be your everything.
As Jess's BFF I am laughing my ass off on you comment about the "idiot friend". I am not sure if I should laugh or cry that I might be considered that. LOL. I'll pretend it is another friend of Jess's.
Thank you so very much for this post. Jess told me I had to read it and she was totally right.
I'm SO not qualified. All I can think of is don't put up with crap.
I agree with all your tips . Thanks for sharing this. So funny but so True.
good lord in heaven 64 comments.
well, no wonder. this was perfect. just damn perfect.
I love this post Mrs. G!! I'm not usually a fan of math but I liked yours.
My advice? Don't assume the Hubby gets what your saying if you're hinting. Mine struggles with communication and I used to be hurt if he didn't pick up on what I was saying. I've gotten much better at being more direct and I think we're both better for it. :)
You are sheer brilliance come to life. I can't imagine what I'd add other than keep things simple around the house - we close the toilet so we both have a job & no one falls in; he always takes out the garbage and I never do; I always obsessively clean places no one ever sees; etc.
Lists are always good (be sure to include specifics - "Buy the WHEAT bread with the BARN on the label" or "Change the bathroom LIGHTBULB or NO SEX TONIGHT").
I have been married 29 1/2 years.
1. My dad's advice, "Never let the sun set on your anger.
2. Bpth of us have a fine tuned sense of humor.
Perfect.
Crazy, naughty, almost illegal sex once in a while doesn't hurt either.
-Stu
I wish Jess a lotta luck and love.
Hopefully they will never go to bed angry at each other.when it comes to bedtime,the saying make love not war comes to mind,and yes I lived through that decade!
i'll pass on my grandfther's advice: you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar
and my father's: never let him see you with your hair in curlers
and mine: be grateful for his good qualities and ignore his faults because he won't change
Mrs. G, you said it all, and you said it well.
I'd also like to add: brag about each other to people in front of each other (but don't over-do it). There's just something about hearing public praise that can go a long way when he does something stupid.
Talk nice about the other when they're not there.
Laugh together often.
dr. phil has nothing on you. when will you get your afternoon, nationally syndicated tv show? i would totally tivo you. and i would like to send this to everyone i know who is married, engaged or currently breathing.
brilliant.
and i have no advice. i'm happily singling.
Perfect post.
Right now, I have a big X marked over March, too.
Every March, we get divorced.
Every June, we fall in love again.
I can name ten other women off the top of my head without even thinking too hard who agree with this.
Your post should be handed out with marriage certificates.
Don't marry a gay man, unless you're another gay man.
It kind of ruined my first marriage.
Second time around has been very good.
Even though Mrs. G says the wet towel is just a wet towel, it still aggravates the hell out of me! But, compared to the first disaster, it's all good.
Only been married for going on 15 years here, so not an expert by any means, but I would say Mrs. G's advice about 'letting it slide' is great advice. Here are a few more tid-bits: don't care-take & micro-manage, take responsibility for your part, learn how to apologize and mean it, know when to shut up, don't do things you really don't want to do and then resent him later, make it clear what works for you and what doesn't - set boundaries and finally, take time for yourself - just b/c you are married doesn't mean you have to be together 24/7. Everyone needs some time to themselves. Best Wishes for a Happy Life.
We've been together 34 years, married for 28.
Never expect any part of marriage to be 50/50. Sometimes it's 90/10. Sometimes you're the 90. Sometimes you're the 10.
I go nuts when I hear wives keeping track...as in "I spent 30 minutes doing X chore, so he must spend 30 minutes doing Y chore"
When he worked 72 hours a week I did it ALL. And after my major surgery HE did it all. And neither one of us was keeping an hourly log.
I know I am so late to the party, but I LOVED this (and it's not the post library class sauvignon blanc talking either). Good job, Mrs. G! I hope Jess takes your advice and adds your humor and wisdom. She'll do just fine then (provided she chose as well as Mr. G did).
here's a serious ps that will get lost in the shuffle of 80 responses. but it's important. (and it's been touched on elsewhere.)
and that is what sozzled said, and many echoed: laughter, and the ability to not take yourself too seriously.
my husband has made me laugh every single day that we've been together. and that includes days when i'm mad at him, when i'm terribly sad, when i'm crabby as hell...
i'm not entirely sure what i do for him, but he sure makes me laugh. and that makes all the difference.
(maybe what i do for him is: i laugh at his jokes.)
Couples therapy - every other Wednesday at 4pm... from the day you get engaged.
xoxo
Bonnie in Houston
Oh - and one more thing: Focus on yourself - not him. That way - wet towels don't turn into material expressions of your self-loathing.
:)
(see what therapy does? :)
King size bed (especially during the summer), wine & travel. oh, plus laughing with each other & that occasionally heart-pitter-patter, when you see him & realize you get to spend the rest of your life with him
Mrs. G, this absolutely needs to go into the book of humorous essays that you better be working on. If it could happen to Diablo Cody, it could happen to you.
The only thing I can add (after 20 years of marriage is this). You may actually have the better part of a whole year that is like one of your months. If you love each other and your kids and your committed to your marriage, you'll get past it.
you are wise, wise, wise, mrs. G. this is such a great post.
Ohhh, Great post, Mrs G! And I've got to add, I loved Jess's photo! Congrats on your new marriage. :)
My hub and I will be married 25 years in August.
(And every time I type those words, I feel like I've been around for centuries.)
I have only a few words of advice because every couple is different, but some basic things prevail, and the most important, aside from love, is to respect each other.
And never treat your spouse worse than you treat your co-workers.
Empathy is important. Understand each other's viewpoint, even if you don't agree with it. Learn how to agree to disagree.
My hub is always disagreeing with me. Drives me nuts. I have to fight back every time....
oh wait, never mind that.
Oh! Learn from each other. You can teach one another some amazing things over the course of your lifetimes. Really!
It's ok for each of you to be different. And it's great to have a few different hobbies apart from each other. As well as a few you can do together.
Same goes for friends.
And every so often, look down the road another 10 years ahead and try to see yourselves together. Don't look back in time at what went wrong, but instead, keep looking to the future. Those who don't look to the future get swallowed up by their past.
Turn off Dr. Phil and have sex instead. You'll feel alot better afterward.
Good luck!!!
Surprisingly, our divorce did wonders for our relationship. Now we cohabitate. Without documentation. Not good advice for a bride-to-be, is it?
Congratulations to Jess. I hope she and the husband will be very happy - with each other.
I've been married 13 years and need to follow the let it slide theory. I'm a bit of a brood, brood, brood - explode camel and straw style.
Having said that, my best piece of advice is to luck out like I did and find the most wonderful man.
After 13 years, my heart still skips a beat when I hear his car pull up of an evening.
That calendar cracked me up.
Hmmm, I think the ability to be able to constantly nag is a tempting one, at least for one like myself.
So I would repeat Mrs. G's advice of "let it go" if possible.
Oh, and if kids are involved, then definitely take the time to go out with just the two of you. In Mr. P's early years, there was little going out and our marriage suffered.
Thank you ALL! I feel like perhaps a bit of a newlywed myself after reading all of this, and we're 13 years into our marriage.
The only thing I have to say is...don't expect him to read your mind. Tell him EXACTLY what you need/want. Especially if it's an emotional need. EXACTLY. Otherwise, don't hold it against him when he either is totally clueless or gives it his best shot on his own.
Being nice...I'm going to have to give that a whirl. As well as this "Let it go" thing everyone keeps talking about. How is that done exactly?
Mrs. G, what a thorough, thoughtful, and beautifully written and illustrated answer to Jess's question! I wish I had had such resources when D. and I fell in love and got married 5 months after our first date.
11 years later, I will pass on what my mom told me (toward the end of another marriage with a total jerk who didn't deserve me): marriage is 50-50 overall; sometimes you're pulling 70% and he's only doing 30%. Sometimes you can only do 20 and he has to do 80. BUT it HAS to even out overall or one of you loses your spirit.
And feeling butterflies *most* every time you see him keeps you coming back for more. So the "choose well" part is very important--but of course, you've done that already, right?
Congratulations and one hundred years of happiness to you.
We have been married 18 years this September and the thing that we have always remained consistent about is the old cliche - Do not let the sun go down on an argument. We are not sulkers by nature and so we always always have talked (sometimes screamed) things through.
It has worked so far!
There is something that is inherently good about the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with.
When times get hard. Remember that one thing--even if you can't remember anything else.
On a side note, spending an hour reading this post and all the 92 comments together--time well spent. Consider it therapy. And do something like it as often as you can.
All of this advice is really really good, but listen, don't try to fix him, and DON'T EXPECT HIM TO SAVE YOU FROM FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. IF you feel bad about yourself because of the wet towel or what he has or has not done, do something to save yourself. That includes with your relationship with the rest of the world, too. And laugh.
I am cut to the quick with this post, Mrs. G. You ARE so wise. OMG. And DARNIT I wish someone had given me that calendar as advice before I got married--either time would have been great.
So my advice, from the school of my hard knocks, is this:
1)Expect that it will be challenging in every way--in direct proportion to your need to learn to fix your own self and not to control others.
2)Choose to be with someone rather than feel like you "need" them to "complete" you or "rescue" you or some such romance nonsense that we all learn way too early on---still, somehow, even from the women in our family who should know better.
Oh Mrs. G, you are a blessing and your children are fortunate indeed to have you so wise about this great mystery that has so often kicked butts in my extended family.
Huzzah to you!
Lovely bride and lovely answer :)
I'd just add that it helps if both of you have a sense of humor and patience. Which makes a happy marriage possible even when both of you are first borns who each is always right.
Oh, and just one tiny other thing. You can't change him, but you can sort of train him. When he starts to do things like load the dishwasher or fold the baby's laundry, do not EVER ever discourage him by reloading or refolding things the "proper" (ie your) way. He will stop the helpful behavior, and trust me it is better to have it done by him though not to your standards rather than not done by him and always by you. This works for small children too.
Congratulations, Jess -- wishing you many, many years of happiness!
I so love this post and the comments! I'm all ears! And I'm trying to learn all these things...I love beer and I have humor...and I'm crazy...LOL At least I have the others covered in advance right? ;)
Seriously, I'd go back to this post for sure...and I will HIM read this. Very nice...and very big thanks! Got here through Jess btw...
Congratulations, Jess, and great reply, Mrs. G.
I'd like to pass along the advice my mom gave my 14+ years ago when I was getting ready for my wedding:
Don't crush his spirit. And never tell him how much your outfit cost.
My own advice after 14 years of Teh Married?
No matter what the contractor charges for that home repair project, it's cheaper than a divorce. Seriously -- avoid your weak spots as a couple when you can. Life will test the two of you enough without you seeking out difficulties. The tough times are easier if you've got a lot of good will to draw on.
"Let it slide" is good. If something bothers you, consider whether it's something that all men do. If you want to be alone, fine. If you want to be with a woman, fine. But if you want to be with a man, accept all the man stuff.
I love this post--I am printing as I comment.
I would also recommend some strenuous leg work-outs to prepare for the peaks and valleys. Just strap on the old stupid fanny pack and start your work out. Also, fill said fanny pack with peanut M'n'Ms.