Mary Ann of A Very Mary Design asked Mrs. G. to reveal the biggest skeleton in her closet. The following is information that has been disclosed to no one on God's green earth, and Mrs. G. is acutely aware that she will be the subject of major mocking this evening at her own dinner table. When Mrs. G. was growing up in the seventies, she was consumed by a Saturday morning show called Land of the Lost. It was a children's show about a family-of-three marooned on an alien planet teeming with dinosaurs (one of whom was a pet brontosaurus named Dopey) and monkey-like cavemen called Pakuni. The family befriends a chimpanzee-like Pakuni boy named Cha-Ka, and Mrs. G. loved him. Not in a Secret Boyfriend kind of way but in a platonic interspecies kind of way. Yes, Mrs. G. loved Cha-Ka, so in her spare time, when she wasn't pretending to be the almighty Isis, Mrs. G. spent her free time developing an official Pakuni language so that she and Cha-Ka could communicate. So they could talk to one another. And how they talked to one another involved Mrs. G. standing in front of the bathroom mirror and speaking fluent Pakuni to herself Cha-Ka. Mrs. G. would appreciate it if we (and by we she means you) never spoke of this again. Mary Ann also asked Mrs. G. for a list of her bad habits. So Mrs. G. asked her family to give her some suggestions. For the most part, they were happy to oblige.
*Mrs. G's daughter brought up Mrs. G's inability to hold it together in an emergency. Miss G. went so far as to suggest that if Mrs. G. ever ended up on a lifeboat, she would be the first one hurled overboard to silence the crazy that can often compromise survival.
*Miss G. also mentioned Mrs. G's delusion belief that she doesn't need any training or a professional license to cut other people's hair. *Miss G, who clearly had the most extensive list, also questioned Mrs. G's ambiguous morality in continuing to buy these chips at the grocery store despite her heartfelt but ultimately meaningless covenant to stop bringing them into the house. For real. Never again.
*Mrs. G's son pointed out Mrs. G's continual failure to successfully complete the transaction of receiving a secret. He says when he or his sister whisper something into her ear, Mrs. G. always loudly asks WHAT? or WHAT DID YOU SAY? Thus destroying the secrecy of said secret.
*Mr. G. refused to articulate even one of Mrs. G's bad habits. He said he believed it to be a trick question and that, frankly, the whole subject was making him nervous and to please quit looking at him.
~How all the female district attorneys look exactly alike on the eight versions of Law & Order. There's the blonde haired one, the blonder haired one and the blondest haired one. They're interchangeable.
~People who use the word retarded as a synonym for stupid or moronic. Read Attila the Mom's excellent post on why it is offensive and insensitive and unkind.
~People who proudly declare that they have never watched Oprah. Mrs. G. doesn't believe them. And she suspects these same people don't read People magazine while not watching Oprah.
Please feel free, reader, to share your bad habits and pet peeves. If you dare.