Last February, Mrs. G. watched a marathon session of HBO's Big Love and wondered if the premise of this show would work if the roles were reversed. Mrs. G. wondered if viewers and critics would respond as enthusiastically to a show about one woman with three husbands. A show, for instance, called...
Bigger Love. So she wrote a pilot and the response was overwhelming.
The world seemed ready for a show about Mrs. G, the three hot husbands who serve her every need...
and the sexy stranger she picks up meets at the DMV. And while most women with families and jobs and appropriate levels of maturity would have moved on from this good and silly apparition, Mrs. G. just can't let it go. She thinks about it all the time. HBO, call her.
Like last week when she went in for her Well Woman Checkup. After a routine exam, Mrs. G. brought up a few health issues that have been bothering her: fatigue, irregular cycles, cruel and heartless PMS, night sweats, satanic mood swings. Her doctor asked her many questions, drew some blood and told Mrs. G. she was likely dealing with the symptoms of perimenopause, symptoms that could last anywhere from a few months to ten years. Really, nothing to worry about.
Mrs. G. acted cool and collected and unruffled by this news. Huh, Mrs. G. said, I'll be darned. Thanks for that information...all the while thinking: I will see you and your white coated ass in the parking lot where I will run over you for, say, a few months to ten years.
Reader, the irritability is fierce.
But Mrs. G. remained calm and left her doctor's office with some vitamins and herbal supplements to try. She sat in her car for a while and reassured herself that change is good, change is natural, change is nourishing. And when that didn't help, she turned to what usually gets her through anxiety and tension: manful hallucinations.
She dug her little red moleskin notebook out of her purse and starting writing notes for an episode of Bigger Love dealing with life transitions and hormonal shifts which she entitled Life Transitions and Hormonal Shifts.
In this episode, George , Matt and Brad try to talk Mrs. G. down from the ledge of a Victoria's Secret fourteenth floor window. She has had it up to here with the store's cock-and-bull lies, its flagrant, unblushing misrepresentation of the term XL. Her husbands remind her of all she has to live for and how they can't live without her, but she refuses to budge until they swear allegiance to her hormonally imbalanced ass. In song. While wearing hotpants. They do.
George eagerly declares himself captain of Mrs. G's Wellness Team.
Things are tense around the house. Mrs. G. stays in bed all day watching the Lifetime Channel.
The guys spare no effort in bringing serenity and repose to Mrs. G's troubled waters. They take turns rubbing Mrs. G's feet and reading Christin Northrup's Wisdom of Menopause out loud to her.
They struggle to keep Mrs. G. out of the craft stores.
Brad, George and Matt all support her efforts in exploring meaningful hobbies like rug hooking and welding.
Johnny does his part with the emotive stares and late night, soulful conversations. He assures Mrs. G. that the hot flashes only make her hotter. That she is so full of woman that a little less estrogen and progesterone won't take any whack off her smack.
But Mrs. G's melancholy ultimately wears him down and he moves to Paris.
George, Matt and Brad hit the bricks and try to figure out how to ease the blow of Johnny's departure. They weren't crazy about the bedraggled interloper, but he amused and distracted Mrs. G. and helped take care of the nine children Brad brought into the marriage. The husbands put their heads together and decide there was only one solution:
Hire a manny! They find a nice Australian wag with excellent references.
He's good with kids...
The unexpected infusion of virile Aussie testosterone sets off a hormonal convergence of her eastern, western and central nervous system, and Mrs. G. emerges as steady as a hot rock.