Bigger Love, Episode 41: The Hormones
Saturday, November 8, 2008 at 11:25AM Mrs. G. Last February, Mrs. G. watched a marathon session of HBO's Big Love and wondered if the premise of this show would work if the roles were reversed. Mrs. G. wondered if viewers and critics would respond as enthusiastically to a show about one woman with three husbands. A show, for instance, called...
Bigger Love. So she wrote a pilot and the response was overwhelming.
The world seemed ready for a show about Mrs. G, the three hot husbands who serve her every need...
and the sexy stranger she picks up meets at the DMV. And while most women with families and jobs and appropriate levels of maturity would have moved on from this good and silly apparition, Mrs. G. just can't let it go. She thinks about it all the time. HBO, call her.
Like last week when she went in for her Well Woman Checkup. After a routine exam, Mrs. G. brought up a few health issues that have been bothering her: fatigue, irregular cycles, cruel and heartless PMS, night sweats, satanic mood swings. Her doctor asked her many questions, drew some blood and told Mrs. G. she was likely dealing with the symptoms of perimenopause, symptoms that could last anywhere from a few months to ten years. Really, nothing to worry about.
Mrs. G. acted cool and collected and unruffled by this news. Huh, Mrs. G. said, I'll be darned. Thanks for that information...all the while thinking: I will see you and your white coated ass in the parking lot where I will run over you for, say, a few months to ten years.
Reader, the irritability is fierce.
But Mrs. G. remained calm and left her doctor's office with some vitamins and herbal supplements to try. She sat in her car for a while and reassured herself that change is good, change is natural, change is nourishing. And when that didn't help, she turned to what usually gets her through anxiety and tension: manful hallucinations.
She dug her little red moleskin notebook out of her purse and starting writing notes for an episode of Bigger Love dealing with life transitions and hormonal shifts which she entitled Life Transitions and Hormonal Shifts.
In this episode, George , Matt and Brad try to talk Mrs. G. down from the ledge of a Victoria's Secret fourteenth floor window. She has had it up to here with the store's cock-and-bull lies, its flagrant, unblushing misrepresentation of the term XL. Her husbands remind her of all she has to live for and how they can't live without her, but she refuses to budge until they swear allegiance to her hormonally imbalanced ass. In song. While wearing hotpants. They do.
George eagerly declares himself captain of Mrs. G's Wellness Team.
Things are tense around the house. Mrs. G. stays in bed all day watching the Lifetime Channel.
The guys spare no effort in bringing serenity and repose to Mrs. G's troubled waters. They take turns rubbing Mrs. G's feet and reading Christin Northrup's Wisdom of Menopause out loud to her.
They struggle to keep Mrs. G. out of the craft stores.
Brad, George and Matt all support her efforts in exploring meaningful hobbies like rug hooking and welding.
Johnny does his part with the emotive stares and late night, soulful conversations. He assures Mrs. G. that the hot flashes only make her hotter. That she is so full of woman that a little less estrogen and progesterone won't take any whack off her smack.
But Mrs. G's melancholy ultimately wears him down and he moves to Paris.
George, Matt and Brad hit the bricks and try to figure out how to ease the blow of Johnny's departure. They weren't crazy about the bedraggled interloper, but he amused and distracted Mrs. G. and helped take care of the nine children Brad brought into the marriage. The husbands put their heads together and decide there was only one solution:
Hire a manny! They find a nice Australian wag with excellent references.
He's good with kids...
and such.
The unexpected infusion of virile Aussie testosterone sets off a hormonal convergence of her eastern, western and central nervous system, and Mrs. G. emerges as steady as a hot rock.
And they all live happily ever after for the new few months to ten years.
Bigger Love, Ficciones, Mancake, Pop Culture
Reader Comments (145)
The G in Mrs G stands for Genius!!
Good thing Jimmy Smits wasn't one for your husbands. I would have to step in and steal him away.
The peri-menopause? The first 5 years are the worst. I'm in year #6 and it's getting better. Hang in there.
Hilarious...
and welcome to the hallowed halls of perimenopause. I find progesterone cream at bedtime to be awesome at dispelling those night sweats.
Oh, Mrs. G, I so, SO love you.
Can I borrow the manny? Just if you're not using him...
PS: Okay, so it didn't occur to me until now but I was trying to recreate your groovy vibe when I picked out my new glasses. I failed, yes, but I tried. You inspire me.
Anyone who can make perimenopause this hilarious deserves to get the "several months" version of the affliction. Thanks for making me laugh.
I love, love, LOVE you!!!
I propose we form an HBO blogger-badgering mafia to DEMAND Mrs G's version 'Bigger Love' gets aired & threaten to stop watching HBO in protest until it is (not that I do living in UK, but hey I would in spirit!)
What say y'all?
Ugly Betty has broken the boundaries of all shows having to be sickeningly slick hasn't it?
That. Was. Brilliant.
I just LOVE your show.
So good. I was in need of a good laugh, and this did it. I've also been doing some serious thinking about mannies. Good tip.
My son is 15. Is that too old for a manny?
Damn.
I would learn how to program the DVR for this show.
You know your husbands-to-be are totally going to read this, right?
Brad! Mrs. G can't love you the way I can! Please, pick me! Pick meeeee!!!!
You understand I had to try.
I love, love, loved this episode of Bigger Love! HBO is seriously missing out. I really can't believe they haven't called you about writing for them...
Thanks for a good laugh and some scrumptious eye-candy to brighten my dull Thursday!
This will help me pass the next few months to ten years. There's hope yet.
(Too funny.)
Honey, Turn that god damn lifetime channel off!! That will put anyone into hormonal changes..Its so sappy and sad and sweet! Get outa there, get on those red high heels I was talking about (theresnoplacelikehome) and that hot little black dress, (because that little ass looks mighty fine) and take that man you were "pausing" about yesterday and go out dancing or something!!!
youll have a blast, promise..now do it!
you are so frickin frackin funny. I just love ya! The rain? not so much..
Now that would get me to pony up the extra cash for HBO!
Fabulous.
ROFLMAO! Thanks for the laugh :-)
amen Mrs G-- or should it be a lotta men? As one on the downhill side of peri-menopause- it will get easier to cope with. Thanks for the best visualization exercise I've had in some time!!- klcrab
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
good with kids..and such. HA!
Bravo! Nicely done. Everyone's already pointed out the best lines... and I loved Johnny writing in his diary!
Mrs. G I love your series almost as much as the original! Keep the episodes coming. And if you need a new character, say a non-meddling neighbor who will watch your husbands with binoculars and bring over snacks, just let me know. I'm available.
This post is so much fun! Hugh Jackman brings "and such" to the relationship, indeed! :)
I really, really want to live next door--the guys can confide in me and ask me for advice on how to help Mrs. G deal.
This has to be in my top 10 of Mrs. G's Derfad prose.
My goodness, I think I've haven't laughed outloud reading so much in such a long time. (And, at a RERUN!!!! HBO, this is good material. Way better than Shear Genius and other Project Runway knockoffs.)
Thank you Mrs. G!
Matt had me at laundry. Aaaaah.
Oooh, blatant self-promo free back to school stuff contest!
Me? I'm getting arthritis pains in my hands. And my knees, when I climb stairs or dare to bend my knees, sound like a fireworks factory exploding into the heavens.
Perimenopause? I got your perimenopause in the way of heavy periods (look away if you're male and squeamish) one month, barely there ones next month. Aging sucks like a Bangkok whore, though without the bonus of being able to shoot ping-pong balls out its vagina.
Hot, delicious, DAMN.
...and such.
Brilliant.
My stomach hurts from laughing. HBO call her!
Oh My God... You Stole My Script, din't You? Once again, I find we share a brain... only I want Kiwi's Finest in the form of Karl Urban and Martin Csokas... those hot smouldering types. Karl tried to kill Matt in Bourne Supremacy but they just managed to tear up a specTACULAR Mercedes big ass vehicle... Go back to Middle Earth, Karl. I'm waiting...
Thank you for this much needed laugh today.
Big Hug and Curtsey,
Candace
Oh Mrs. G., you are so incredibly awesome. I would totally watch your show (not just 'cause of the fellas, I swear!). Thanks for bringing me a chuckle today. Hang tough!
That episode was great. I love when my conscience conflicts with the lead lovable characte. Mrs. G. was so sinister, though, I will miss Johnny's regular appearance. I am curious to see if the writers can determine a way to work him back in.
KEEP BELIEVING
Mmm-hmm. Lord, have mercy. When you put it all that way, Mrs. G., I'm almost looking forward to perimenopause. Almost.
I love Big Love. I need a few husbands. Especially if they will step up to do the dishes and vacuum.
Yeah, I think that could work. So what, do you like erase the boys' memory or something so when they come over here to do their work they forget about Mrs. G and concentrate on Ms. Q? Is that how that's gonna play?
Oh, it's a TV show? Phew. Then the boys should be fine.
I've never seen Big Love, but Bigger Love, I'd send my child to bed early to watch! Anything with Depp in it, yup, you bet, I'll pay my cable bill to see that!
"Whack of your Smack"? You just sit at home and make this stuff up don't you.
I have emailed this to all my hotflashing friends.
You are funny woman.
Barb in RI
You are a gem and all woman!
I'd like to present you with an award. Please stop by my blog to collect the image to post onto your wonderful blog.
So, Johnny is just the extra eye-candy in the marriage that none of the others mind having around, right? Because clearly, he isn't a husband. Yum. Johnny Candy.
Love,
Miss juliejulie
I'm 42 and have been watching for The Signs...my doctor assures me I probably have "another few years" before facing the big M. hmph.
How about skipping the herbal supplements and going straight to xanax or something? *haha!* I don't KNOW what I'll do when 'my time' comes..! But I know myself fairly well...it'll take more than a little St. Johns Wort to tame THIS wild pony if she starts to get homicidal mood-swings!
My computer won't show any of your lovely pictures, btw. ::sobs::
Mrs. G has excelled herself!
When's the casting for this blockbuster show? Can I audition?
Brava! I think that George, Brad, Matt, & the nanny will definitely help out these next few months to years. All women should be so lucky. ;)
Oh Jesus, that picture of Clooney talking you out of the sweater is the funniest thing I've seen in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awww, I sure do love a happy ending; even if it does take a few months to ten years.
I LURVE YOU Mrs. G!!!!
You had me rolling on the floor with laughter!
And the homeschooling is just a bonus!!
(((HUGS)))
I'm also in supposed perimenopause and I believe you should market your pitch to the FDA as a cure.
just stumbled upon your blog. That was hysterical!!!
LOVE IT!!!
Mrs. G., where is your agent? Oh my God. One of my favorites!! Hot pants and song, indeed. Methinks my own man should turn that page!
BRILLIANT!! Just brilliant! Now, if only I had a spare $million......
You forgot the episode where the husbands, sorely neglected by Mrs G's infatuation with the manny, turn to the pool girl (played by me) for sympathy, "and such."
This post is focking fabulous! Thanks for reminding us that perimenopause has its bright spots!
What a great way to end my day. I'll have sweet dreams of my 3 husbands & 1-2 foreign type boyfriends.
The only dilema will be figuring out which one does the cooking, the cleaning, and which one rubs my feet.
Hmmmm....