Bigger Love, Episode 41: The Hormones

Last February, Mrs. G. watched a marathon session of HBO's Big Love and wondered if the premise of this show would work if the roles were reversed. Mrs. G. wondered if viewers and critics would respond as enthusiastically to a show about one woman with three husbands. A show, for instance, called...


Bigger Love. So she wrote a pilot and the response was overwhelming.



The world seemed ready for a show about Mrs. G, the three hot husbands who serve her every need...



and the sexy stranger she picks up meets at the DMV. And while most women with families and jobs and appropriate levels of maturity would have moved on from this good and silly apparition, Mrs. G. just can't let it go. She thinks about it all the time. HBO, call her.

Like last week when she went in for her Well Woman Checkup. After a routine exam, Mrs. G. brought up a few health issues that have been bothering her: fatigue, irregular cycles, cruel and heartless PMS, night sweats, satanic mood swings. Her doctor asked her many questions, drew some blood and told Mrs. G. she was likely dealing with the symptoms of perimenopause, symptoms that could last anywhere from a few months to ten years. Really, nothing to worry about.



Mrs. G. acted cool and collected and unruffled by this news. Huh, Mrs. G. said, I'll be darned. Thanks for that information...all the while thinking: I will see you and your white coated ass in the parking lot where I will run over you for, say, a few months to ten years.

Reader, the irritability is fierce.

But Mrs. G. remained calm and left her doctor's office with some vitamins and herbal supplements to try. She sat in her car for a while and reassured herself that change is good, change is natural, change is nourishing. And when that didn't help, she turned to what usually gets her through anxiety and tension: manful hallucinations.

She dug her little red moleskin notebook out of her purse and starting writing notes for an episode of Bigger Love dealing with life transitions and hormonal shifts which she entitled Life Transitions and Hormonal Shifts.



In this episode, George , Matt and Brad try to talk Mrs. G. down from the ledge of a Victoria's Secret 13th floor window. She has had it up to here with the store's cock-and-bull lies, its flagrant, unblushing misrepresentation of the term XL. Her husbands remind her of all she has to live for and how they can't live without her, but she refuses to budge until they swear allegiance to her hormonally imbalanced ass. In song. While wearing hotpants. They do.



George eagerly declares himself captain of Mrs. G's Wellness Team.



Things are tense around the house. Mrs. G. stays in bed all day watching the Lifetime Channel.


bigger love

The guys spare no effort in bringing serenity and repose to Mrs. G's troubled waters. They take turns rubbing Mrs. G's feet and reading Christin Northrup's Wisdom of Menopause out loud to her.



They struggle to keep Mrs. G. out of the craft stores.



Brad, George and Matt all support her efforts in exploring meaningful hobbies like rug hooking and welding.


my boyfriend

Johnny does his part with the emotive stares and late night, soulful conversations. He assures Mrs. G. that the hot flashes only make her hotter. That she is so full of woman that a little less estrogen and progesterone won't take any whack off her smack.



But Mrs. G's melancholy ultimately wears him down and he moves to Paris.



George, Matt and Brad hit the bricks and try to figure out how to ease the blow of Johnny's departure. They weren't crazy about the bedraggled interloper, but he amused and distracted Mrs. G. and helped take care of the nine children Brad brought into the marriage. The husbands put their heads together and decide there is only one solution:



Hire a manny! They find a nice Australian wag with excellent references.



He's good with kids...



and such.


The unexpected infusion of virile Aussie testosterone sets off a hormonal convergence of her eastern, western and central nervous system, and Mrs. G. emerges as steady as a hot rock.


And they all live happily ever after for the new few months to ten years.greenheart 

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Reader Comments (145)

Thank you for this lucious midnight read! Mrs. G, if HBO comes calling, I'll definitely upgrade my cable package to catch your show every week.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStarshine

You are in my life for a reason I swear. Probably the reason is that you bring a smile to my face whenever I read you.

And you absolutely should be a scriptwriter. No question.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbluemountainsmary

Fabulous! My three husbands would be Keanu Reeves, John Cusack, and Colin Firth. Of course Johnny would stay and my Aussie would have to be Russel Crowe.

This was so funny! Really 3 husbands makes more sense than 3 wives.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

The perfect ending by a gifted writer. Kudos, Mrs. G!

You're my kind of woman - 66 degrees sounds heavenly!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkcinnova

This is the tops.. my new fav Derfwad post.. the photos.. the idea.. I find it all too wonderful... 3 husbands? such a concept.. have a great Labor Day.. thank you for such delightful fun

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Junking in Georgia

Chit, that's where I went wrong. I had 3 husbands, just not all at once!

All that perimenopause crap does go away. I was glad to find out that it was all symptoms ... I feared it was my real personality *wink*

I love this "series" ... please write more =)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

Perfect! ..."and such" indeed! Thanks Mrs. G. for starting my day in such a great way ...

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterannabanana

Oh. my lord....I'm gonna pee my pants and wake the children, I'm laughing so hard!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGrumpy Momma

Oh Mrs. G., thanks for that. It makes me smile.

And you know, I think it might have been your Nanny consulting with Christiane Northrup that I saw the other day at lunch. I'm sure it was on your behalf. :-D

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteronly a movie

This is what I'm talkin' about! When does the show start, cause I'm watching for sure. With lots of chocolate and something luscious to drink. Great post Mrs. G!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTara

Along with a little chocolate, that show could get me through anything too.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

I think YOU should be in charge of the Well Woman clinic and dispensing this BEST possible medicine Mrs G.

I hope you sue the ass off the creep who made you feel sick rather than WELL! Much though he was inadvertently responsible for you posting a mighty fine latest series idea for Big Love!

Remember how every creep in school threatened to grow up and become a gynaeocologist though? Wonder how many of them did... Roll on the home doctoring kits to get rid of these jerks altogether.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Poet Laura-eate

Perimenapause, honey, I remember it. My husband still shudders when he mentions it, but listen, I don't think I honored it enough...those years when suddenly I was yelling ENOUGH a lot. You can keep those hotties, though I would still take a cleaning team over this way. Still, there is a lot going on here, and I hope you are listening.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCamellia

If HBO comes calling, make sure you ask for the BIG bucks because, really, they need you more than you need them. I cant wait to call my husband and have him check out this post (he is a big fan too!)You slay me Mrs. G:>)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen Grace

Oh my God, sign me up.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiddle Aged Woman

Too funny! Glad to see you haven't lot your sense of humor throughout this.

My suggestions? Big fan and cotton clothes. Oh, and a female Gyn who is older than you are helps.


August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersee you there!

Mmm mmm mmm... good work Mrs. G.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlog Princess G

That was a good one.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Bennett

You omitted the part about your utter exhaustion (sense of completion?)"servicing" your entourage. This will give a whole new meaning to the term "night sweats."

Great post! Great way to start my day!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

OH. MY. GOD. I was seriously "laughing out loud" at the the "perry who" pic!!! Brilliant! I love all the men you picked also! Thanks for the chuckle this fine Thursday morning!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeck

I actually wet my pants laughing at this. And Pete's looking at me weird.

Now, off to find dry clothes...

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenontheedge

That's it. This is my mostest favoritest Mrs. G post EVER. I may have to refer to it seventy nine million times today -- just for inspiration.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMadge

It's brilliant! If HBO doesn't schedule this show, they'll really be missing out on something wonderful.

Honestly, I have always wanted to learn how to weld.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterScout

You are a goddess. (Except back off from Hugh- he's mine.)

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkinderny

Hahahahaha! You're absolutely brilliant! I can't begin to tell you how much I loved this!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAttila The Mom

You are brilliant. (And I think you know I don't gush in people's comments.)

Obviously, I need to spend more time at the DMV.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterblackbird

Your version of Bigger Love is so much better than the HBO version. I wholeheartedly approve all of your choices for the husbands.

I hear you in respect to the hormones. And the thermostat.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRudee

Mrs. G, you are a wickedly talented writer and your blog brings a smile, if not a guffaw, to my face on a daily basis!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy B

I can't imagine how long it took to put together that post, but it was worth every minute.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuburbanCorrespondent

Oh, this was a great episode. Although I don't like Big Love, I'm all down with Bigger Love.

I'm also down with running over doctors. Just, I'll bring dessert too ... A BASEBALL BAT!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterso NOT cool

Oh my goodness. I think I need to go watch Chocolat again. Those are some gooooood pictures you got there, Mrs. G. And that lovely Aussie nanny can come my way when you tire of him.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersheila

This is a masterpiece. Sounds like a Lifetime TV series just waiting to happen.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandy Feet

Baaahahahahaaa! Now there's a show I'd gladly watch! Too funny!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope

Porn for all women!!!! Thanks Mrs. G!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Boddeker Blog

Mrs, G, the change is only making you more brilliant. Thank you!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShe She

Mrs. G, YOU ROCK! HBO is missing a golden opportunity--the concept, the cast, the audience and sponsors (who would include VS and Michael's, I assume) are all there. You just need one producer...
Nice choice of manny, BTW.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGreen Girl in Wisconsin

I seriously am trying to figure out a way to get George Clooney to see this post, because he would laugh his ass off. And maybe send you booze and/or candy.

I've been feeling all sorts of bullshit symptoms lately. It's got to be menopause. I want a simple shot that makes it go away.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa V

Can I be your whacky side-kick/neighbor? I'll bring a sweater.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterManic Mommy

Yes. That. Exactly.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteri am very mary

Oh that was FUN. I'll be emailing HBO, stat.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKeetha

Bad news...Sometimes "the change before the change" last longer than 10 years. Can you say ETERNITY honey?

Good news...Love the new episode!

And for the record my cardigan does NOT have glitter on it. HRUMP!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sez..

Pure genius! This post is the best and funniest yet, Mrs. G. I'm nine years into my own "several months to ten years". They'd better be right about 10 years being the longest...or someone will die.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTina

Blisteringly funny, Mrs. G. Bravo!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertammy

I'm sorry, did you type something? Because that eye candy was just a tad distracting....

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Great tale! hee hee

I just had my lady parts ripped out by a handsome but obviously cruel doctor. Thanks doc.

But I'm recovering nicely and look forward to several months to 10 years of my own wild mood swings.


We need to make sure there's loads of ice and towels at the Women's Colony.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre

I missed the first bigger love, but, honey, ya got me hooked now!!! This is awesome.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterannahannah

I would watch!

Great casting!

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersmalltownmom

Now that I've spit my drink everywhere....

Funniest thing ever! Where do you find all the photos to match so perfectly? George's horrified face over the sweater...priceless.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteronebrick

You have made my day!!! Two days off and away from death and drama and all I've done is drive grandmothers and daughters to Drs appointments where the waiting rooms ARE NOT 66 degrees and there are running about and yelling children.Tonight is the high school 45 hour Open House. George, take me away...I'll be the one chuckling in the back of the school room. Oh wait, that was always me:>)

"They weren't crazy about the bedraggled interloper, but he amused and distracted Mrs. G. and helped take care of the nine children Brad brought into the marriage."

This is the best sentence in the entire post. It made me absolutely helpless with laughter.

August 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaycie

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