Mrs G's Secret Boyfriend #19

Disclaimer: Mrs. G. has been married for nineteen years to the same man, Mr G. He is handsome, kind, loyal, and doesn't do household chores of any kind is a wonderful father. Many, many people (some of whom do not reside at Derfwad Manor) believe he makes the best pasta sauce in the world. Period. He uses a secret ingredient, and he will not share it with anyone, because Mr. G. is Sicilian and that's just the way they are.


Reader, stare deep into those eyes, let your gaze linger on those rose petaled lips and you will understand why William Bradley Pitt is Mrs. G's Secret Boyfriend #19. She says secret boyfriend, because while her love and esteem for Brad is as fierce as the battle of Troy and as enormous as the Tower of Babel, he has no idea that Mrs. G. exists. Ahh...Mrs. G. thinks unrequited love is healthy in a long term marriage she wants to last.

Long ago, all the way back in 1991, Mr. G. came home from a long day at work; He was barely in the door before Mrs. G. told him that she had to leave right away to go run some urgent and pressing errands and that he would have to manage dinner and their three-month-old daughter all by himself. Mr. G. barely had his coat off before Mrs. G. grabbed her purse and beat it out the door.

Mrs. G's urgent and pressing errands involved a large Dr. Pepper, a bucket of popcorn, a box of Milk Duds and a couple of hours alone in a Northeast Portland movie theater. Mrs. G. didn't care what was playing. She was in it for the getaway. It was all about two hours on the lam.


That night, Thelma and Louise was playing on the big screen, and Mrs. G. had never never seen a movie like it, a movie where the chicks drove fast cars, packed heat and had to die for their sins. For a couple of hours Mrs. G. forgot she was a young wife and mother and fantasized about running away from home, blowing up shiny, silver fuel trucks and...


picking up buff, wayward, hitchhiking cowboys named J.D.

And just like that, reader, Mrs. G. was under Brad's spell.

Et au milieu coule une rivière

Her love burgeoned a year later when this movie came along and proved that Brad was more than just a pretty face. Directed by Robert Redford and set in Montana, A River Runs Through It is a coming of age story about two sons of a Presbyterian minister. Natch, Brad plays the bad son. The good son is played by...Mrs. G. forgets.


Mrs. G. almost broke things off after watching this movie.


She has never, not once, understood the timeless, universal allure of fey, erotic vampires.


But things got back on the hot and heavy track with this little epic tale of lust, betrayal...

Title: LEGENDS OF THE FALL • Pers: PITT, BRAD • Year: 1994 • Dir

and righteous hair.


Their love heightened and matured through the dark days of Seven, Twelve Monkeys, Seven Years in Tibet and Fight Club.


Brad met Jennifer Aniston. They fell in love and had a lavish Malibu wedding. After their sixth solid month of marriage, it was clear they were in it for the long haul and the world deemed them Hollywood Marriage Royalty, one of the rare success stories.


Meanwhile, Brad made a film called Mrs. G's Favorite Movie Of All Time with her Secret Boyfriend #9.


When Mrs. G. read in People magazine that Brad was making a movie with this woman, she knew it was just a matter of time before he was wearing a vial of her long legged, sexy ass blood around his neck. And, sadly, Mrs. G. was right. Both Brad and Angelina repeatedly denied rumors of an extramarital affair. Angelina has said I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife.


Mrs. G. thinks she speaks for Jennifer Aniston and married women everywhere when she calls bull to the shit.


But whatever...when it comes to Secret Boyfriends, you can't get all caught up in morality. It's a fantasy killjoy.

Cheat on Mrs. G. in real life and she will run you over with her car.


Nevertheless, what goes around, comes around. Trust Mrs. G. when she tells you that in her gut, she feels (and it pains her to say this): Brad's days are freakin' numbered.

Mrs. G. digresses...


Anyway, Brad smoothed things out and reeled Mrs. G. back in by dressing up like a cowboy, riding horses and shooting things up in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.


But it was today, reader, that Brad sealed the deal and earned his hard fought, indisputable slot on Mrs. G's official Secret Boyfriend list. This afternoon she caught a matinee of the Coen brothers new film Burn After Reading. Brad plays Chad Feldheimer, a goofy fitness zealot with bad hair who gets involved in a blackmail scheme gone way, way wrong. His performance is wickedly funny and, once again, Mrs. G. was reminded that this pretty, pretty man really can really, really act. He has genuine talent.


And a nice mug.


And a good heart.

Just look at him looking at her and you will understand why William Bradley Pitt is Mrs. G's Secret Boyfriend #19?

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Reader Comments (82)

I won't tell Johnny. Promise.

October 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteri am very mary

Ha ha ha! Very funny, Mrs G. His days ARE numbered. I'm with you on that. That girl eats 'em up and spits 'em out like sunflower seeds.

I like that girl. She's my Secret Girlfriend #1. But I wouldn't let my husband go anywhere near her. Ever.

October 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersheila

While he has been your secret boyfriend, I have been telling the world he is my #1 and only!

I adored him in "Burn after reading" and even my hubs (my "in the mean time" man) thought the movie was brilliant.

October 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBee

I'm with you on this one Mrs.G!

October 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterZenmomma

He is eye candy, he has grown into the role of father so nicely, but I am not on board with the whole drop-perfectly-nice-Jen-for-goth-Angie. It just killed me.

So many of you out there lurrve him. Girls, once a cheater always a cheater. He will break your hearts.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSaucy

I don't have a problem with Angie (try as I might), but I liked him better with Jennifer...

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter3continentfamily

I know this is supposed to be about your secret boyfriend and I really hate to interrupt the man-admiration but check out your Thelma and Louise pic - did we really wear jeans that high in the 1990s? Certainly made it easier to tuck our shirts in, I guess :-)

Back to man-admiration...

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterM

Mr. Pitt is fine his current girl no so much .............

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Junking in Georgia

You forgot his "smokin" role in True Romance. Or how about his performance in Snatch? He is versatile as well as pretty :)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine

Oh I am totally with you on this one, ever since "A River Runs Through It," when I lost my heart.

I agree with you re: the current Mrs., but given all the kids, I keep hoping it will work out after all. After all, a castle in France is a fun way to grow up, I would imagine.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterplanetnomad

You can have Brad, my dear Missus G, I get Susan Sarandon (secret girlfriend number one) and Frances McDormand (yeow! hot stuff! number 10)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGary Rith Pottery Blog

I think he's hot too, but the cheating part? I don't like that. I think you're much better off with Mr. G, secret sauce, choreless ways and all.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRudee

A River Runs Through It definitely cemented him in good standing, although I've never been partial to blondes myself. He was great in Thelma & Louise. (I didn't realize it was him at first with that accent!) I do have problems with his leave-Jen-to-hook-up-with-Angie choice. BIG problems. And yet... I'd like to think that Angie has changed. She SEEMS changed. And now that there are children involved, I do hope it lasts.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkcinnova

oh yeah...he's hawt. very nice...but....I agree with saucy..."once a cheater, always a cheater"...just waiting to see which one throws their cards down first.
Thanks for the thumbs up on "Burn After Reading"....I was wondering about that one!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdkuroiwa

oh my we have such different tastes in men.

never never never never never trust a cute man. that's all i have to say on the matter.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlaurie

I remember watching Thelma and Louise with my Thelma (Or was it Louise? I'm Susan Sarandon) and both of us were mezmerized by Brad's amazing abs.

Ocean's 11 is in my top 10 also. And Brad is my #1.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterManic Mommy

Although I wouldn't toss him aside after a little fling, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could toss him.

He seems to be a good daddy though.

Angie? I love to dislike her/like her. She's a thinly veiled puzzlement.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

And here I thought it would be General Colin Powell...

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSuburbanCorrespondent

I can't help but think that a good heart doesnt cheat on it's wife. Infidelity is the ultimate turn off for me. I have to agree that what goes around comes around. Too bad for all the kids:>(

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen Grace

Amen sister!

"Interview with a Vampire" remains in my mind one of the worst movies ever made. I actually think Brad did an okay job with his role, but that it was freaky Tom Cruise who ruined the whole damn thing.

Then again, I am on the record as loathing Tom Cruise since, well, always.

As for the Angelina thing, even though I highly disapprove of the way things very likely came about, I actually hope it will work out since there are children involved.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenontheedge

It's the overly handsome ones you always have to worry about... they are always suspect to messing around... Your days as his woman are numbered Mrs. G.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Blue Ridge Gal

He's beautiful. I forgive anything he's done or might do that needs forgiven.

You're very creative, and very funny.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercsquaredplus3

I have to agree with you 100 percent on this one. Not that I don't usually agree with you 100 percent on every one.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCheri @ Blog This Mom!

You are so funny, Mrs. G. Have you ever thought about having Johnny Damon as a secret boyfriend? I have.

Another good thing about Brad is how he has been helping to build homes in New Orleans. Out there working away, ignoring that he is a famous movie star.

Thanks for cheering me up all week long.

Anon. Kathy

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Just look at her, Mrs. G. That beautiful face. Those never ending legs.

Geez. I might cheat on my spouse if she asked me. Really -- who could resist her?

Poor Brad never had a chance.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaycie

I am right there with you on this one. About everything.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMental P Mama

Wow, just look at the body language on that Brad and Jen pic. That one wasn't gonna last for sure!!! I never thought much of Brad and Angelina separately, but I think they are awesome together.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLI Laura

Damn! I got drool on my keyboard! Thanks for the Monday morning Man Cake!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

Really? You called the Angelina thing? I didn't see that one coming. But then, you're wiser and more perceptive than I.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAll Adither

I LOVED Legends. I so wanted to sail away on that gorgeous ship with him. But Aidan Quinn stole my heart in that one too. I'm looking forward to Burn After Reading - he and Clooney do well together.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Oh, my. He is fine.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersmalltownmom

Great BF Mrs. G. I'll have to check the latest film.


October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersee you there!

He's been my secret boyfriend for a while now too! I have yet to see Burn After Reading but your poste (I mean homage) to Brad has me re-inspired...

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKnittingInMySleep

Mrs. G, I was so in love with Kenneth Branagh until he left Emma, then it was good bye charlie! It's funny to remember that; it's been years since they broke up.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersheila

Brad fell off my secret radar when he hooked up with that homewrecker wrapped up in a sexy body and trying-to-hard-to-be-sexy bad actress. While I may be two-faced to have ever had a secret boyfriend, I stick to my morals that he is only sexy and boyfriend material while he is faithful.


October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngie @ KEEP BELIEVING

I, too, tried to stay mad at him but couldn't. The mother of his children, though. Her I can stay mad at forever!!!!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterQueenly Things


October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKeetha

I remember liking Brad when he slept with the babysitter in the living room in ThirtySomething. Remember that? I am feeling rather old at the moment, actually.

I think he and Angelina might actually make it through. And remember, although Paul Newman and Joanne were married for YEARS, he was in fact married when he met her and he left his wife for her. Obviously it worked out for them. I hope for all those Jolie-Pitt children (and I think there will be more) that it will.

Can't wait to see the new movie. Thanks for the post!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaRue

Well, dear Mrs. G... I knew eventually we'd disagree. And today is the day. You can have Brad Pitt to yourself... now and forever. I don't want any part of him. :)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuchlovelyfreckles

I had an audition for a very small part in his upcoming film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (didn't get the!). It is based on a short story by the same title by F.Scot Fitzgerald. If you haven't read it yet, definitely read it before you see the film. Fascinating little story!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStarshine!!!

A lusty boyfriend for sure Mrs G.

#19, hes kinda far down on the list, no?

coastal nest

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Don't forget about his role in 12 Monkeys. He really is a great actor. Damn sexy, to boot...

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMama Nomad

like pitt as an actor. as a boyfriend, he doesn't do a lot for me. maybe its a blond thing.

although thelma and louise almost did make me change my mind (it also inspired my best friend and i to take a thelma and louise trip to AZ one year, but that's a whole other story...)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwrekehavoc

Did you know that Tom Cruise's role in Interview was offered to Johnny first and he turned it down? I bet you'd have a thing for hot vamps if that movie had Johnny AND Brad in it ;-)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Yes he is hotness.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKD @ A Bit Squirrelly

yes, yes and triple yes.

I'm right there with ya :)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkelli

Yes, I totally get it. Thanks for making me swoon.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss P

Mrs. G...Sure. Sure. He's cute as a Benjamin Button, and I'm super excited to see Burn After Reading when my kids are finally old enough to sit through an entire movie of that kind with me. Check with me in 2014.

But I have a question. You are moving through all of the reader questions slowly, and thankfully you haven't gotten to mine (something dull about your legacy or somesuchcrap).

Would you replace it with this:

As the reader and teacher and lover of the words that you are, please pick your Secret Author Boyfriend? I'm not picky. He could be long dead and fey as Oscar Wilde or unpleasant as George Bernard Shaw. But give this reader a treatise on ONE writer you'd (should Mr. G ever leave you for William Bradley Pitt's wife, and after you get out of prison for murder) contemplate girlfriendship with. (prepositions aside, you follow that, right?)

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRebekah

Oh, and what Sheila says. Brad was toast the minute they started making that movie.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMinnesota Matron

Yes, my dear: morality and a budget are fantasy's death. Good pick!

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMinnesota Matron

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