Disclaimer: Mrs. G. has been married for nineteen years to the same man, Mr G. He is handsome, kind, loyal, and doesn't do household chores of any kind is a wonderful father. Many, many people (some of whom do not reside at Derfwad Manor) believe he makes the best pasta sauce in the world. Period. He uses a secret ingredient, and he will not share it with anyone, because Mr. G. is Sicilian and that's just the way they are.
Reader, stare deep into those eyes, let your gaze linger on those rose petaled lips and you will understand why William Bradley Pitt is Mrs. G's Secret Boyfriend #19. She says secret boyfriend, because while her love and esteem for Brad is as fierce as the battle of Troy and as enormous as the Tower of Babel, he has no idea that Mrs. G. exists. Ahh...Mrs. G. thinks unrequited love is healthy in a long term marriage she wants to last.
Long ago, all the way back in 1991, Mr. G. came home from a long day at work; He was barely in the door before Mrs. G. told him that she had to leave right away to go run some urgent and pressing errands and that he would have to manage dinner and their three-month-old daughter all by himself. Mr. G. barely had his coat off before Mrs. G. grabbed her purse and beat it out the door.
Mrs. G's urgent and pressing errands involved a large Dr. Pepper, a bucket of popcorn, a box of Milk Duds and a couple of hours alone in a Northeast Portland movie theater. Mrs. G. didn't care what was playing. She was in it for the getaway. It was all about two hours on the lam.
That night, Thelma and Louise was playing on the big screen, and Mrs. G. had never never seen a movie like it, a movie where the chicks drove fast cars, packed heat and had to die for their sins. For a couple of hours Mrs. G. forgot she was a young wife and mother and fantasized about running away from home, blowing up shiny, silver fuel trucks and...
picking up buff, wayward, hitchhiking cowboys named J.D.
And just like that, reader, Mrs. G. was under Brad's spell.
Her love burgeoned a year later when this movie came along and proved that Brad was more than just a pretty face. Directed by Robert Redford and set in Montana, A River Runs Through It is a coming of age story about two sons of a Presbyterian minister. Natch, Brad plays the bad son. The good son is played by...Mrs. G. forgets.
Mrs. G. almost broke things off after watching this movie.
She has never, not once, understood the timeless, universal allure of fey, erotic vampires.
But things got back on the hot and heavy track with this little epic tale of lust, betrayal...
and righteous hair.
Their love heightened and matured through the dark days of Seven, Twelve Monkeys, Seven Years in Tibet and Fight Club.
Brad met Jennifer Aniston. They fell in love and had a lavish Malibu wedding. After their sixth solid month of marriage, it was clear they were in it for the long haul and the world deemed them Hollywood Marriage Royalty, one of the rare success stories.
Meanwhile, Brad made a film called Mrs. G's Favorite Movie Of All Time with her Secret Boyfriend #9.
When Mrs. G. read in People magazine that Brad was making a movie with this woman, she knew it was just a matter of time before he was wearing a vial of her long legged, sexy ass blood around his neck. And, sadly, Mrs. G. was right. Both Brad and Angelina repeatedly denied rumors of an extramarital affair. Angelina has said I wouldn't be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife.
Mrs. G. thinks she speaks for Jennifer Aniston and married women everywhere when she calls bull to the shit.
But whatever...when it comes to Secret Boyfriends, you can't get all caught up in morality. It's a fantasy killjoy.
Cheat on Mrs. G. in real life and she will run you over with her car.
Nevertheless, what goes around, comes around. Trust Mrs. G. when she tells you that in her gut, she feels (and it pains her to say this): Brad's days are freakin' numbered.
Mrs. G. digresses...
Anyway, Brad smoothed things out and reeled Mrs. G. back in by dressing up like a cowboy, riding horses and shooting things up in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
But it was today, reader, that Brad sealed the deal and earned his hard fought, indisputable slot on Mrs. G's official Secret Boyfriend list. This afternoon she caught a matinee of the Coen brothers new film Burn After Reading. Brad plays Chad Feldheimer, a goofy fitness zealot with bad hair who gets involved in a blackmail scheme gone way, way wrong. His performance is wickedly funny and, once again, Mrs. G. was reminded that this pretty, pretty man really can really, really act. He has genuine talent.
And a nice mug.
And a good heart.
Just look at him looking at her and you will understand why William Bradley Pitt is Mrs. G's Secret Boyfriend #19?