Wednesday
Apr232014

Blueberries For Sal: The Director's Cut

Years back, Mrs. G. and her class of third graders were just finishing a lesson on active verbs. Mrs. G. explained that active verbs allow Superman to leap, lions to roar and fairies to flit. She had them each write out five sentences using active verbs and then let each of them read their sentences out loud. But the deal was that when they came to one of their active verbs, they had to yell it out in their loudest voice. It went a little something like this:

My dog bit my sister and then ran and hid under the bed.

told my mom I hate beets and she made me eat them anyway.

The lesson was a big hit. Sanctioned screaming in a classroom is always well-received and kid-approved. The energy level in the classroom was through the roof. Mrs. G. sensed that the kids were moving toward nutty and reckless, so she told then to grab a carpet square, take a deep breath and settle themselves on the floor for a story.

blueberriesforsal

She pulled this little 1948 classic out of her book bag. It was Mr. G's favorite book as a child and shortly after the birth of Mrs. G's daughter, Mr. G's mother gifted Mrs. G. with the original copyshe had read to wee Mr. G. and his three siblings. This book has been read, loved and slobbered on by three generations. Mrs. G. treasures it.

 

sala

The story is about a little girl named Sal and her mother who go out into the country to Blueberry Hill to pick blueberries for winter.

 

salb

Little Sal walks behind her mother with her small tin pail picking the sweet, plump berries and eating every single one.

 

sald

Meanwhile, on the other side of Blueberry Hill, a kindly mother bear and her sweet baby cub are meandering the countryside eating berries for winter, preparing for their impending warm and cozy hibernation.

 

salc

Sal keeps swiping blueberries from her mother's pail, so her mother tells her to run along and play so that she can gather enough berries to can for the winter.

 

sale

Sal heeds her mother's words and scampers off to play, but she gets a little lost.

Mrs. G. could tell by the faces of her third graders that they were into the story. She had to hold the book in front of her for a while, so that everyone got a chance to see the pictures.

 

saln

So, anyway, Sal tramps happily along when suddenly she hears a noise and is sure that she has finally found her mother...

 

salf

but instead, Little Sal finds herself nose-to-nose with the kindly mother bear.

"What do you think happens next?" asked Mrs. G, trying to keep the childen engaged.

Five of them threw up their hands, wiggled around on their carpet squares and begged to be pickedAs she often did, Mrs. G. ignored the loudest, wiggliest kids and turned her attention to one of her more wary, more reserved students. In this case, a quiet, serious boy who had a grim look on his face.

"So what do you think happens next?" Mrs. G. asked him brightly.

"What do I think? I think Sal is a goner."

"Oh, no no no no no," said Mrs. G. quickly. "I've read this book hundreds of times. Sal doesn't die. The mother bear is a niceloving bear. I promise!"

The kid wasn't having any of it.

"I saw a show on the Discovery Channel," he said. Bears are unusually aggressive. A mother bear is called a sow, and a sow is very protective of her offspring. A sow will always attack if she thinks she or her cub is being threatened."

To bring it on home, the boy took his finger and slowly slid it across his throat.

A couple of the kids squealed for effect.

 

salm
 

"Hold up!" Mrs. G. said emphatically. "Sal is not going to die. Let me finish the story. Sal's mother turns around, sees the sweet little baby bear cub and finally realizes Sal is missing. She sets off to find Sal..."

"That's the end of her," another kid piped up. "That mom is dead meat"

Discovery Channel boy nodded his head; it was clear he was now in charge, the new Superintendent of all things Bear:

"Approximately 70% of bear caused human fatalities are the result of mothers defending their cubs."


sal0
 

"NO ONE DIES!" Mrs. G. insisted. "Look at this picture. Do you see? Sal's mother finds her alive, safe and sound and in one piece...not mauled."



salg

Mrs. G. went on to read the last page:

"...And Little Sal and her mother went down the other side of Blueberry Hill, picking berries all the way, and drove home with food to can for the next winter— a whole pail of blueberries and thee more besides. The End."

Mrs. G. closed the book and scanned the faces of the small, innocent children in front of her. They were unimpressed. They were let down. They didn't want blueberry freezer jam and happily ever after. They wanted carnage and mass murder. They wanted a full-on bear bloodbath.

Kids today. And their bullshit cable.

 

Originally published in 2007 when 17 people read this blog.

Tuesday
Apr222014

Baby Shoes

Hemingway (far left) and friends at the Algonquin Hotel in Manhattan

A friend of Mrs. G's told her an interesting anecdote about Ernest Hemingway, the literary legend, and his prowess as a word slinger. 

Let's set the scene according to a secondhand witness:

"More than thirty years ago, at the beginning of my career, I had lunch with a well-established newspaper syndicator who told me the following story: Ernest Hemingway was lunching at the Algonquin, sitting at the famous "round table" with several writers, claiming he could write a six-word-long short story. The other writers balked. Hemingway told them to ante up ten dollars each. If he was wrong, he would match it; if he was right, he would keep the pot. He quickly wrote six words on a napkin and passed it around. The words were "For Sale, Baby Shoes, Never Worn." Hemingway won the bet: His short story was complete. It had a beginning, middle and end."


Mrs. G. thought it would be engaging and compelling for us to try writing our own six-word-long short stories. They can be based on your life or pulled from thin air. The only rules are to use just six words and carve out a complete story with a beginning, middle and end. You can enter three if you like.

Mrs. G. will add hers in the comments but, trust her, this is not an easy assignment. She jotted down a few potential stories this morning and in her mind, all of them fell short. It made her irritable and argumentative when she did yard work all afternoon. She cursed daffodils and foxgloves, and mocked a few aggressively cheerful red tulips. But let's face it, she can be this way.

 

Monday
Apr212014

Mrs. Fusselli

 

Mrs. Fusselli was Mrs. G's kindergarten teacher. She ran the school out of her home, which was probably best because if anyone in the school district had come to supervise her methods, she would have undoubtedly stared icily at them until they left the premises ten to fifteen minutes later and got the hell out of dodge. 

Mrs. Fusselli was unusually tall and had orange hair that didn't move. If she bent over you to survey your work, the smell of Aqua Net was strong enough to temporarily burn your eyeballs. Mrs. Fusselli wasn't out and out mean, but referring to her as nice would be exceeding hospitable. She was strict and had no truck with monkey business whether you were six or forty-four. She called everyone by their surname.

Mrs. Fusselli likely thought she was encouraging when she looked over your coloring work sheet. "Miss Copeland," she would say to Mrs. G, "that is excellent coloring but in order to familiarize you with reality, I must tell you that dogs are not purple. I appreciate your creativity but real world sensibility inspires a life long mastery of a successful and worthwhile existence." Mrs. G. was six and far less interested in a worthwhile existence than the graham crackers and apple juice passed out at snack time.

One morning, Mrs. G. slammed her pinky finger in her grandmother's car door as she was getting out of the car to head to class. While Mrs. G. carried on, crying and screaming, her grandmother tried to comfort her. Mrs. Fusselli marched out of her house and demanded Mrs. G. wiggle her pinky finger to prove it wasn't broken. Mrs. G. did and Mrs. Fusselli declared Mrs. G's bruised an swollen finger a second-string accident. After all, it was her left hand, which according to Mrs. Fusselli was attached to an inferior limb. "Chin up, Miss Copeland. You're fine. It's not like your grandmother ran you over with her car." Mrs. G's grandmother kissed Mrs. G. head and told her to shake it off. This was a time when teachers, like dinosaurs, ruled the earth and didn't care what parents thought. Mrs. Fusselli wouldn't have it. And most parents, like Mrs. G's grandmother, didn't dare question a teacher's proficiency. They just lit up a Camel cigarette and drove off in their Dodge Dart.

On the day Mrs. G. was to graduate from kindergarten and receive her diploma, she opened the medicine chest to grab the tooth paste. A silver wrapper caught her eye and when she opened it, it was chocolate. It wasn't beyond Mrs. G's grandmother to hide candy (particular Applets and Cotlets) so Mrs. G. assumed this was her grandmother's new candy hideaway. Mrs. G. nibbled a square and within six minutes she had eaten the whole bar. She marched into the living room where her grandparents were sitting in their chairs no one else was allowed to sit in and told her grandmother she had found her covert chocolate stash in the medicine cabinet. Her grandmother shot her grandfather a terrified look and muttered, "Hells Bells, this is going to be a day." The "chocolate" was Ex-Lax.

Mrs. G. spent most of the morning on the pot, swearing to Jesus and Mary and Joseph that she would never eat unidentified chocolate or open the medicine chest again. "How are you doing in there?" Mrs. G's grandmother would ask outside the bathroom door. "How do you think I'm doing? You've poisoned me with your underground candy railroad." 

Mrs. G's grandmother called Mrs. Fusselli and explained the situation. Mrs. Fusselli insisted that Mrs. G. attend the graduation to teach her an important lesson about consuming "food" from a medicine chest and building character.

Of course, Mrs. G's grandparents drug her to the graduation, and Mrs. G. walked up to receive her diploma focused on squeezing her butt cheeks as tightly as she could, and, frankly, not pooping her pants at such an esteemed ceremony. When Mrs. Fusselli handed Mrs. G. her diploma, She said, "Miss Copeland, I am proud of you for coming. You will realize from first-grade on, life is hard." So is your helmet head thought Mrs. G, but she just took her diploma and found her grandparents pronto to get her ass home. Mrs. G's grandfather drove as fast as he could, which was five miles over the speed limit. Unlike Mrs. G, he was not a law breaker. They made it home just in time, and Mrs. G. spent several more hours on the pot and had to miss her favorite show, Cagney and Lacey . But her grandfather, no doubt feeling sympathy for a six-year-old's simple mistake, yelled the plot to her as she sat in the bathroom.

Now that's the kind of love a kindergartner deserves.

Mrs. Fusselli didn't get it, the need for kindness and love children hunger for, and in hindsight, maybe she didn't get it when she needed it most.

Thursday
Apr172014

I Just Can't Let You Miss This. I Love You Too Much

Not safe for work or shrinking violets or nuns. Mrs. G. promises she will wash her mouth out with soap tonight and get her ass back on the track of righteousness. Profanity and such.

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Apr172014

full confessional thursday. feeling a little feisty so let's shake things up buttercup.

The photo in this post is, depending on your ethics, off-color, bawdy, shady, spicy and damn near wicked. In other words,some of you might find it immoral. Mrs. G. is not joking, so if you want to protect your eyes and psyche, come back tomorrow. Please, please don't click after this explicit warning and then leave a critical comment. That is hypocritical and passive aggressive and Mrs. G. is in no mood for it.

Click to read more ...

Friday
Apr042014

Full Confessional Friday! 4/4/2014

Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister.  

Friday
Mar212014

Full Confessional Friday! 3/21/2014

Be it Venial or Mortal (there's no escaping Original), we've all got secrets -- light, dark, funny, sad -- worth bringing to light. The act of confession can be liberating, mollifying and entertaining. Contrition? Repentance? A shot of Tequila? That's your call, sister.  

Thursday
Mar202014

Spring

Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography

Mrs. G. apologizes for her absence the last couple of weeks. She went to visit family and decided to leave her laptop at home. While many of you have figured out how to write on your phones, Mrs. G. hasn't, not to mention her bear-like paws would produce text like the following:

nowr It thE tyMw furr yWq 3mat

Nobody wins in this situation.

Now, Mrs. G. has to apologizes for her absence in the future. The next few weeks, she has to focus on three important things...

1) Throwing herself passionately into a program that should help her reclaim general health and wellbeing.

2) Finding a job that pays money. A deadline looms.

3) Finishing a book of essays she was invited to submit. A deadline looms.

This blog is not closing and Mrs. G. plans to pop in with stories if she just can't help it. She will continue to put up the Confessional each and every Friday so we can continue to stay in touch on a regular basis. Please stick your head in to say hello even if you usually don't. The book club is still on. Speaking of book club, Mrs. G. was not able to log in to her own blog during the last one due to debit card issues (don't ask). If you are interested in discussing Five Days at Memorial next Sunday at 6:00 PST, Mrs. G. will be there. This book is too intense not to talk about.

Should you want to stay in touch with Mrs. G. through Facebook, feel free to friend her personally. Up above under "Mingle" you can find her personal page. All welcome.

See you in a few weeks, friends!